4.4.23 Happy Arraignment Day!

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. But it mostly uses them to describe bad people like that dirty orange motherfucker getting arraigned today.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The day is finally upon us! Donald J. Trump has been arrested and charged with crimes! Goddamn that felt good to write! We’re really excited as you might imagine. Not CNN-getting-horny-over-a-plane excited, but still pretty fucking excited. Did y’all see our media friends totally keeping their cool yesterday? This was from the 4 pm hour of CNN…

Jake Tapper: There’s the plane. On the tarmac now. Just landed in New York. There you see our correspondent on the tarmac, walking up to the plane. He now appears to be handing the plane itself some sort of flowers and what looks to be a very expensive bottle of wine. Oh dear he’s now taken off his pants and he appears to be wrapping his leg around one of the landing gear…

Wolf Blitzer: Both legs, Jake.

Tapper: I’m sorry. You’re right. CNN’s Senior Trump Airplane Correspondent has taken off his pants and wrapped both legs around one of the landing gear of Trump Force One and we think he’s… yes, we can now confirm he’s gently making love to Donald Trump’s airplane. Goodness. Not sure we should be showing you this, but look at him go…

Blitzer: Goddamn that’s hot.

Tapper: This is CNN. We should be ashamed.

Wow. That’s not real, but it’s not that far off. So yeah, that’s how shit is going but you know what — FUCK ‘EM!!! Today is a day to celebrate the American rule of law, and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do. By putting on some funky music and shaking our fine asses all around this living room. Who’s with us?

Note two: We’re not just celebrating an orange man with tiny hands in tiny handcuffs today. We’re also celebrating the arrival of our newest TBSer, Paxton John. He’s already started giving people the finger, so we just know he’s gonna fit right in. Huge congratulations to Adam and Ally!

Note three: Today is ELECTION DAY! If you’re in Wisconsin, please go vote for Judge Janet. The polls are open until 8 pm, and pretty much EVERYTHING is riding on this race. If you’re in Chicago, vote for Brandon Johnson, who earned the TBS endorsement by not being supported by Betsy DeVos.

Note four: While cable news was salivating over a motorcade yesterday, Tennessee and Florida Republicans were going full fascist. In Tennessee, they are moving to expel three Democratic members from the statehouse because those members dared to protest with the thousands of Tennessee kids who are sick and fucking tired of being shot at. More: Tennessean

Note five: And in DeSantisland, cops arrested peacefully protesting Democrats last night as Republicans rushed through their six-week abortion ban. More: Tallahassee Democrat

Note six: The kids are alright. Despite our best efforts.

Note seven: You know how 60 Minutes and Lesley Stahl totally disgraced themselves Sunday? Well their ratings reflect that. More: Radar Online

Note eight: Speaking of pathetic losers, Trump lost $700 million because Truth Social is such a joke. More: Forbes

Note nine: We really love Dr. Jill Biden, but she screwed up yesterday. Badly. Champions go to the White House, Dr. Biden. More: USA Today

Note 10: Let’s check in outside the courthouse and see how the very serious Republican Party is doing, shall we?

Note 11: And Santos has already left.

Note 12: Marjorie Taylor Greene arrived and her awful attacks on New York and the rule of law were immediately drowned out by hecklers. Enjoy Manhattan, Marge.

Note 13: ABCNews has confirmed Fox’s report about Trump’s Secret Service agents having to testify. More: ABC

Note 14: A new New Hampshire poll came out yesterday and it shows Liz Cheney with 2 percent and Mike Pence with 1 percent and we just think that is so fucking funny. More: WMUR

Note 15: This note is just in case you ever wonder if you’re on the wrong side of things…

Note 16: Ron DeSantis got embarrassed by Mickey Mouse so he’s launching a criminal investigation into the company. Bob Iger called the move “anti-Florida” as it becomes more and more obvious that Disney isn’t just gonna take Ron’s shit. More: CNN

Note 17: Remember the Clinton lawyer that John Durham went after? Well he’s back at work because Durham is a joke that we’re still paying for for some reason. More: Bloomberg Law

Note 18: This story about ICE seizing data is fucking terrifying. We hope CNN will do a few more hours of humping-Trump’s-plane footage instead of covering this. More: Wired

Note 19: Apparently Margorie Taylor Greene has already left. LOLOL!!!!

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news and then sit back and enjoy this historic day. It’s been a long and shitty journey, SPs, but we are finally starting to see some accountability. Let us bask in it. Love y’all!

Ron DeSchoolShooter

Because there aren’t enough Americans dying every fucking day from gun violence, Ron DeSantis decided to make Florida even deadlier. Yesterday, hiding behind closed doors like the gutless chickenshit coward that he is, White Boots White Supremacist signed a bill making concealed carry legal without a permit. Yes, people will die because of this. No, he doesn’t care. We fucking dare Republicans to nominate this guy. Let’s spend the next year talking about his gun fetish and his six-week abortion ban. We fucking dare you.

More: CBS

Yay Finland!

It’s all anyone is talking about today, but NATO officially has a new member. The Finnish flag was raised at NATO HQ this morning, and it was a beautiful sight. Now we just need Sweden to catch up. Putin wanted to destroy NATO. Trump tried to help him do it. But here they are adding expansion teams.

More: CNN

Happy Arraignment Day!

Welp, there’s a circus in New York City today, and a clown is about to have a bad day. Donald J. Trump is surrendering to New York authorities this afternoon, and early reports are that he will be charged with 32 felony counts. But we’ll see. True to form, Trump spent the hours before his arrest attacking the judge and his family and trying to raise money off the most gullible people in history. Our favorite was last night when he attacked Alvin Bragg’s wife and then said Bragg should “indict himself.” Yeah, so when the New York Times tells you Trump is enjoying this, you can see they’re being lied to. Enjoy this day, Sexy Patriots. We’ve worked hard to defend the rule of law in this country for a while now. Today is your day.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Former Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan’s one-time chief of staff Roy McGrath has died after a nationwide manhunt for him ended Monday in a confrontation with the FBI in Knoxville, Tennessee, according to McGrath’s attorney. More: CNN

Astronauts who will helm the first crewed moon mission in five decades were revealed on Monday, queuing up the quartet to begin training for the historic Artemis II lunar flyby that is set to take off in November 2024.

The astronauts are NASA’s Reid Wiseman, Victor Glover and Christina Koch, and Jeremy Hansen of the Canadian Space Agency. More: CNN

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