4.29.24 Loser Lake

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it saw that fucked up shit about Kristi Noem. What a psycho.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! We thought we’d start off the week on a chill note. So FUCK CNN! What? That’s our version of chill. This weekend, while Washington was breaking its neck to kiss its own ass, the least trusted or watched name in news came out with a new poll that shows Trump winning in a landslide. They even have the guy who overturned Roe v. Wade winning with women.

Don’t worry. We’re not going to post it. Mostly because we don’t cover shit-covered garbage.

But we did do our own poll to find out where CNN ranks with Americans these days. Don’t worry, CNN, we used the same dumbfuck pollsters you did so you know the results are accurate or a total fucking outlier like the dumb steaming pile of crap you just dumped on America.

That’s what we suspected. Though we’re surprised CNN did that well. Polls and pundits are crap, garbage and dogshit. Ignore them all. Do the work. Win the race. Save America. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The White House Correspondents Dinner was this weekend. We’ve really soured on this thing in recent years, but it was great to see Dark Brandon show up with a much needed — and much deserved — message for the press…

Note three: And don’t you know the most petty news organization in the world, the New York Whines, said that host Colin Jost’s “jokes fell flat.” Well they made us laugh. And then sigh.

Note four: Remember last week when Trump’s attorney told the Supreme Court that Trump should be able to kill his political opponents and like five of the justices were like hmmmmm how interesting? That was pretty fucked up. More: Slate

Note five: We’re sending love to anyone and everyone affected by the bad storms this weekend. More: HuffPost

Note six: So how freaking amazing was it to see President Biden do Howard Stern’s show last week? We were really blown away. It was such a thoughtful and touching interview. Which is not at all what we used to think of when we thought of Howard Stern. More: Independent

Note seven: Happy birthday to the GOAT, Mr. Willie Nelson.

Note eight: Mitch McConnell REALLY wants to flip the Senate. Let’s make him even more miserable than Trump does, shall we? More: Axios

Note nine: Biden talked to Bibi yesterday. He told him again to not go into Rafah. Here’s hoping Bibi is listening. More: Politico

Note 10: Guess the New York Times wasn’t alone in hating Colin Jost. But the Gray Lady and the Orange Assface are on the same page a lot these days.

Note 11: Best of luck to WNBA superstar Candace Parker on her retirement! More: LA Mag

Note 12: We’ve gotten a wide range of replies to our take on the protests happening on college campuses across the country. We’ve mostly just said we want the students to feel safe and we want them to be able to speak. But regardless of where you come down, surely we can all agree with Sen. Tim Kaine that the National Guard does not need to be on college campuses. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Amazing. Chef Jose Andres’ World Central Kitchen is going back to work in Gaza despite the deaths of seven of its aid workers. The chef is truly a saint. More: NBC

Note 14: If you think you had a shitty weekend, just be glad you didn’t have to meet with Donald Trump. Or Ron DeSantis. Or both of them. Wonder if Ron showed Trump his pocket poop map. More: Politico

Note 15: It seems pretty bad to us that Trump often talked about executing Americans he didn’t like. It also seems pretty bad that Barr is a gutless soulless toad.

Note 16: Axios is reporting that Doug Burgum is moving up on Trump’s list of possible running mates. We call bullshit because we’re pretty sure that’s not an actual person. More: Axios

Note 17: Congrats to Adrienne Elrod and the Biden-Harris campaign. Adrienne is a star who just joined the team. More: Arkansas Online

Note 18: Sometimes we forget what an ass-kissing scumbag Lindsey Graham is. But only because we forget about Lindsey Graham. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to Jost and his close Saturday night about his granddad voting for Biden…

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome weekend. And we sure hope your TV doesn’t get CNN. Love y’all!

Funniest. Shit. Ever.

So Trump is freaking the fuck out about RFK Jr. and we cannot stop laughing. Trump spent part of his Truth Social weekend doing a multi-part rant about Batshit Bobby because he is legit scared the nutjob is gonna swing the election to Biden. Trump is right to worry. He and RFK are both joke candidates who can split the dumbfuck asshole vote. Don’t get us wrong. We’re still worried about RFK swinging the election to Trump. But it’ll be so goddamn funny if it screws things up for Trump.

More: Politico

WHAT THE FUCK?!

So it ain’t exactly breaking news that South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem is a heartless psycho. But we were kinda giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she drew the line at murdering small helpless animals and then bragging about it in a fucking book. We were wrong. So we have to ask for the billionth time — WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!!!!

More: LA Mag

Loser Lake

Kari Lake is a loser. And that’s not us saying it. It’s her fellow Republicans. And the voters of Arizona of course. Today the Washington Post has a story about how Republicans are worried that Lake pisses off way too many normal people by being a deranged lunatic moron. The best part? Trump got sick of her being at Mar-a-Lago all the time and “gently suggested” she should go back to Arizona. Damn that’s funny. Vote for Ruben Gallego!

More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

The Supreme Court on Monday turned away Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s requestto back out of a settlement agreement he struck with the Securities and Exchange Commission in 2018 over a series of tweets about the car maker that regulators alleged were fraudulent. More: CNN

President Joe Biden is scrambling to fund his cancer moonshot and its ambitious goal of cutting the death rate by half — an aim close to his heart that’s no longer a bipartisan priority. More: Politico