5.13.24 Justice for Paul!

It’s Monday. There are 176 days until the general election. Justice for the Pelosis, Clarence Thomas is a whiner (and a scumbag) and Michael Cohen takes the stand.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s very in right now.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We hope you had a normal weekend. If you’re Donald Trump, you did not. Also, if you’re Donald Trump, fuck you. Anyway, yeah, Trump spent part of his weekend at a rally where he praised Hannibal Lecter. Yes, the fictional cannibal portrayed most memorably by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Sooooooooooo… look, maybe we’re crazy. Maybe we’re just a couple of fucking prudes. But we personally don’t dig people or want to be friends with people who think a fictional serial killing cannibal psychopath is a cool person. AND WE SURE AS FUCK DON’T WANT TO GIVE THEM CONTROL OF AMERICA’S NUKES! AGAIN! Like is this a glimpse into Trump’s rotting turd of a brain or what? So here’s what you already knew was coming…

TBS: Hannibal the Cannibal. Thank you for joining us.

Hannibal Lecter: Thanks for having me, gentlemen. I find your newsletter delicious.

TBS: Gross. So are you friends with Trump?

HL: Guys, as we speak I am eating my mailman’s grilled buttcheek, and I still think your question is tasteless. Donald Trump is what we in the cannibal business call no thanks. I wouldn’t eat that rotting orange disaster with your mouths.

TBS: Fair enough. Please don’t eat us either.

HL: See you boys around.

Well shit. We’re totally getting eaten now, aren’t we? Oh well. Worth it for the joke. Eat Adam first. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Remember Katie Britt? Yeah, we forgot about her too. We shouldn’t have. She wants to create a national registry of pregnant women. Pretty fucking creepy, right? More: Guardian

Note three: We hope y’all had a happy Mother’s Day. Or at least better than Melania’s.

Note four: We’re not gonna talk about the New York Times polls that came out this morning because we’re just way too freaked out by them. (If you want to be less freaked out by them, check out what they showed in Senate races).

Note five: In case you need the reminder, this is what Trump scum looks like…

Note six: Speaking of Trump scum, Tommy Tuberville and JD Vance are joining Trump in court today. We’re guessing one of them wants to be VP and one of them wants to be Trump’s seat cushion.

Note seven: The anniversary of Brown v. Board of Education is coming up and Biden is going to meet with the plaintiffs. We’re afraid to ask how Trump will mark the occasion. More: The Hill

Note eight: We saw the Fall Guy this weekend. It was pretty great. If you’re looking for some mindless fun, check it out.

Note nine: We’ve got a whole news section thing about how much Clarence Thomas sucks. But let’s not forget that Sam Alito is an actual piece of shit. More: NBC

Note 10: It seems pretty fucked up to us that a US Senator keeps calling for nuking people. Notice how it’s never Lindsey going off to fight. It would get in the way of all that ass-kissing.

Note 11: The stars are coming out for Joe Biden. And we sure as hell ain’t talking about Kid Rock Kevin fucking Sorbo. More: NBC

Note 12: Who’s excited for the WNBA season to tip off this week? Yeah, we are too.

Note 13: This story is fucking hilarious. By trying to cheat on his taxes, Trump found a way to pay an extra $100 million. What a genius. More: CNN

Note 14: Ohio’s Bernie Moreno is a REALLY bad candidate who totally lied about his bio. It’s pretty amazing how sucky all the Republican Senate candidates are. It’s even more amazing that they have a chance to win. More: Ohio Dems

Note 15: Nancy Mace needs help. Like professional help. She’ll probably get a cabinet spot instead.

Note 16: Holy shit how does this keep getting worse? Kristi Noem lied about meeting the French? Well at least she didn’t shoot them in the face. More: NBC

Note 17: This weekend, Biden hit Trump for being “unhinged.” The president said “something snapped in him” when he lost. It’s hard to believe since Trump was always a fucking nutjob asshole, but this does seem true. Why hasn’t America noticed? More: CNN

Note 18: Should we talk about RFK Jr.’s running mate? She spent part of the weekend crying about money going to Ukraine. So between this and her love of anti-abortion politicians, it’s pretty obvious she’s just Marjorie Taylor Greene. More: Politico

Note 19: We don’t have a Happy Ending today. Sorry. We know that’s pretty bleak. So instead we’ll just say we love you and we hope you have an awesome week. Hey it’s better than kissing a fictional cannibal’s ass.

Justice for Paul!

On Friday, DOJ announced they are seeking 40 years in prison for the miserable scumfuck who believed all of Trump’s lies and beat Paul Pelosi with a hammer after breaking into their home. This seems like a more than reasonable sentence to us. How long until Trump starts talking about pardoning this asshole? Does it bother anyone else that Republicans have made so many jokes about this horror show and the press just didn’t care?

More: CNN

Fuck off, Clarence

Clarence Thomas is a liar, a traitor and an all-around piece of shit. He’s also a whiner. Speaking at a conference, Thomas complained at length about how nasty Washington is and how much he and his wife are attacked. Of course nobody beat them with the American flag, so maybe he should just stop his crying. It’s to this country’s endless shame that this dirtbag is in a position to strip basic human rights from millions of women and then turn around and hand out free passes to people who attacked this country.

More: Axios

Go Mikey!

The orange asshead is back in court, and today he’s hearing from his ex-lawyer. Michael Cohen took the witness stand this morning, and he is expected to be the crucial witness in this case. Let’s hope Mikey can convince a jury what everyone else already knows — Trump is a fucking criminal.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Sen Bob Menendez, a Democrat, arrived Monday for the start of his trial on charges that he accepted bribes of gold and cash to use his influence to deliver favors that would help three New Jersey businessmen. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden’s surrogates will crisscross the country this week talking up the hundreds of billions he’s pumping into projects such as roads, clean energy, drinking water and broadband — an effort designed to draw a sharp contrast with his predecessor’s series of ineffectual “infrastructure weeks.” More: Politico