4.25.24 Help is on the way!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Today it’s using some to talk about that motherfucker Sam Alito.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we know we don’t have to tell you this. We know it ain’t breaking news. We know it’s the most obvious shit in the world. But we still need to say it — our Supreme Court is a broken corrupt goddamn mess.

So these motherfuckers are basically serial killers right? Just with more ambition than we usually see with psychos like that? Like if we had to bet our last penny on it, we would say Sam Alito has probably murdered at least five women personally and might still have a couple locked up in his basement. Sorry. We’re trying to make jokes because it’s just so fucking horrifying. So here’s a conversation between Sam Alito and a fetus…

We’re siding with the fetus on this one. Y’all have a blessed day. Except Sam Alito. That evil sonofabitch can eat all the shit. More: MSNBC

Note two: Goddamnit. Goddamnit. Goddamnit. A New York court overturned Harvey Weinstein’s conviction. Fortunately he got convicted in California too. More: NBC

Note three: Trump is back in court today. This morning he said he thinks he has a good chance of winning New York. Sure, bro. More: CNN

Note four: We have some sad news. The right-wing Trump-smooching garbage news outlet The Gateway Pundit has filed for bankruptcy. Oh wait. That’s actually great news! More: CNN

Note five: We hate being this right. We’ve said for a long time the NYT was out to get Biden. Turns out we were right.

Note six: The “Where’s Melania?” question is so fucking funny. More: Salon

Note seven: MAGA Mike Johnson went to Columbia yesterday to make a bad situation worse. He was booed. More: ABC

Note eight: We are downright fucking giddy to talk about that Arizona news.

Note nine: Yesterday the Biden campaign put out a statement on Trump’s campaign events for the day. The statement? “He had none.” That was it. That was the whole thing. And we love it.

Note 10: Congratulations to Bill Barr on all the humiliation.

Note 11: So the Arizona House voted to overturn the 1864 abortion law yesterday. Three Republicans crossed the aisle to make it happen. One of them immediately lost his committee assignment. Now we wait and see what year the state Senate thinks it is. More: ABC

Note 12: Wut? Secret Service agents got in a fight with each other right before the VP got there? That agency is a fucking mess. More: Washington Examiner

Note 13: We’re seeing what’s happening on college campuses and we just want to remind everyone that we’re talking about kids here. They should be safe, and they should be able to speak. More: LA Mag

Note 14: Steve Bannon might be a corrupt piece of shit. More: Mother Jones

Note 15: We know we’re a broken record on this but goddamn it’s going to be so freaking funny if RFK swings this election to Biden.

Note 16: RIP to ex-Rep. Donald Payne. A good man. More: LA Mag

Note 17: A few reminders — Joe Biden is not on trial today, Peter Navarro is still in prison and Henry Kissinger is still dead.

Note 18: Things have been so busy lately we haven’t even asked y’all if you’ve seen any good movies.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to go to savage Dark Brandon. He’s dropping zingers left and right these days and we are really digging it.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We love y’all. But we seriously hate Sam Alito. Fuck that guy.

Help is on the way!

Joe Biden signed the Ukraine aid bill yesterday and announced that a military package was on the way. We talked about this in the opening note yesterday, but this is HUGE and we are so damn happy to see it. He also signed the anti-TikTok bill and we’re not so sure that was a good idea. So we’re just gonna focus on the Ukraine stuff.

More: CNN

What are we doing here?

While we’ve been writing this morning, the Supreme Court has been hearing from a lawyer who is actually arguing that Trump should be able to assassinate a political rival and have total immunity. Seriously. He really said that. Yeah, today is the day SCOTUS finally heard arguments in Trump’s bullshit total immunity case. It doesn’t seem to be going great for Trump so far, but what he really wanted was a delay and these assholes have already given him that.

More: CNN

‘Zona!

So the people who attempted a coup against the United States might have thought things were as bad as they were gonna get. They were wrong. Yesterday an Arizona grand jury indicted Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows, the fake electors and a bunch of other Trump allies and named Trump as an unindicted co-conspirator. Something similar happened in Michigan. We fucking love this. We just don’t understand why it took so dang long. BRING ON THE ACCOUNTABILITY!

More: Politico

Today’s clips

On Wednesday, the Republican-dominated Missouri House of Representatives approved House Bill 2634, a bill to remove Planned Parenthood clinics from Medicaid rolls, therefore making it illegal for clinics to receive state reimbursements for low-income patients. More: Heartland Signal

The Biden administration rolled out its plan Thursday to overhaul the United States’ aging patchwork of fossil-fueled electrical grids, finishing work on a suite of regulations designed to rein in rising utility bills and stem worsening blackouts while cutting planet-heating pollution from power plants. More: HuffPost