5.1.24 Scared fox

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a fucking six-week abortion ban goes into effect today in the so-called Sunshine State.

Note: We’re gonna keep this short and sweet and loud and cussy today. Yesterday we mentioned a few times that Trump wants red states to be able to monitor and prosecute pregnant women who have abortions. So while we had a few different joke ideas in mind for today, instead we figured we’d just draw attention to this horrible fucked up very real shit again since most of the mainstream media are too corrupt to bother. So let us do what the chickenshits at the New York Times should and shout…

IF TRUMP WINS, WOMEN WILL SUFFER! RED STATE ASSHOLES WILL TRACK PREGNANCIES! WOMEN WILL BE PROSECUTED AND GO TO JAIL! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THIS IS ALL VERY REAL! ANYONE WHO DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THIS CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES AND EAT SHIT! THEY WERE NEVER GONNA STOP AT ROE! TAKE IT SERIOUS AS A FUCKING HEART ATTACK! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY TAKE THIS FUCKED UP SHIT SERIOUSLY!!!

Ok, now that we’ve screamed about that important stuff a little more, here’s a picture of Trump looking like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag…

LOL. Not looking too good there, buddy. Y’all have a blessed day. Except for you-know-who.

Note two: The stuff we’re seeing from Columbia and UCLA is so goddamn upsetting. We don’t have anything smart to say except we don’t want to see another Kent State. More: CNN

Note three: We need a good laugh after that note. So here’s Marjorie Taylor Greene saying she’s going to force a vote to remove MAGA Mike Johnson lol. More: The Hill

Note four: Btw, Democrats announced yesterday they will bail Johnson out. Because saving the country from clowns is our job apparently. Also, just an FYI — don’t accidentally google “green johnson.” Yikes. More: CNN

Note five: This is a really important note and message and we don’t want to cheapen it but we were just thinking we really need to watch Sister Act again.

Note six: Elon Musk had dinner with a bunch of billionaires and Trump cabinet members to discuss taking down Joe Biden. Seems pretty fucking bad to us. More: Political Wire

Note seven: Poor Mittens Romney wants everyone to know he’s not a cold-blooded dog murderer like Kristi Noem. Sure, Mittens. More: The Hill

Note eight: Gym Jordan’s dumb “weaponization” committee has a hearing today. Frankly we don’t care enough to link to anything about it.

Note nine: Remember how Louisiana was getting a second majority Black congressional district? Well some Trump judges just threw some cold racist water on that. More: Politico

Note 10: Just another reminder of who and what RFK Jr. really is…

Note 11: Larry Kudlow is an idiot. He thinks Biden’s tax policies are racist against white people. Like we said, an idiot. More: Media Matters

Note 12: Trump fell asleep in court again yesterday. Yes, that would be a huge story if it happened to Biden. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Today we find out if Arizona women are going to continue to live in 1864 until Arizona. Republicans are scared. They should be. More: NBC

Note 14: Yikes. Kristi Noem has killed a lot of animals. It seems like she can’t stop. More: Vanity Fair

Note 15: This is how it’s done…

Note 16: Harry Potter seems like a good dude. More: HuffPost

Note 17: When Trump wasn’t whining about his gag order yesterday, he was trying to make money off of it. More: Politico

Note 18: It seems bad to us that so many election workers feel threatened. It sure would be swell if more news organizations thought political violence was a bad thing. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to New York where Democrat Tim Kennedy won a special election to Congress. We weren’t really worried about this seat, but it’s still nice to win. Congrats, Tim! More: Politico

Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a sexy week. Thank you to everyone who sent awesome birthday wishes to Sam. They made him cry. Love y’all!

Alright alright alright

The Biden administration got Sam a birthday present. Yesterday multiple news agencies reported that the DEA is preparing to reclassify marijuana so that it’s not considered as dangerous as heroin and meth. Seems like a no-brainer to us but this has taken 50 years to do. The new classification would mean that weed can be studied more and fewer people would be going to jail. Seems like a positive to us.

More: LA Mag

Scared fox

Fox News appears to be taking Hunter Biden’s legal threats seriously. Yesterday the network pulled a series that attacked Hunter and used naked footage of him. The move comes after Hunter announced plans to sue the network to hell and back. We frankly love this and want to see more of it.

More: CNN

Sunshine Shit

Goddamnit. Goddamnnit. Goddamnit. At midnight, a six-week abortion ban went into effect in Florida. This is so bad. Not just for the women of Florida, but for the women of the whole fucking South. If there is a silver lining here, it’s that Floridians will get to vote on this bullshit in November. But that sure as hell doesn’t help anyone for the next several months. This is so bad, and we have Trump to thank.

More: USA Today

Today’s clips

Former President Donald Trump will make his foray back onto the campaign trail Wednesday for the first time since his New York criminal hush money trial began in earnest last month. Trump will spend his one allotted weekday out of the courtroom hosting rallies in Wisconsin and Michigan, two critical battleground states he won in 2016 but lost in 2020. More: CNN

Private payrolls increased at a faster than expected pace in April, indicating there are still plenty of tailwinds for the U.S. labor market, according to ADP. More: NBC