5.14.24 Go Andy!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like the Vice President of the United States. And we’re pretty damn proud of it.

Pre-Note: It’s an Election Day in some states. If you can vote, please do. It’s your duty as an American and also we need you to cancel out some fucking idiot.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’ve got some awesome fucking news. The Vice President of the United States is a TBS reader! Yep! She’s totally in the club! Ok so we don’t know that for sure and it’s possible that we’re just imagining things and yes that could be kinda creepy and yeah that is a weird assumption to make and ok let us explain. Yesterday Vice President Harris dropped a great big beautiful f-bomb. That’s right! She said that word your phone thinks is ducking. Just like we do! And it was fucking awesome! Please take a second to breathe this into your sexy soul…

Yes!!!! That is how we say good morning at TBS! Thank you, Madam Vice President, for speaking some fucking truth! And thank you for definitely probably maybe reading our fucked up fucking newsletter and being inspired by our filthy language to…ok fine. So we probably didn’t have anything to do with this, but a newsletter can dream, right? And even if we’re not the inspiration for this wonderfully obscene candor, we still want to applaud it.

Think about it — Biden’s Vice President is kicking ass and taking names and Trump’s is either kissing his ass in a courtroom or out murdering small animals. And since the press is so fucking scandalized by a woman using the same language every single non-Romney male politician has used since forever, we want the VP to fucking know that we’ve got her back. And anyone pretending to be scandalized can fucking fuck off and then go fuck themselves. We’re looking at you, Fox News. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yeah, there’s no way she reads this fucked up shit.

Note three: You ever see a news story that makes you want to walk out into the ocean crying, hurling and crapping yourself because nothing matters? Well here’s one about the people who blame Biden for Roe v. Wade being overturned. More: HuffPost

Note four: It’s Dylan Thomas Day. So let us rage, rage, rage against the dying of the non-dumbfucks.

Note five: By the way, we have totally forgotten to celebrate this. If Steve Bannon goes to prison, we’re definitely gonna feel sorry for the prison.

Note six: Wanna see something gross? They’re unveiling a statue of Billy Graham in the US Capitol. We suddenly understand the urge to smear our poop on the place. (But we’re still not gonna) More: AP

Note seven: Yesterday was Stevie Wonder’s birthday and we missed it. We feel like dicks about it, and we know he’s crushed. So happy belated birthday to perhaps the best to ever do it.

Note eight: Tommy Tuberville went to court with Trump yesterday to whine and accuse the people in the courtroom of not being American. So you know totally normal US Senator shit. More: Politico

Note nine: Jelly Dicknipples (JD) Vance was there too. He didn’t say anything as dumb as Tuberville did. He just shit-talked the judge and the judge’s daughter. So more normal US Senator shit. More: LA Mag

Note 10: Let’s check in and see how the totally serious RFK Jr. campaign is going. Oh. Oh not good.

Note 11: You might have noticed in Note Five that we used “Not.” You are correct that we are bringing it back.

Note 12: Don Jr. visited Peter Navarro in prison. We sure hope he goes back and stays for a while. More: The Hill

Note 13: LOL. So we mentioned Tuberville and Vance, but today MAGA Mike Johnson went to kiss Trump’s ass and attack the judge’s family. Thank goodness the press still treat these sick fucks like they’re totally normal politicians. More: The Hill

Note 14: Remember when that creepy little shit told us to go read the bible? Dude must’ve been reading from the Book of Stormy.

Note 15: Ya know what’s really fucked up? If you only used Rudy as an example of an American, then you would have to say without question that Trump has ruined American lives. Look at this crusty degenerate fuck. You can smell the urine and evil just from looking at him.

Note 16: Sometimes when we talk about how much money our candidates are raising, we forget why it matters. Here’s why it matters. More: Politico

Note 17: Did we talk about Rudy getting his radio show canceled? Did we know that twisted fuck had a radio show? How did it not get canceled when he was shitting out of his forehead and hanging at the Four Seasons? Oh this is delightful. More: CNN

Note 18: Since this newsletter is supposed to be about politics, here’s a guide to today’s big races. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, the orcas have struck again. We salute you, our orca overlords!

Note 20: And on that delicious nautical note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week. Or an awesome fucking week, as our VP would say. Love y’all!

We knew it!

So Michael Cohen testified yesterday and it was one bombshell after another about how Trump is a criminal. But we already knew that. What we didn’t know is that it was apparently Melania’s idea to call the horrifying Access Hollywood tape “locker room talk.” We assume this means that Michelle Obama said it first. But seriously, folks. Melania is the worst. She wrecked the Rose Garden. And married Donald Trump. So yeah, she can eat poop.

More: ABC

Go Andy!

So we are big fans of Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear. Partly because Sam hails from Kentucky, and partly because Andy is a damn fine Democrat who won two races in a damn red state. This is after all the place that keeps electing Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. So we like to keep an eye on Andy to see what he’s up to and wouldn’t you know it he’s going to Tennessee to defend abortion rights. This is one of many many reasons we are Andy Beshear fans and can’t wait to see what he does in the future.

More: AP

Phew

So we might actually avoid the worst-case scenario (for now) in Arizona. The ghouls on the state Supreme Court ruled Monday that the fucked up 1864 abortion ban can’t be enforced until mid-August in order to give the state AG 90 days to figure out an appeal strategy. It’s true that the legislature repealed the law but that doesn’t go into effect until 90 days after the legislature gets out. Confused yet? Well imagine now the people of Arizona feel. Anyway, if we really want to be done with all this dumb shit, maybe we should all vote blue across the board and restore Roe. Or would that just make too much goddamn sense?

More: Yahoo

Today’s clips

A senior White House official met with a small group of students and faculty at Morehouse College on Friday, amid some objections on campus to having President Joe Biden deliver the commencement address there this weekend, according to a White House official and a Morehouse administration official. More: NBC

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is planning to raise money for former President Donald Trump in the coming weeks, putting into action the commitment he made at a meeting with Trump last month to help his former rival for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, according to two people familiar with the matter. More: HuffPost

A Missouri man who crashed a rental truck into White House barriers and showed a Nazi flag before his arrest last year pleaded guilty on Monday to damaging government property, court records show. More: HuffPost