4.26.23 Oh Kevin

Be advised: This newsletter uses an obscene amount of obscenities. Goddamn that’s clever.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Welcome to Hump Day! You’re gonna love it. Speaking of love, we sure hope y’all know how much we love y’all and love doing this newsletter. Some days it doesn’t even feel like work.

Like on days when we find out that Fox News has an oppo file to keep Tucker Carlson in line. More: Rolling Stone

And wouldn’t you know we just happened to get our gorgeous hands on it. So, dear dear Sexy Patriots, without further ado here is what’s in the oppo file against Tucker Carlson…

— 100 percent completely addicted to having sex with bowls of candy-coated chocolate candy

— Not that fond of Americans

— Vegan and won’t shut up about it

— HUGE racist

— Bad case of tick testes

— Thinks Ted Lasso is just ok

— Got caught drinking Gaetz’s pee but totally only as a joke and just to own the libs bro

— Excessive flatulence causing chronic nose scrunch and Resting Dumbfuck Face

— Actually not that masculine

— Fantastic shuffleboard player

— Never learned to ride a bike, throw a ball or hug a human

— Will fight over criticisms of Abba or suggestions slavery was bad

Wow. And to think we just thought he was a massively racist homophobic woman-hating America-hating self-hating piece of weasel shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This really just says it all, don’t it?

Note three: A jury was seated yesterday in E. Jean Carroll’s defamation trial against Donald Trump. Sending love and support to E. Jean and those jurors. More: HuffPost

Note four: Nikki Haley gave a speech about abortion yesterday and when it was over literally no one knew where she stood on abortion. Her campaign is going great. Also, we’re linking to Politico again because they’re the only ones who wrote it right. Yeah we’re shocked too. More: Politico

Note five: There was a hilarious moment yesterday where Elon and a bunch of people-who’ve-gone-so-far-left-they-went-right folks were trying to shame the incumbent president of the United States for not having primary debates and then two seconds later Trump put out a statement refusing to debate. More: USA Today

Note six: We stand with Zooey.

Note seven: Hey so obviously we were Hillary people but 2016 was a long time ago and we’d like to thank Sen. Sanders for endorsing President Biden yesterday. Is it possible our party is really in array? Don’t answer that. More: AP

Note eight: Good news, everybody! The College Board, which played footsie with fascists and then lied about it, is going to rework its AP African American Studies Course. So maybe we’re being dense here but isn’t that the bare fucking minimum they can do? More: AP

Note nine: Nate Silver is out at 538. It’s increasingly looking like it’s going to fall to TBS to handle all the news in the country, and we are totally fine with that. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 10: Here it is. The leader of the Proud Boys says Trump is to blame for Jan. 6. This is the only time we’re ever gonna say this, but we agree with the leader of the Proud Boys. More: Independent

Note 11: We didn’t think it was possible, but Ted Cruz is even more of a treasonous fuckface than we thought…

Note 12: Oh no big deal just a fucking lunatic wanting to firebomb a church to stop a drag show. What a totally normal thing to happen in 2023. More: CBS

Note 13: We really have to hand it to Joe Manchin. Dude works his ass off to find new ways to be a fucking dick. His latest? If he doesn’t get a bunch of anti-climate shit then he’ll be in favor of repealing the IRA which HE ONLY WORKED ON FOR A FUCKING YEAR. Fuck you, Manchin. More: HuffPost

Note 14: House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries is reportedly leading a new effort to get New York Democrats to stop fucking things up for the rest of us. Good luck, sir. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Yes of course we’re gonna see the Barbie movie when it comes out. Did you even have to ask?

Note 16: Happy birthday! We’re tugging on our earlobe.

Note 17: Reuters is reporting Peter Thiel is going to stay out of the next election because he’s mad at Republicans over culture wars. And if you’re stupid enough to believe that shit, then you can apparently work at Reuters. More: Reuters

Note 18: Do you ever wonder if those people who sank their Trump boats got their boats off the bottom of that lake? And if so, do you think they’ve already sunk them again or likely will next year?

Note 19: We want to thank journalist Wesley Lowery for laying out what is killing political journalism and what desperately needs to change. We’re just gonna assume the people who needed to read this the most did not. More: CJR

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s get to the news. We do want to give y’all a heads up that TBS will be off on Friday and Monday. We always hate doing that, but we can also always tell when we need to hit the ol’ recharge button. So we’ll see y’all tomorrow and then back here on Tuesday. If you need some extra cussing in your life before then, just shoot us a note. Love y’all!

Ouch, Dick

As we’ve now found out some super shitty and shady stuff about three SCOTUS justices (Kavanaugh, Thomas, Gorsuch), the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee has done nothing about it except issue some press releases and request Chief Justice John Roberts come testify. Well yesterday Roberts told Durbin to eat shit, and we are frankly out of patience. Between the boundless SCOTUS corruption and the blue slip bullshit, Durbin just isn’t getting it done. And we have no idea what to do about it except threaten Dick with a primary challenge that would probably waste a bunch of money and still lose. So for now we’re just gonna cuss him out on twitter and hope it magically makes him grow a goddamn spine and some self-respect.

More: CNN

Thank you for your service

Despite many noble Democratic attempts to stop him, Republican Sen. Tommy Tuberbille continues to play games with the military until he can force his radical anti-choice agenda on every single enlisted member. Tuberville, who never served and sucked as a football coach almost as much as he sucks as person, is blocking more than 180 military promotions over Pentagon abortion policy. Not content to be a woman-hating dipshit, Tuberville is now saying the problem is there are just too many officers in the military. HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE KNOW? Do us a favor and try to imagine what the coverage would look like if a Democrat was doing this.

More: USA Today

Oh Kevin

So despite all those promises to get back to regular order and not do business in the middle of the night, Kevin McCarthy and House Republicans did just that last night, adding Matt Gaetz’s expedited work requirement rules for Medicaid about 2:20 am. Apparently McCarthy got a standing ovation from his caucus this morning when he called for passing the bill to jam the Senate and the White House. The really bad news is we could be looking at default as soon as early June. And still the shittiest press corps in the world keeps both-sidesing this bullshit. Maybe one day they’ll ask the Republicans in districts that Biden won why they keep voting with Marjorie Taylor fucking Greene.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Chinese leader Xi Jinping called Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, over a month after Xi's summit in Moscow with Russia's leader Vladimir Putin. More: NPR

House Republicans are using the debt ceiling standoff to advocate for one of their longstanding goals – requiring more low-income Americans to work in order to receive government benefits, particularly food stamps and Medicaid. More: CNN

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