4.5.23 Trump has a bad day in court

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because it loves this fucking country.

Note: Sexy freaking Patriots!!!! It’s approaching noon on the east coast, we are pantsless, covered in glitter and doing champagne baths with chocolate milk with a good-spirited mailman. Welcome to the good times. Enjoy your stay.

We started this newsletter to help us cope with the cruel mind-blowing dumbfuckery of Trumpland, and so we know how to respond when he tear-gasses a bunch of people or shits himself in court. But when you have a great day — like America had yesterday — it can be a little hard to process. And really the only thing to do is dance. And at TBS, dancing means shaking our booties.

So we started shaking said booties at about 1-2 mph around 9:45 am yesterday just in a general “fuckhead is getting arraigned today” kinda way. When Marge and Santos turned tail and ran from a New York welcome, we accelerated to 4-5 mph, a solid butt wiggle but still easily within all safety recommendations. When Trump got to the courthouse, we kicked it all the way up to 7 mph and our booties became blurs. It was awesome. It was ass-shaking art.

But then our guy won in Chicago telling Betsy DeVos to go get fucked again. And our booties jumped up to 9 mph. We weren’t even controlling it and that’s just way too godamn fast for any sane booty. And then we won in Wisconsin and all hell broke loose. Booties were shaking so fast they started smoking. And then BOOM! A massive explosion ripped through TBS HQ with pieces of fine hot booty flying everywhere. It was a real fucking mess.

The point is enjoy these sweet fucking days. Because we all know too well by now how determined our opponents are to keep losing in the most humiliating ways possible. So let’s celebrate like some wild lunatics for the next few days and then get back to keeping democracy safe. Love y’all! More: AP

Note two: And a HUGE thank you to the Sexy Patriots in Chicago and Wisconsin. Both huge races. Judge Janet’s win in that Wisconsin race is going to mean so much in terms of women’s rights and free and fair elections. Just a big damn night all-around for democracy. More: ​​CNN

Note three: Big thanks to Rachel Maddow and MSBNC for being responsible last night and not opening up a raging fire hose of horseshit into millions of American living rooms. There was no reason to take that deranged crap live, and anyone who did should be ashamed.

Note four: That last note was about CNN. We’re sorry to be so passive aggressive about it. They suck.

Note five: THIRTY-FOUR FUCKING FELONIES!!! And he’s also clearly the evil monster who lives under the bridge that wanted to kill those three billy goats from that story. More: AP

Note six: Father of the Year Donald Trump forgot one of his kids last night. Seems like his dumb ass would know better than to try to list them. Can’t imagine that has ever gone well. And it’s a good way to get Tiffany to flip and start singing to the law.

Note seven: We need to say this again — When Democrats run on fighting for abortion rights, they win. So let’s do what’s right and also win some more elections.

Note eight: Are we wrong to think that the United States Senate used to be more dignified that Lindsey Graham going on Fox News and begging for money? Yes, we’re wrong. There have always been pathetic creeps in the Senate. But Lindsey might be the best at it.

Note nine: We should’ve mentioned earlier that Trump pleaded not guilty. But we still think he did it.

Note 10: By the way, that sonofabitch Justice Janet beat in Wisconsin gave about the tackiest speech we’ve ever seen. No wonder he got his ass so thoroughly whooped. Look at the man baby cry…

Note 11: It’s pretty crazy to watch Republicans turn the United States House of Representatives into Donald Trump’s personal defense firm. It’s even crazier watching the beltway press treat that shit like it’s normal. More: HuffPost

Note 12: A Mississippi Senator is blocking one of Joe Biden’s judicial nominees, and Dick Durbin is letting her do it. Enough is enough. Listen to the voters, Dick. More: Bloomberg Law

Note 13: We are so behind on emails, and we’re really embarrassed about it. But please email us and tell us how you’ve been celebrating the indictment news. We know it’s something sexy and patriotic.

Note 14: So are we the only ones wondering about the doorman and Trump’s secret kid and holy shit it’s Matt Gaetz isn’t it. More: USA Today

Note 15: Thousands of kids have marched in Tennessee. Republicans have responded by trying to expel three Democratic members from the statehouse. Thank goodness we have a White House that’s listening.

Note 16: You won’t believe this, but Alan Dershowitz lost a lawsuit yesterday. And this was his big chance to get back in with the cool kids on the vineyard. (The link sucks so the long and short of it is he sued CNN for defamation and it got thrown out of court.) More: Law360

Note 17: Rupert Murdoch called off his engagement. Said he’d rather spend his time sucking the blood out of rodents. Guess love is dead. More: People

Note 18: This is a weird thing to say and we’re not linking to anything but man Kid Rock really looks like shit these days. Guess being a hateful dumbfuck ages you.

Note 19: HUGE congratulations to Stacey Abrams on her new role at Howard University. Stacey changed Georgia and the country, and we’re so excited for her next move. More: Washington Post

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news and then get back to shaking our booties in a safe and responsible manner. It’s gonna take us weeks to clean up this goddamn mess. Y’all have a blessed day.

Tarheel turncoat

So we were having a decent week in North Carolina as the state finally got off its ass and expanded Medicaid. With a new and totally corrupt Supreme Court, we were bracing for some bad shit to come in the days ahead. But we were most definitely not expecting to get stabbed in the back yesterday by state Rep. Tricia Cotham, who abruptly switched parties yesterday and whose district voted for Joe Biden by more than 20 points. The state Democratic Party chair called it “deceit in highest order.” The move will give statehouse a veto-proof supermajority they can now use to pass a bunch of right-wing insanity and fuck over Gov. Roy Cooper. We thought about devoting quite a bit of space to cussing Rep. Cotham up and down, but we figured y’all could take it from here.

More: News Observer

NPRgofuckyourself

Elon Musk wakes up everyday in his dork cave trying to think of new ways to be the absolute fucking worst. Yesterday it was an attack on NPR. Yeah, the dipshit whose car company is successful thanks to US government subsidies has decided that NPR needs to be labeled “state-affiliate media” like fucking RT or China’s Xinhua. Elon really really really hates American democracy, and he bought twitter to try and destroy it. So basically his dumb weird ass signed up with the losing team. Fuck off, Elon.

More: Forbes

It’s pouring

The dam might’ve just burst all over poor Donald J. Trump. Because while shithead was headed to get arrested yesterday, an appeals court was ruling that his ex-aides have to testify in the Jan. 6 investigation. And really, as much as Trump seemed all pants-shitty about getting arrested in New York, he seems REALLY fucking afraid of Jack Smith. Franky we think he should be fucking terrified of all of it. The free ride is over. It’s time to pay the piper.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Democratic Rep. Jesús “Chuy” García of Illinois announced on Tuesday the death of his daughter.

“Last night our beloved daughter, Rosa, passed away at the age of 28,” García said in a statement released by his office. “Our family is completely heartbroken.” More: CNN

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