4.8.24 Let’s talk money

Be advised: This newspaper cusses like someone made the whole goddamn sun go away.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we are exhausted. While y’all spent the weekend partying your hot asses off, we were locked in a heated debate here at TBS HQ. It all started when we saw this dumb shit…

Yeah, we know. Infuriating blasphemous garbage. We cussed up a fucking storm when we saw it too. Dumb dirty motherfucker thinks he’s just like Mandela? Horseshit. So we started debating — should we or should we not do one of our fake interviews with the ghost of Nelson Mandela. Because honestly, that seems tacky even for a cussing newsletter. But ultimately we decided fuck it. So here’s that interview…

Sorry, y’all. We just couldn’t bring ourselves to have that all-time hero fake cussing and carrying on like we do. Still, we think he makes a good point. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you want to know where Trump stands on abortion, just look at what his friends are doing in Red States since he ended Roe. We’ll cuss more about this later.

Note three: Did y’all see the media buy Trump’s bullshit that he raised $50 million? Like how many times does he have to fucking lie to them before they start showing a little skepticism? Chumps.

Note four: Just a reminder that Melania Trump is not a prisoner or sympathetic victim. She is trash who fucked up Jackie Kennedy’s Rose Garden. She can eat shit. More: Independent

Note five: There’s an eclipse today. Do we think Trump will stare at this one too?

Note six: Yeah, there’s just something about eclipses that makes the dumbfucks act extra dumbfucky. Sarah Huckabee Sanders actually declared a state of emergency for Arkansas. She knows the sun will come back in a few seconds, right? More: ABC3340 

Note seven: And don’t even get us started on Marjorie Taylor Assbrain…

Note eight: We want to wish HUGE congratulations to the South Carolina Gamecocks and Coach Dawn Staley on winning the national championship this weekend. We loved every second of this tournament, and we’re damn sorry to see it end. Excited to watch Caitlin Clark and some of these other ballers in the WNBA in a few weeks. More: ESPN

Note nine: And thank you to Coach Staley for standing up for trans folks when some right-wing asshole tried to make the women’s final four all about the Trump scum agenda. More: NBC

Note 10: You probably already guessed this but we didn’t win the $1.3 billion Powerball. If you did, can we interest you in ownership of a cussing newsletter?

Note 11: This interview was absolutely heartbreaking…

Note 12: Don’t ask Sam about Coach Calipari leaving Kentucky. He appears to be catatonic since he heard the news.

Note 13: Biden is canceling more student debt. It’s nice to have a president who cares about non-billionaire assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Trump’s plan for ending Russia’s war against Ukraine is to give Russia everything they want. Some plan. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We don’t say enough nice things about Jessica Tarlov. Can you imagine how exhausting it must be trying to teach reality to the world’s stupidest shitheads every day?

Note 16: Former Speaker Pelosi has joined other Democrats in calling for Biden to cut off arms to Israel. Whoa. More: Guardian

Note 17: A Republican congressman admitted this weekend that Russian propaganda has “infected” his party. Yes, that should be bigger news than it is. More: Axios

Note 18: Holy shit did Montana Republicans ever nominate a lying scumbag to be their Senate candidate against Jon Tester. Dude lied about being shot in Afghanistan. He shot himself! More: DailyMail

Note 19: We like to end on a good note but we’re too fucking pissed off about Trump’s abortion lies. What a fucking asshole.

Note 20: And on that angry note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. And as always, we sure appreciate you folks not comparing yourselves to Jesus or Nelson Mandela. Love y’all!

Seems pretty corrupt

Desperate to break Joe Biden’s fundraising record, Donald Trump invited a whole bunch of billionaire scum to Mar-a-Lago this weekend to raise money. He claims they raised $50 million, but he lies about everything. The real news though is Trump told this room full of rich assholes that he’s going to cut their taxes again. Yes, this is extremely corrupt and gross and should be huge news.

More: NBC

Let’s talk money

So Trump is probably lying about how much money he raised. But that’s ok because he’s still doing what he does best in that race — losing. Over the weekend, we learned that Biden-Harris raised a whopping $90 million last quarter to Trump’s $65.5 million. And when it comes to politics, the number that matters most is cash-on-hand. So who’s winning that race? Dark Brandon is with $192 million to Trump’s $93 million. And Biden doesn’t need to spend a shitload on lawyers to stay out of prison.

More: Axios

Goddamn liar

So Trump is clearly feeling the heat on abortion. This morning the orange assface put out a video in which he pretended to be putting out a statement on abortion. Instead he just took credit for ending Roe v. Wade, said abortion should be left up to the states, refused to say if he’d back a national ban and lied about Democrats killing babies outside the womb. It was an appalling performance and won’t change the fact that every extremist abortion law being passed and enforced is because of Donald J. Trump. We won’t forget. And we won’t forgive. Thank you to our friends at Meidas Touch for reporting this story accurately.

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden may face complications getting on Ohio’s 2024 general election ballot unless Democrats make changes or the state legislature takes action, according to a letter issued by the office of Ohio’s secretary of state, Frank LaRose. More: CNN

Maryland Gov. Wes Moore (D) on Sunday said the timeline provided by President Joe Biden for the resumption of normal operations at the Port of Baltimore by the end of May is “realistic” as works continue following the tragic accident that led to the collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge last month. More: HuffPost