5.10.24 Party time

Be advised: This newsletter cusses a lot. Mostly because there’s a lot to cuss about.

Note: We don’t know about y’all, but we seriously fucking need this weekend to be here. Don’t worry, Sexy Patriots. We’re staying cool and good-looking, but goddamn all the crazy and stupid sure is piling up high. So today we’re just gonna make an earnest plea to all the crazy stupid fuckheads out there — please pace yourself.

Seriously. We can’t fucking do puppy-murder-brain-eating-worm every fucking week for the next 179 fucking days. An ex-president of the United States was getting humiliated in a courtroom he filled with farts by an adult actress he had sex with while his wife was pregnant and it was like the eighth most shocking goddamn thing that happened this week. So everybody just slow the hell down. Please. This is just too much crazy and stupid at once.

In fact, let’s just start scheduling this shit so it’s spaced out and we can all prepare for our rations of batshit instead of this constant firehose of rancid nuttiness. Matt Gaetz, we’re moving you holing up with a flamethrower and some Legos in a Chuck E. Cheese to August. Elise Stefanik, we know you’re itching to tell us about all the people you’ve killed and then befriended at the world’s most horrifying dinner parties, but that’s gotta wait until September now. Speaker Mike Johnson announcing he’s retiring to star in anime porn is now put off until late November. And Marjorie Taylor Greene, well, maybe just take the rest of the year off.

Ok does that schedule work for you? Cool. Or maybe all these horrible freaks will see the light and stop being so fucking awful all the time. Yeah, we’re not holding our breath either. Y’all have a blessed weekend.

Note two: Want to get weirder than that opening note? Then you’re definitely gonna want to check out our weekly podcast, This Week’s Big Stuff. Not only will you be helping to keep this fucked up newsletter rocking and rolling, but you’ll also get to hear Sam do an interview with RFK Jr.’s dead brain worm. Spoiler: It’s only pretending to be dead. More: Patreon

Note three: THIS IS NOT A GOOD REASON TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT! TRUMP DID NOT DO A GOOD JOB! GODDAMNIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

Note four: Rick Scott was with Trump in court yesterday. Gross. Maybe our favorite part of this proceedings is whoever keeps yelling “Where’s Melania?” That shit is freaking hilarious. More: HuffPost

Note five: We know you know this, but Trump’s lawyers ain’t doing so good. More: Politico

Note six: When Trump was leaving court yesterday, a spectator said “God is with you. Stay strong.” It wasn’t us. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Congrats to Justin and Haley Bieber on their big news. How exciting! More: NBC

Note eight: It’s really amazing how many different positions RFK Jr. and his running mate have on abortion rights. It’s almost like they’re both completely full of shit and twice as crazy. More: NBC

Note nine: So we all saw this coming, right?

Note 10: The modern Republican Party has become so heinous that it can be easy to forget that Ann Coulter is out there still being human garbage. But she is. More: HuffPost

Note 11: Biden is about to go hard at Trump over rich people tax cuts. The kind Trump keeps bragging about to his rich buddies. More: AP

Note 12: Um, things got a little weird at the post-game press conference after the Mavericks-Thunder game last night. We swear we had nothing to do with it. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Hunter Biden is going on trial. Isn’t it cool and normal how we’re not all trying to burn down the whole fucking American justice system to save him? More: Politico

Note 14: We put this in yesterday’s TBS, but we’re still just shocked by how openly corrupt it is. Or maybe we’re shocked because more people weren’t.

Note 15: YIKES! We’re starting to think this asshole isn’t a great father.

Note 16: Two Virginia schools are going BACK to being named after Confederate scum after the school board reversed the 2020 changes. Gosh. It sure is hard to figure out what Republicans stand for. More: Washington Post

Note 17: The fun continues next week as Michael Cohen is set to testify in Trump’s election interference trial. More: AP

Note 18: Lara Trump says that Trump accepts election results because Biden is in office. Lara Trump is full of shit. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, Joe Biden and VP Kamala Harris welcomed the WNBA Champion Las Vegas Aces to the White House for the second year in a row. Our favorite part that we saw was Biden telling the back-to-back champs “I kinda like that back-to-back stuff.” More: AP

Note 20: On that championship note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great week. Or at the very least we hope you didn’t totally lose your shit. But hey, who could blame you if you did? Love y’all!

Party time

Whacked quack “Dr.” Ronny Jackson is back being investigated by the House Ethics Committee. We don’t know what he’s accused of, but we know he did it. You remember Ronny, right? He’s the former White House doctor and current Trump kiss-ass who was accused of handing out pills like crazy and being inappropriate on the job and got demoted from Admiral to Captain? Gosh. Probably just a witch hunt. And he’s not alone. Rep. Wesley Hunt (Another Texas Asshole) is also being investigated.

More: Dallas News

Dumb and dumber

Trump and RFK Jr. are fighting now. Over who can be the bigger fucking moron. Ok so they’re actually fighting over who likes vaccines more, so yeah the moron thing was accurate. Trump put out a video yesterday attacking RFK and accusing him of being fake in his anti-vaxx crusades. If only. And RFK is selling t-shirts that say “Trump-Fauci 2024: Give Us Another Shot.” So if you like science or just don’t like fucking idiots, Biden might be your only choice.

More: HuffPost

Thank you

So this is as sincere as we get — thank you, Stormy Daniels. We don’t know if Trump is going to be convicted. We don’t know if Stormy’s testimony this week helped or hurt the case. What we do know is that woman more than earned the right to sit there on the witness stand to speak her truth and stand up to that miserable scumbag. Do we also love that it pissed Trump off completely and he totally had to sit there and listen to people talk about how she called him an “orange turd?” Yes, of course. But we’re mostly grateful that someone stood up to him. So thanks, Stormy. We hope you find some peace after all this loony shit.

More: Independent

Today’s clips

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu defiantly vowed his country would "stand alone" if its closest ally followed through on threats to suspend arms shipments over a full-scale invasion of Rafah, where more than 1 million people have taken refuge. More: NBC

Target is limiting the number of stores that will sell LGBTQ-themed merchandise for Pride Month in June following a boycott from right-wing activists last year that took a toll on the brand’s bottom line. More: CNN

A scholar at ASU’s School of Civic and Economic Thought and Leadership will not return to teach at the university after a video under investigation by university officials shows him confronting and cursing at a woman wearing a hijab during a pro-Israel rally on campus, ASU announced Thursday. “He is no longer permitted to be on campus and will never teach here again,” ASU President Michael Crow said in a statement to CNN regarding Jonathan Yudelman, who the university had placed on leave following the May 5 incident. More: CNN