4.3.23 Americans support gittin’ justice

Be advised: This newsletter cusses about politics. How the hell else would we talk about politics?

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Did you do a 48-hour indictment booty shake throwdown? Yeah, we didn’t either. We’re saving some for tomorrow. And any good mood we might have enjoyed would’ve just been ruined anyway by Lesley Stahl and 60 Minutes kissing Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Q-loving ass.

Seriously, Lesley, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you just way into QAnon? Why are the dumbshits in the press so fucking eager to normalize the least normal motherfuckers in this whole goddamn country? Well we say fuck it. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So we’re launching TBS 60, and our first guest is Shitnuts Q. Lunaticiuos who was arrested for climbing the Statue of Liberty just to hump her leg…

TBS 60: Shitnuts, you seem very normal as we walk through this field together with our hands clasped behind our backs.

Shitnuts: I am in love with a stuffed dead squirrel.

TBS 60: Ah that’s very interesting. And you’re looking to grow the Shitnuts brand?

Shitnuts: Motherfuckers I am trying to talk to you about love. Real fucking love goddamnit.

TBS 60: With a stuffed dead squirrel?

Shitnuts: Rocky.

TBS 60: Rocky?

Shitnuts. Yeah. Rocky.

TBS 60: What are the most popular misconceptions about Shitnuts and Rocky?

Shitnuts: Are you seriously trying to make this fucked up nonsense sound normal?

TBS 60: It’s what we do, Shitnuts. Now please tell us about all the totally normal ways you have sex with that stuffed dead squirrel.

Shitnuts: Rocky.

TBS 60: Our apologies. Rocky.

And that folks is our new show TBS 60. What? You mean 60 Minutes is already doing the Shitnuts story?! Well damn. Guess we’ll just have to keep our self respect. Y’all have a blessed day!

Note two: If the press is gonna continue kissing crazy ass, then TBS is just gonna have to step up to be a totally legit news source. So yeah we’re all fucked.

Note three: Did y’all see that championship game yesterday? Intense! Congrats to LSU!

Note four: It was cool to see FLOTUS at the game yesterday. It was also cool to see Jasmine Carson just go off in the first half.

Note five: WHO’S READY FOR THE GREAT TBS ARRAIGNMENT ASS SHAKE TOMORROW? Ok so we don’t have anything formal planned, but we will of course be shaking our fine asses to some groovy tunes as we celebrate orange dingus finally tasting some accountability.

Note six: Maybe 60 Minutes should’ve let Stormy Daniels interview MTG…

Note seven: Trump is planning a big televised address tomorrow night after he gets back from being processed in New York. When the networks carry it live, try to forget how they refused to cover Joe Biden warning about threats to democracy. More: AP

Note eight: We’re back to news organizations just showing footage of Trump’s plane sitting on a tarmac. They really really missed him.

Note nine: This is an actual headline from the New York Times — “Trump Flourishes in the Glare of His Indictment.” WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AT THAT NEWSPAPER?! NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 10: Hey you know who’s not getting indicted this week? The president who’s spending all his time talking about investing in America. More: ABC

Note 11: Elon was supposed to take away all the blue checks this weekend, but he chickened out and only took away the New York Times’s blue check and we’ve decided this is the funniest possible outcome. Considering how much they both love to kiss fascist ass, they should be best friends. More: NBC

Note 12: Elon’s Tesla sales aren’t going great. Maybe you shouldn’t become the face of your car if that face is a right-wing douche. More: CNN

Note 13: Joe Biden isn’t going to King Charles’s coronation. Probably because we fought a whole damn war to ensure we don’t have to kiss a king’s ass. More: Mother Jones

Note 14: Bill Barr was on Fox News this weekend talking about how Trump “lacks all self control.” Well there’s a quality you want in a president. Especially one you covered for. More: Business Insider

Note 15: If Trump wins, Ukraine is toast and Russia is the new boss of the world.

Note 16: If you live in Wisconsin, please please please vote for Judge Janet tomorrow. Abortion and democracy are on the ballot. We’re not even joking. Arguments in an abortion case have already been scheduled for May. More: Wisconsin State Journal

Note 17: And the other guy is a right-wing lunatic who’s being funded by a Jan. 6 asshole. More: Intercept

Note 18: Fox News had a really bad Friday as a judge decided that yes they lied and lied and lied. Now a jury will decide if they did so using actual malice. Judging how this weekend went, they ain’t learned a goddamn thing. More: NBC

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, so let’s close today with the news of this piece of shit Trump stain being found guilty for fucking with Black voters. More: Forbes

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news and then let’s rest up for the big day tomorrow. Y’all ready to cut loose and party on a Tuesday? We are too! We love y’all, and we hope you have an awesome day.

Fuck these assholes

So Joe Lieberman and Joe Manchin sure seem determined to get revenge on a party that gave them a home. Lieberman is of course one of the driving forces behind No Labels and its effort to get on the ballot in enough states to swing the election to Trump. Lieberman is a just a bitter has-been who wants to destroy a party that embraced him. Manchin is just a clueless corrupt idiot who seems fine being used to destroy democracy. Let’s say this as clearly as we can — A THIRD PARTY WILL ONLY ELECT TRUMP AND END DEMOCRACY AND ANYONE SUPPORTING THIS CAN KISS OUR ASSES.

More: New Republic, CNN

More trouble

The folks who keep telling us how weak the Stormy Daniels case is might soon have some other cases to set their minds at ease. Apparently Special Counsel Jack Smith has found evidence that Trump went into the classified docs he stole after being told he was in deep shit. Yeah, he knew he was busted and he still went rifling through the docs. Witnesses are being asked if he showed them to any donors. Fox News is reporting Trump’s Secret Service agents have been called to testify this week, but it’s Fox News so it might be total bullshit. Either way, make sure you’re making lots and lots of extra popcorn.

More: CNN

Let’s go!

Even though literally no one outside of New York has seen the indictment, Americans are for it. Yeah, CNN has the number at 60 percent of Americans approving of Trump’s indictment. Now 76 percent say it’s political but that’s just nonsense. Bottom line — America wants justice, and it’s about goddamn time Trump got a taste.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Country singer Kelsea Ballerini opened the CMT Music Awards with a tribute to victims of a school shooting while sharing in that community’s grief, then danced alongside drag artists as states across the country consider legally limiting drag show performances. More: CNN

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