4.25.23 What McCarthy wants to do to America

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But there are worse things it could do. Like get fired from Fox for being a racist asshead.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the flowers are blooming, birds are singing and bad shit is happening to bad people. It’s got us skipping down the cobblestone singing tra–la-la-la-la-fucking-la. We’re not even mad that we hit “send” on TBS yesterday just a split second before we found out that Rupert hit send on Tucker Carlson’s sorry spoiled rotten racist ass.

Because it gave us time to do some important research.

Did you know that a blue whale can shit about 200 liters of shit when it shits? That’s about 53 gallons of shit. According to the Australian Broadcasting Company, it has the consistency of breadcrumbs and smells like dog shit and Ted Cruz. It also goes by the name Darren. Yes, Darren the blue whale shit. And we have today an interview with Darren the blue whale shit…

TBS: Hi Darren! Thanks for joining us.

Darren the blue whale shit: The pleasure is all mine guys. Big fan of the newsletter.

TBS: Aww, thanks man! So what’s it like being the biggest piece of shit on the planet?

Darren: I think you have me confused with a racist asshole who just got fired from Fox.

TBS: ZING!

(Adam and Sam and a giant pile of blue whale shit face the audience and take a group bow.)

Note two: Was that a long set up for a joke just to call Tucker Carlson the biggest piece of shit in the world? Yes, it was. We regret nothing. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Note three: Btw, here’s a link if you’d like to learn more about blue whales shitting. This is such a fucked up newsletter. We’re just so giddy about this Tucker stuff.

Note four: A former president and the frontrunner for the Republican nomination’s rape trial starts today. We’re sending love to E. Jean and the others who are testifying. More: AP

Note five: Tough news this morning as America lost a giant both in entertainment and in the relentless war for civil rights. RIP…

Note six: So y’all know it kills us to link to Politico because they are a scummy publication that does a lot of scummy shit. But they have a hot one about Neil Gorsuch selling his real estate property to a firm that had cases in front of the court, and so we got over ourselves long enough to link to it. More: Politico

Note seven: This one too. DeSantis’s surgeon general was personally altering data so he could claim COVID vaccines are bad. Seems like a massive fucking scandal to us. More: Politico

Note eight: Ok no more linking to Politico for at least a month. Filthy sonsofbitches.

Note nine: Holy shit Pennsylvania lawmakers might actually fix the slow vote counting mess that they caused in the first place. What a crazy idea. More: Votebeat PA

Note 10: Well look who was at the White House yesterday. Hint — it wasn’t the racist shitbrained speaker of the Tennessee house.

Note 11: Arizona hates Kyrsten Sinema. They hate that she switched parties. And we’re not as worried about ticket-splitting as we thought we’d be. Go Reuben! More: Jezebel

Note 12: Delaware just legalized recreational weed, so Delaware just got a lot cooler. More: CBS

Note 13: Poor Elon. Everyone hates him and now his big starship is grounded because he blew up the launchpad and blew a bunch of shit all over the surrounding areas. Maybe he should spend less time kissing Catturd’s ass. More: CNBC

Note 14: What Republicans in Montana have done to state Rep. Zooey Zephyr is appalling. It looks like the people of Montana think so too. More: CBS

Note 15: Now this is just good television…

Note 16: The chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee endorsed Trump yesterday. So the GOP Senate is all in on the Jan. 6er whose rape trial starts today. Gross. More: AP

Note 17: North Dakota just signed a six-week abortion ban with no exceptions for rape or incest. Guess these cruel dumbfucks haven’t learned to stop pissing us off yet. More: AP

Note 18: As a couple of Star Wars nerds, we just love this…

Note 19: Tucker Carlson is still fired.

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news. We hope your week is off to a great start. But let’s be honest — Tucker getting fired was a great start to the week for all of us. Have a great day!

Let’s go, Fani!

Fulton County DA Fani Willis informed law enforcement yesterday that if she does indict someone, it would cause a big to-do and also be between July 11 and Sept. 1. So yeah Trump is probably gonna have a pretty shitty summer. Why is this taking so long? We have no idea. But we have faith in Fani.

More: CBS

Fuck you, Kevin

So Moody’s did an analysis of what Kevin McCarthy and House Republicans’ debt ceiling bullshit would do to the economy and it ain’t good. Moody’s found that McCarthy’s proposal would increase the likelihood of a recession and cost us about 780,000 jobs. Seems like they should maybe face some tough questions over that.

More: Barrons

Dark Brandon rises again

Welp it’s official — Joe and Kamala are running it back, and we are on board. But y’all knew that since we endorsed the dynamic duo yesterday. So today we’re just gonna link to their announcement video and say let’s do this shit…

Today’s clips

Don Lemon says he's been fired from his post at CNN's "CNN This Morning," which he co-anchored with Kaitlan Collins and Poppy Harlow for about six months. More: USA Today

Fort Lee in Virginia will be officially renamed Fort Gregg-Adams on Thursday after two Black officers who made significant contributions to the U.S. Army. More: NBC

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