4.5.24 Joey Jobs!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses and sneezes. Its allergies are fucking awful this time of year.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Congratulations on making it to the weekend. We hope you do something fun and reckless with it. But before you go, why don’t we do some news and throw some dirt on No Labels? Because those hopeless assheads are deader than a dumbshit doornail…

LOL!!! Buh-bye!!! LOL!!! Who could’ve guessed that this soulless directionless Trump-loving con job would fall flat on its bullshit face before it even got out of the gate?! Oh right. We all did. Do you know how big a bunch of fucking losers you have to be to get turned down by Chris Christie AND Joe Manchin? Those assholes would hump a bonfire if they thought it would get them another 10 seconds on television.

We thought about a few different ways to celebrate the passing of No Labels. We even wrote out a eulogy that was not at all nice or respectful and involved a fake preacher using the words “parasitic piss-stains.” But ultimately they just didn’t seem like they were worth that much effort though. So we decided to just go with this —

Eat shit and fuck off, No Labels. We’ve already forgotten about you assholes.

Now if we could just get RFK, Jill Stein and Cornel West to follow their lead, we might actually be able to save this fucked up country. But that’s probably just wishful thinking. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How was that cussing for y’all? Well if you loved it, then you’re really going to probably maybe like our weekly podcast, This Week’s Big Stuff. It’s just a short weekly roundup of the week’s news with Sam and Adam and Sam’s Kentucky accent cussing like lunatic sailors, but it does help keep this crazy little newsletter alive. Join us if you dare! More: Patreon

Note three: We are so goddamn excited to talk about today’s jobs report we almost can’t wait until the news section.

Note four: Biden got tough with Netanyahu yesterday and immediately saw some policy changes about letting aid into Israel. It’s a good start. More: HuffPost

Note five: Sexy Patriots, we have failed you. We have not spent nearly enough time warning you about Project 2025. We’re gonna start correcting that today.

Note six: The Rock has turned on Joe Biden and started hanging with Fox News people. What a fucking bummer. More: Newsweek

Note seven: Watching Trump Media crash and burn and knowing he can’t sell his stock is just delicious. More: LA Mag

Note eight: House Republicans are trying to put conditions on money to fix the bridge in Baltimore. What a bunch of assholes. More: Politico

Note nine: You geniuses had us rolling on the floor with your Trump family television show suggestions. Some of our favorites — The Shady Bunch, The Hate Boat, Hate is Enough and Bad Times. So funny. Thanks for playing!

Note 10: Aren’t you glad you aren’t a member of the same party as this lunatic?

Note 11: An earthquake hit the East Coast this morning? That doesn’t seem normal or good.

Note 12: LOL. No Labels dude says he’s voting for Biden. More: Guardian

Note 13: Don’t forget the women’s final four is tonight. If you’re like us, you’re definitely not gonna miss UConn playing Iowa.

Note 14: Uh-oh. Two members of Congress have been subpoenaed in Arizona over their efforts to overturn the election. Andy Biggs and Paul Gosar, please report to the grand jury. More: Politico

Note 15: Sam will not shut up about Beyonce’s new album. And here’s Paul McCartney weighing in. The best part is some dude trying to Beatle-splain one of Paul’s songs to Paul. LOL!

Note 16: First Eastman and now Jeffrey Clark. Every time we mention that dude we just hope he’s wearing pants. More: Politico

Note 17: Joke Judge Aileen Cannon denied Trump’s motion to dismiss yesterday. But she’s still playing fucking games. More: Politico

Note 18: If we did a fucking asshole of the week feature, this week’s would be Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry who has spent all week attacking the LSU women’s team because they were in the locker room when the national anthem was played. Why would anyone play sports in a state with assholes like this? More: Yahoo Sports

Note 19: Today’s happy note is that Sen. Sherrod Brown raised $12 million last quarter, breaking an Ohio record. Woohoo! He’s gonna need every penny, but we need to put this man back in the Senate. More: The Hill

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. And if you’re not one of the seven people who supported No Labels, that shouldn’t be too hard. We sure do love you, Sexy Patriots. Thanks for joining us.

Seems like a cool guy

First RFK Jr. was confused on how he feels about abortion and now he’s confused about how he feels about Jan. 6. The Kennedy campaign spent yesterday afternoon furiously trying to walk back support for the Jan. 6 terrorists after sending out a fundraising email that referred to the terrorist scum as “J6 activists.” The campaign blamed it on a vendor and said RFK doesn’t believe that. Except he has said in the past he’s open to pardoning the people who attacked our Capitol. This guy sure seems like a real scumbag.

More: AP

Getting Baltimore’s back

While House Republicans play cruel cynical games, Joe Biden continues to show up for Baltimore. Literally. Today Biden is taking an aerial tour of the Francis Scott Key Bridge and then meeting with the families of the workers who were killed when the bridge collapsed. We will never understand why so many Americans take Biden’s humanity for granted when the last guy told us all to go fuck ourselves when disaster hit. Anyway, thanks Mr. President.

More: AP

Joey Jobs!

Y’all, there’s only one way to describe the jobs report that came out this morning and that’s HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! Biden has done it again. Last month the US economy added 303,000 jobs! That’s more than the 214,000 expected (who the fuck comes up with these expectations and why are they so bad at it?) and the unemployment rate is at 3.8 percent. Biden has created more than 15 MILLION JOBS! Oh and wages are up and inflation is down. Fox News is furious.

More: Guardian

Today’s clips

The Biden administration is preparing new proposals aiming to reduce or cancel student loan debt for millions of borrowers, two sources familiar with the plans told CNN, another attempt to address a key issue facing voters before November’s election. More: CNN

Kid Rock has made Budweiser part of his style again roughly one year after he shared a video of himself shooting cans of Bud Light amid conservative backlash to the brand’s partnership with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney. More: HuffPost