4.24.23 A Special TBS Endorsement

Be advised: This newsletter uses an outrageous amount of profanity. To be precise, there are seven-and-a-half shitloads and three fuck-tons of cussing in today’s edition.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We hope you had a great weekend and rested up because shit is already getting crazy today. The week is just a few hours old and we’re already seeing some big news in the Republican presidential primary as Ron DeSantis broke this morning…

It got worse. Right after the video ends, his head actually flew off his weird body, sprouted little rockets like some kind of loser asshole Ironman and then flew across the world and right back up Trump’s ass where it belongs.

It’s pretty hilarious watching Trump break Republicans. Or it would be if he didn’t also break the world. We were hoping for a long drawn out Republican primary but DeSantis is like a week away from visible urine stains, public sobbing and only wearing a bathrobe. Karma, motherfucker. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This week means closing arguments in the Proud Boys trial. Yes, we all should have done a better job of tracking the trial of the scum who conspired to overthrow our government but there’s just so much scum! More: AP

Note three: Oh and btw, LOCK THEM THE FUCK UP!

Note four: E. Jean Carroll’s defamation trial against Trump is supposed to get underway tomorrow. Is it possible it’s really happening after all this time? Our endless thanks to E. Jean for not letting that fucker get away with it. More: Guardian

Note five: LOL. Things are going great on twitter since Elon wrecked the blue checks…

Note six: CBS did another sympathetic story about racist white women. We’re beginning to get the picture. CBS either doesn’t know any Black parents or just doesn’t care about them. So fuck CBS. NO LINK

Note seven: Are y’all watching Ted Lasso this season? It is sooooo freaking good.

Note eight: We’re gonna talk a bit more about this, but we wanted to say congratulations to Julie Chavez Rodriguez, who has been picked to run Joe Biden’s re-election campaign. Julie is already a senior adviser to the president, and she’s also Caesar Chavez’s granddaughter. More: AP

Note nine: The gutless fucking cowards at Bud Light fired their marketing team because they’re afraid of bigots. We’re not so stupid that we’re going to buy a bunch of beer and shoot at it, but we’re also not so stupid that we would keep buying anything from this brand. Fuck Bud Light. More: WSJ

Note 10: The lunatics on the right are calling for Lizzo to be arrested for this. We want to give her a medal.

Note 11: Btw, why is DeSantis in Japan? Where were all the stories about his being MIA while his state was underwater? Is the press really afraid of Bobblehead buttbreath?

Note 12: You know how the media likes to treat abortion like it’s a 50-50 issue? Well it ain’t. NBC this weekend had support for abortion to be legal at 58 percent. More: NBC

Note 13: Republicans are trying to pass their debt ceiling bill this week and they’re getting a pass from the beltway crowd on not exempting veterans’ benefits. So these fuckers are trying to cut spending for veterans. Seems like stupid politics to us. More: AP

Note 14: The piece of shit murderer cop who killed Breonna Taylor already has another job. As a cop. What a fucked up country. More: NBC

Note 15: This is so good. Maybe someone at 60 Minutes could find it in their heart to talk to this guy…

Note 16: In Florida, it’s legal to shoot at Instacart drivers apparently. More: NBC

Note 17: CNN wrote a story yesterday about how House Republicans are no longer going after abortion and then like two seconds later Marjorie tweeted out a call for a national ban. Maybe CNN should stop being so gullible.

Note 18: It was especially gross watching Lindsey Graham lose his shit yesterday after Dana Bash offered minimal pushback to Linsdey’s hysterics. But if Lindsey wants to defend his national abortion ban by going on national television and yelling at women, who are we to argue? More: CNN

Note 19: And since we try to end on a happy note, the Tennessee Three are at the White House today to talk about ending gun violence with President Biden. It’s nice to have a White House that invited them for a talk instead of tear-gassing them. More: ABC

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news and then kick this Monday’s ass. And if you’re having a bad day, just remember that it could be so much worse. You could be Ron DeSantis. Love y’all!

Phew

Late on Friday, the Supreme Court issued a stay on the idiot Texas judge’s order making the abortion pill illegal. With two judges dissenting — Thomas and Alito — the rest of the court said the medication should stay legal while the appeals work their way through the system. True to form, Alito made a fool of himself in his unhinged and embarrassingly political dissent. That guy really fucking sucks.

More: CNBC

Come on, Dick

Y’all know we don’t like Dick Durbin. We’ve always found him to be a pathetic weakling who is easily rolled by Lindsey Graham. And Dick seems determined to prove us right. Over the weekend we learned that Durbin didn’t ask Clarence Thomas to appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee because he thought Clarence would say no. Well gee, thanks for trying, Dick. Then we learned he hasn’t even spoken to Sen. Feinstein. We warned from the beginning that Durbin was the wrong person to lead Judiciary and now we’re all stuck with him.

More: NBC

The TBS Hot Ass Motherfucking Endorsement

This week Joe Biden is going to announce he is running for re-election, and we would like to go ahead and announce that he has earned the TBS Hot Ass Motherfucking Endorsement! Woohoo! Considering this man brought us back from a pandemic and Trumpland, we are proud to back him for a second term. There is one caveat — this endorsement is for Dark Brandon, someone who fights for what’s right, and Joey Jobs, someone who has created more jobs than any other president. This is not an endorsement of the guy who greenlit the Willow Project and always says nice shit about Mitch McConnell. Sorry if this is confusing.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Former Vice President Mike Pence promised to “tell the truth” when he testifies before a federal grand jury probing the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection. More: HuffPost

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