4.9.24 Theater

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity to talk about the batshit crazy people.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re so happy to see you. We thought maybe you got raptured yesterday, and then we remembered you’re cool like us so that wouldn’t happen. Of course Marjorie Batshit Greene didn’t get raptured either, so maybe it’s not about being cool. But we are proud of everyone who managed to get through an eclipse without losing their shit yesterday. Sadly, that does not include the scum at Fox News…

Sigh. What a bunch of fucking losers. For more on this pathetic lunacy, we spoke to The Sun…

Oof. We seem to have angered the sun. So blame the next eclipse on us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It probably should be a bigger story that Ted Cruz is having money for his podcast illegally funneled to his PAC. Don’t you wish laws applied to politicians? Especially the shitty ones? More: SA Current

Note three: Cornel West is announcing a running mate tomorrow. He should just cut the shit and pick either Trump or Putin.

Note four: It’s hard to believe there are people out there dumb enough to think Trump wouldn’t sign a national abortion ban. HE’S THE DIRTY SONOFABITCH WHO OVERTURNED ROE!!! More: AP

Note five: Dawn Staley is a national champion who has lost three games in three years. Riley Gaines is a sore loser who came in fourth fucking place in a swim meet. Which one do you think knows more about women’s sports?

Note six: Congrats or something to UConn on winning the men’s national championship last night. More: ESPN

Note seven: Elon Musk has a burner account and thinks its fine to call Jewish people neo-nazis. Seems like a cool guy, don’t he? More: Rolling Stone

Note eight: Trump REALLY doesn’t want to go on trial this month. An appellate court said too bad. More: Politico

Note nine: Jack Smith told SCOTUS that Trump isn’t immune from crimes. We hope he signed the brief Captain Fucking Obvious. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We’re gonna cuss and throw shit about this in the news section, but we want to make sure everyone sees it…

Note 11: Trump kiss-ass and New York Jets owner Woody Johnson wants everyone to know what a great guy Trump is. Everyone else wants Woody to know he’s full of shit. More: HuffPost

Note 12: A whole bunch of retired generals and admirals wrote to the Supreme Court to tell them that Trump ain’t immune from shit. We’re starting to notice a pattern here. More: The Hill

Note 13: In case you missed it, Senate Republicans are going to kill the child tax credit. Again. Because they really care about the kids. More: Bloomberg

Note 14: You really need to see the Biden-Harris campaign’s latest ad on abortion. More: NBC

Note 15: Can you believe Hunter Biden made Jared Kushner do this?

Note 16: Mike Pence was very angry about Trump’s abortion bullshit yesterday. And no, we don’t have any idea who this Mike Pence fella is either. More: USA Today

Note 17: Trump doesn’t hate immigrants. He just hates everyone who isn’t white. More: Guardian

Note 18: Yesterday Joe Biden announced an effort to help a lot of Americans. So of course Republicans are furious about it. More: WNCT

Note 19: For today’s happy note (should we start calling this the TBS Happy Ending?), we’re going back to the hardwood. Y’all know we love watching women’s college basketball and now we know everyone else does too. Look at these numbers! And congratulations to everyone who has helped grow this amazing game.

Note 20: And on that awesome fucking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your eyeballs are still working after yesterday’s eclipse. And if you did use the darkness to do some nefarious shit, good for you! We won’t judge. Love y’all!

What the hell?

Remember the name Eric Hovde. He is the Republican nominee for Senate in Wisconsin. He’s also a goddamn psychopath. In new audio, Hovde is heard saying that maybe nursing home residents shouldn’t be able to vote because they’re going to die soon. Seriously. So yeah, if you live in Wisconsin, you should probably vote for Tammy Baldwin who doesn’t want to deprive senior citizens of the right to vote because they might die someday.

More: Heartland Signal

Theater

Trump is big mad at Lindsey Graham. Or at least he’s pretending to be. It all looks like bullshit to us. Lindsey is pretending that Trump didn’t go far enough on abortion, and Trump is pretending to be mad at Lindsey for calling him out. It’s all a game. Lindsey knows Trump would sign a national abortion ban. He also knows Trump is hurting on abortion. So Lindsey is trying to make Trump seem like a moderate. It will work on the New York Times. Let’s hope it doesn’t work on anyone else.

More: NBC

A confession

By now we hope you’ve seen the video of RFK Jr’s New York state director saying the goal of the RFK campaign is to deny enough electoral votes to Joe Biden so the House of Representatives can throw the election to Trump. This is real, people. They are really doing this. And RFK’s denials are absolute horseshit. So tell everyone — a vote for RFK is a vote for Trump.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

For the 10th consecutive month, Earth in March set a new monthly record for global heat — with both air temperatures and the world’s oceans hitting an all-time high for the month, the European Union climate agency Copernicus said. More: HuffPost

GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia issued a searing indictment of House Speaker Mike Johnson’s leadership in a new letter sent to her Republican colleagues on Tuesday, according to a copy shared with CNN, in a significant escalation of her rhetoric as she tries to build support for potentially ousting Johnson. More: CNN