4.3.24 Pants on fire

Be advised: This newsletter is obscene. But lots of shit is these days.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, if there’s one thing we love more than American democracy, it is watching the painful humiliation of the miserable shit-eating scum who tried to end that democracy. Because it’s hilarious! Our favorite sleazy crap weasel has been Rudy Giuliani for so long that we didn’t realize we were missing out on making fun of one of the least dignified dumbasses of all time. And then we saw this yesterday…

LOLOLOL!!!!! Holy shit! We laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe. And then we stopped laughing and got really down on ourselves for not making more fun of this loser than we already have. Sure he never pooped out of his forehead at the RNC or held a press conference at Four Seasons Landscaping, but isn’t “NOT ELIGIBLE TO PRACTICE LAW” almost as hilariously humiliating? And that’s not all! We did some digging and found these other bold-faced red-letter flags in Eastman’s file…

*Has Never Satisfied a Lover

*Smells Like Garlic and Buttcrack

*Never Returns His Shopping Cart

*Not Actually a Lawyer But Surprisingly One Helluva Dancer

*Says “Irregardless”

*Chronic Shart Sneezer

*Hates the New Beyonce

*Sucks at Life and Life-Related Things

*A Dirty Goddamn Turd-Fucking Traitor to the United States of America

They’re all good reasons not to hire a lawyer, but we think that last one is probably the dealbreaker. Y’all have a blessed day. More: LA Mag

Note two: Btw, we totally confused John Eastman for Jeffrey Clark and we were gonna make fun of Eastman for not wearing pants when he was raided but it was actually Clark who wasn’t wearing pants when he was raided. So long story short our google search history is a fucking nighmare now.

Note three: If you are or have been in the paths of any of these terrible storms, we’re sending love your way. We know how scary that shit is. More: HuffPost

Note four: Abortion rights might be on the ballot in Arizona this November. Of course we all know that Abortion is on the ballot everywhere this November. More: NBC

Note five: Holy freaking crap! Look at these numbers!

Note six: You know how right-wing media spent the weekend lying about Joe Biden’s White House Easter celebration? Well one of them actually retracted their bullshit. Yeah, we can’t believe it either. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Peter Navarro wants Gorsuch to get him out of jail. LOL. Peter Navarro is in jail. More: ABC

Note eight: We’re sending love to Rep. Raul Grijalva, who announced yesterday that he has been diagnosed with cancer. Give it hell, congressman. More: CNN

Note nine: Jack Smith seems to have had enough of Aileen Cannon’s bullshit. We have too, but we got there a long time ago. More: Salon

Note 10: Anybody wanna bet that this will be like the healthcare plan and infrastructure bill he kept telling us was coming in two weeks?

Note 11: We’re staying out of the Maryland Senate primary, but it sure looks like it’s gonna be a close one. More: Politico

Note 12: Germany has legal weed now. So Germany just became cooler than Glenn Youngkin. But it wasn’t hard to do. More: CNN

Note 13: Republican Senate candidates think they’re gonna be able to hide their past positions on abortion. We disagree. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Well this is pretty goddamn funny. Kellyane Conway’s husband maxed out to the Biden victory fund with a $900,000 contribution. That dude’s decision-making has improved greatly the last few years. More: Axios

Note 15: It seems to us you can hire everyone you want to, but as long as your owner likes nazi shit then you’re gonna have a problem.

Note 16: Damnit. Joe Flaherty was hilarious. Remember him in Stripes? More: LA Mag

Note 17: Virginia Democrats came out swinging with fire at the idea that Dulles would be renamed for Trump. We actually like it when Republicans come up with these dumb ideas. It reminds voters exactly who their choices are. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Trump is suing the co-founders of Truth Social. So yeah that’s going about as well as you’d expect. More: CNN

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, and nothing makes us happier than white supremacist assholes losing. Bye-bye to Judson Blevins, the Oklahoma city councilman who just got beat in a recall. And thanks to OKC for doing the right thing. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that celebratory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is going awesome. Or at least better than John Eastman’s. Love y’all!

Pants on fire

So Donald Trump is a no good piece of shit liar. We know that’s not news to you, but we still needed to say it. Yesterday Trump went to Michigan to stand in front of a bunch of shitty cops and try and scare people about immigration. So he told a story about Ruby Garcia, a woman who was murdered. And he claimed he talked to Garcia’s family. And he was fucking lying. Garcia’s sister is calling out the former president and current asshole for lying about speaking to her family. Imagine the scandal if a Democrat pulled this shit.

More: Wood TV

Pretty messed up

Joe Biden seemed as pissed off as a lot of us were yesterday to learn that seven of Chef Jose Andres’s aid workers were killed by an Israeli drone strike while trying to provide relief to Gaza civilians. Biden spoke to Andres yesterday before issuing a statement that called out Israel for not doing enough to protect civilians or aid workers. Biden’s statement appeared to be the harshest toward Israel since the war with Gaza started after a massive and deadly Hamas attack last October. The chef’s World Central Kitchen announced it is suspending relief efforts.

More: Politico, HuffPost

Hell yeah

The Biden campaign is not fucking around when it comes to reminding voters that Donald Trump is the person responsible for overturning Roe v. Wade and stripping millions of women of their basic human rights. Yesterday the campaign dropped a new 30-second ad that is part of a seven-figure buy that uses Trump’s own words to remind voters that he bragged about overturning the landmark ruling. This is the stuff we want to see. Abortion is THE issue this year, and Biden needs to do everything he can to remind voters who broke everything.

More: LA Mag

Today’s clips

NATO chief Jens Stoltenberg will propose a $100 billion, five-year fund for Ukraine when alliance foreign ministers meet on Wednesday, two diplomats told POLITICO. More: Politico

Former President Donald Trump and the Republican National Committee raised $65.6 million in March and ended the month with $93.1 million in cash on hand, according to figures provided to POLITICO. More: Politico