5.10.23 House Republicans whiff again

Be advised: This newsletter cusses about the news. We honestly can’t figure out how other people don’t.

Note: Hey, SPs, we’re gonna try to sprinkle in some funny in a minute. But first we just want to say a giant THANK YOU to E. Jean Carroll and the brave women who stood beside her. For about eight years now, this country has watched as a shocking number of people have caved to, cowered before and kissed the ass of powerful cruelty.

Not E. Jean Carroll.

She stood tall. She took their countless attacks. She went through hell on earth. And she won. Now, thanks to E. Jean, the world has confirmation of something we always knew — Donald J. Trump is a sexual abuser and a liar. At this time we’d like to invite him all of his defenders to eat shit and then fuck right off and then go straight to hell.

Note two: Thank you also to Robbie Kaplan, the superstar lawyer who went toe to toe with Trump’s goons and delivered justice for her client and many other women. More: NBC

Note three: Not long after that ENORMOUS piece of news dropped yesterday, we found out George Santos has been indicted. We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but we have something odd to add first. Shortly after the news broke, we then got a call from a strange phone number offering us an exclusive interview with someone named Schmeorge Schmantos.

Now it seems pretty fucking obvious to us that it’s just Santos’s scummy ass pretending to be someone else, but we’re gonna act like Capitol Hill reporters and just go along with it…

TBS: Hey, George, that you, you rat shitass?

Schmeorge Schmantos: What? My name is Schmeorge. You have me confused for someone else.

TBS: Oh bullshit. What the hell do you want, George?

Schmantos: Well again, my name is Schmeorge. But I mostly want to tell you guys I heard that Santos guy is innocent.

TBS: No shit?

Schmantos: No shit! He’s also really good looking and quite the athlete.

TBS: You don’t say.

Schmantos: Yeah, everyone is gonna regret rushing to judgment.

TBS: Fuck off, George.

Note four: What are you watching tonight? Because if you’re like us you sure as fuck aren’t watching a sexual abuser and a liar on CNN.

Note five: Have we been criticizing CNN too much? Let’s ask one of the cops who was assaulted on Jan. 6… More: Rolling Stone

Note six: Kevin McCarthy says so much dumb shit. This was some of yesterday’s dumb shit…

Note seven: After meeting with Republicans about the debt ceiling yesterday, Dark Brandon said he might just use the 14th amendment. We say do it and let Republicans whine about it while the economy booms. More: The Hill

Note eight: Donald Trump is a sexual abuser and a liar.

Note nine: It’s pretty amazing that a dumbfuck football coach turned Republican Senator can attack the military and his party is fine with it. More: Forbes

Note 10: Ron DeSantis is a loser. But he’s a loser who is hurting a lot of people. More: AP

Note 11: Vice President Harris withdrew from an event in LA yesterday because she would’ve had to cross a picket line. Our VP is awesome, and people don’t say it enough. More: Deadline

Note 12: Mike Pence actually tried to cover for Trump’s sexual abuse yesterday. We’d call that dude pathetic, but he passed pathetic years ago. More: NBC

Note 13: Let’s check in on RFK Jr’s campaign and make sure it’s not getting too idiotic. Oops. Too late!

Note 14: We’re not gonna link to it, but CNN actually did a fucking story today about how Trump is trying to run a “more traditional campaign.” That’s how we know CNN is corrupt. Because nobody is that fucking dumb. NO LINK

Note 15: Tucker Carlson is back. Sorta. He announced yesterday he’s going to do his show on twitter. And that should just about kill off what’s left of twitter. So congrats, racist scumbag! More: Reuters

Note 16: It’s not like we expected Republican senators to finally start being decent human beings after Trump was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll and lying about it. But holy shit these guys are some real fucking scumbags! Rubio is human garbage! More: HuffPost

Note 17: This shit is fucking hilarious. Santos is charged with employment fraud and House Republicans are bringing a fraud bill to the floor AND SANTOS IS A CO-SPONSOR!!!

Note 18: Harlan Crow, the billionaire who collects nazi shit and Supreme Court justices, told the Senate Judiciary Committee to fuck off after they asked him for an accounting of all the gifts he’s given Thomas over the years. We’re really hoping that Durbin is ready to get tough. Especially now that… More: NBC

Note 19: DIFI IS BACK! More: NBC

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news. Friends, the wheels of justice turn like they’ve got a fucking flat, but they do sometimes turn. And that’s what seems to be happening this week. Except on CNN. Fuck them. Y’all have a blessed day.

Dark Brandon rises

As inflation falls. Consumer prices were up 4.9 percent this year which actually means 10 straight months that inflation has dropped under Joe Biden. Even as employment has boomed! The Federal Reserve needs to stop trying to put Americans out of work and accept this as good news.

More: Forbes

LOLOL

So we’ve alluded to it quite a bit already, but George Santos or whatever the fuck his name is was arrested this morning. And Georgie is in some shit. Seven counts of wire fraud. Three counts of money laundering. One count of theft of public funds. Two counts of lying to the House of Representatives. And this was the motherfucker who helped put McCarthy over the top. If Republicans want to talk about crime, they could start with their own caucus.

More: HuffPost

Even more LOLOL

While Santos was being booked, House Republicans were accusing Biden and his whole family — even his grandchildren — of being criminals. The only thing they forgot to bring was one ounce of wrongdoing. Yeah, House Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer and Gym Jordan held a press conference this morning that they promised was “judgment day” for the Biden family. Except it wasn’t, and they don’t have shit. Maybe Politico and CNN should stop acting like Comer and Jordan are serious people.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

New draft guidelines from the USPSTF say that mammogram screenings should now start at age 40 and occur every two years. Previously, the organization recommended starting screenings at age 50. “That was contrary to all of the other organizations at the time,” said Dr. Sarah Friedewald, chief of breast imaging at Northwestern Medicine in Chicago. More: HuffPost

New Hampshire CNN viewers are being reminded of Donald Trump’s coup attempt ahead of his “town hall” on that network Wednesday night, thanks to Liz Cheney, the former Wyoming congresswoman and vice chair of the House Jan. 6 committee. More: HuffPost

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