5.12.23 Justice for Jordan

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’re trying like hell to teach it to use the lawn mower.

Note: Sexy Patriots! What a fucking week! Was this the starting gun of the 2024 shitnuts sillyfuck show? It sure felt like it. And yes those are technical terms. It’s crazy to think there was a lull in the relentless insanity of American politics, but you can kinda spot them in retrospect.

And you know you’re out of a lull when you find yourself irate and ready to go to war with the mostly unlikely dipshit. For us… last night… and kinda this morning… it was Anderson Cooper. LOL. Seriously. If we’d written TBS last night, the opening note would’ve just been Fuck off, Anderson Cooper…

Does this rich motherfucker think he’s our dad?! Buddy, not wanting to hear a bunch of scummy ghouls laugh at sexual abuse does not mean we live in silos. It just means we’ve got taste, a sense of decency and shitons of other things to do with our time.

Regardless, we don’t hate Anderson Cooper. And as fucking furious as we are and as determined as we are not to watch them, we don’t really hate CNN either. We just want them to be better. A LOT fucking better. American democracy needs good journalism to survive. Maybe that’s naive. Maybe that ship has sailed, sank and become some flounder’s favorite shitting spot. But we haven’t given up yet.

Still, get it together, Cooper. Y’all are doing some dumb and bad shit right now, and there’s nothing wrong with people pointing that out. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Anderson was right about one thing — that lunatic piece of shit leading that crowd in heinous laughter has a damn decent chance of becoming president again no matter how stunning that is to contemplate. Thank goodness the SPU (Sexy Patriot Universe) is ready to ride again.

Note three: Yay or nay on SPU?

Note four: There were multiple reports out yesterday and this morning about how happy Trump was with the CNN shitshow. Apparently he listened to James Brown’s “It’s a Man’s World.” Yeah, we want to vomit too. More: Guardian

Note five: We do have to say that the responses from the White House have been gold. It sucks that Democrats got really good at twitter just before it turned into a MAGA craphole.

Note six: According to Rolling Stone, Trump wants to fill a second-term cabinet with the treasonous scum who tried to help him pull off a coup. Makes sense. Who the hell else would work for him? More: Rolling Stone

Note seven: Good news, everybody! Merrick Garland is once again stepping up to defend… Donald fucking Trump. Yes, one of the weakest AGs in history has decided to try and protect Trump from a defamation deposition in Peter Strzok. This is fucked up, and honestly if we were gonna be open to a primary challenge against Dark Brandon, Garland would be a big reason why. That and all the nice shit he says about McConnell. More: NBC

Note eight: Are y’all watching Ted Lasso this season? It is freaking delightful.

Note nine: Twitter is getting a new CEO and she’s a total MAGA creep. We continue to hope for an alternative to emerge soon so we can stop hanging out the internet’s grease trap. More: Fortune

Note 10: Let’s check in and see how things are going with Congressman Santos…

Note 11: A lunatic federal judge in Virginia said yesterday that 18-to-21-year-olds can’t be stopped from buying handguns. It seems bad that we have so many judges who endorse mass shootings. More: ABC

Note 12: Well this is scary as hell. Remember how in 2020 Trump lost every case except one. Well that dipshit judge is now running for the Pennsylvania state Supreme Court. Y’all ready to organize and make sure that doesn’t happen? More: Bolts Mag

Note 13: We have no idea what’s happening on the debt limit except the Capitol Hill press corps and a handful of chickenshit Democrats have forced the White House to negotiate with the Jan. 6 assholes and now we wait and see just how much Biden will give a way to try and stop Republicans from destroying the whole economy. NO LINK

Note 14: It’s remarkable to think about what a dunce Kevin McCarthy is and how much he would be struggling if he wasn’t the beneficiary of a three-way ass-kissing contest between Punchbowl, Semafor and Politico.

Note 15: This made us laugh way harder than we thought it would…

Note 16: A lesbian bar in Texas might have to shut down because they’ve been denied insurance. This is what the bigots had in mind all along. And this is why we can’t let those fuckers get away with it. More: NBC

Note 17: After a bit of further delay, Sen. Dianne Feinstein returned to the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday and move some judges. Welcome back, Senator! Now when do they vote to subpoena Clarence Thomas? More: HuffPost

Note 18: Happy birthday to Tony Hawk. We just think that guy is awesome.

Note 19: It is long past overdue, but the FDA is finally doing something about its bullshit ban on gay and bisexual men giving blood. It’s almost like it’s the year 2023. More: NPR

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news and then go do this motherflipping weekend. We hope y’all had a great week, we hope you have an awesome weekend and we hope you don’t put up with any bullshit from a multimillionaire on tv telling you about your silo. Love y’all!

Justice for Jordan

The man who choked Jordan Neely until he died surrendered to authorities yesterday to face manslaughter charges. Did you know the guy who allegedly killed the unarmed Neely was a Marine? You probably did because every news organization wants you to know that. Sigh.

More: ABC

LOLoser

There were nothing but losers as a result of that CNN disaster. And for Trump, that meant losing to Joe Biden. Again. Yeah, about 3.3 million people tuned in to watch that disaster, which is really good for last-place CNN but not great overall and really embarrassing for Trump, who came in behind President Biden’s town hall, which did 3.7 million viewers.

More: Independent

Reliving hell

Thanks to CNN and Trump, E. Jean Carroll, who just THIS FUCKING WEEK won her defamation suit against the man who sexually abused her, might have to sue him again. If you want to know why we’re so mad — and staying mad — at CNN it’s because of this shit. Carroll and too many other women have been through hell because of the asshole who was standing backstage chatting it up with CNN’s president. Whatever Carroll decides to do, we have her back.

More: USA Today

Today’s clips

To keep the debt limit off the table until after the 2024 presidential election would likely take the biggest single debt limit hike ever, according to forecasts by the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office and the White House’s own Office of Management and Budget. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden's meeting with the top four leaders in Congress planned for Friday has been postponed until next week, three sources said. More: NBC

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