4.24.24 Florida, man

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a certain orange asshole on trial in New York.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we don’t know if a jury will find Trump guilty but we sure do. Guilty of being fucking hilarious. And all the crimes and stuff. Yeah between the farting and the sleeping and the flailing, it’s everything we hoped it would be and more. But we figured we’d do something a little different today and use our cuss words about something good. Something really fucking good.

Woohoo! Suck it, Putin! There has been a lot of shit that has happened in the last decade that has really embarrassed the living hell out of us as Americans. But having Ukraine’s back sure as shit ain’t one of them. Even before “Russia warship, go fuck yourself,” we admired the bravery and independent spirt of the Ukrainian people. Mostly because Adam is Ukrainian and he’s awesome but also because we love freedom and democracy and we know Putin does not.

Of course it sucks that we had to wait six months and beat back compromised American politicians to do the whole America thing and get Ukraine’s back, but later is definitely better than never. Now go kick some Russian ass, Ukraine. And we’ll do the same here in November. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We have very sad news. George Santos is withdrawing from his congressional comeback campaign. Yeah, we had no idea he was running either. More: LA Mag

Note three: The Pecker stuff (lol) from yesterday’s trial was jaw-dropping. He helped Trump make up all that messed up shit about Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio AND BOTH THOSE GUYS STILL KISS HIS ASS!!! More: NBC San Diego

Note four: Mitch McConnell is very unhappy Ukraine aid is delayed. Then maybe Moscow Mitch should have stood up to his own fucking party instead of hiding in his shell. More: NBC

Note five: Y’all, don’t ever get dunked on by Mittens Romney. And if you do, it’s time to pack up and go home.

Note six: Kari Lake has flip-flopped on abortion again. Now she’s upset the 1864 law isn’t being enforced. It’s ok, Kari. We know. More: NBC

Note seven: Thanks to Bolts Mag for looking at the 15 prosecutor races in Arizona to see who will and who won’t enforce that fucked up ban. More: Bolts Mag

Note eight: DOJ reached a $139 million settlement with Larry Nassar’s victims. Goddamn the FBI is hard to defend sometimes. More: CNN

Note nine: Trump had a hearing on whether he violated the gag order. It didn’t go great for him. More: NBC

Note 10: Where do Republicans find these fucking idiots and why do they keep trying to put them in the U.S. fucking Senate?

Note 11: Elon Musk had a very very bad day. Yay! More: HuffPost

Note 12: Nope. Fuck off, bird flu. We don’t want any. More: Politico

Note 13: Looking at Pennsylvania primary results from last night. Nikki Haley continues to take a pretty big chunk of votes from Trump and she moved to Uranus two months ago. More: Axios

Note 14: FBI Director Chris Wray says the Jan. 6 terrorists aren’t hostages. If the whole FBI director thing doesn’t work out he can try out for Captain Obvious. More: NBC

Note 15: Goddamn these dirty motherfuckers…

Note 16: Big congrats to Rep. Summer Lee on winning her primary last night. More: NBC

Note 17: James Comer wanted to impeach Joe Biden. Unfortunately for Comer, he is a loser. More: CNN

Note 18: The FTC is trying to get rid of noncompete agreements. It’s nice when the government gives a shit about working people. More: CNBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to introduce you to a new honorary TBSer who did some cussing after announcing that the Building Trades Union is endorsing Joe Biden.

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. At least a better one than Putin and his American buttlicks are. Love y’all!

Florida, man

Dark Brandon is not fucking around. Yesterday the president went to Florida to tell them that the six-week abortion ban coming in the state is Donald Trump’s fault. And he’s right. Biden has been bringing the heat on this issue, and we’re glad to see him doing it in Florida where a ballot initiative to protect abortion rights might just open a door to de-crazifying the state. While in Florida, Biden said the state is “in play.” Keep going, Joe. Make sure everyone knows who did this shit.

More: HuffPost

Morons

Tennessee Republicans never stop doing horrible stuff. We just take breaks from talking about it. The most recent disgrace came yesterday when the statehouse voted to approve a measure that lets teachers and school staff to carry guns at school. The best part? They don’t have to tell parents they’re packing. Can you fucking imagine?

More: NBC

Yes please

The Secret Service has held meetings to discuss how to protect Trump if he’s put in jail for contempt. With Trump pushing Judge Merchan to lock his orange ass up, this might be smart planning. According to ABC News, there have not yet been discussions about how to protect Trump if he’s found guilty at trial and sentenced to prison. Start planning!

More: LA Mag

Today’s clips

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have become key players in the early planning for a second Trump administration's transition team, and would focus on vetting potential officials and staffers for ideology and loyalty, campaign aides and close allies to their father tell Axios. More: Axios

President Joe Biden will soon appoint Lise Grande, the current head of the government-funded United States Institute of Peace (USIP), as his new czar for humanitarian aid for Gaza, according to a USIP employee informed of her plans on Tuesday and a source familiar with the appointment. More: HuffPost

Congress has just sent a bill to President Joe Biden’s desk that would ban the popular video-sharing app TikTok unless it divests from its Chinese parent company. More: HuffPost