4.23.24 Gagged?

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it has a working nose and has to sit next to Trump.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we have a few simple rules in life. The first is keep all kids far away from Matt Gaetz. The second is keep all drugs away from Matt Gaetz. And the third is don’t ever vote for some asshole if his own family hates him. We call it the Paul Gosar Rule, and we think it applies to a certain orange shithead…

LOL! Now there could be a few different reasons the Trump family isn’t attending. Some of them are probably worried about being arrested themselves, some of them are too dumb to find the courthouse and some of them are probably worried about all the farting. But we suspect they’re not going because they know what a guilty piece of human garbage Trump is.

Between this and the Kennedys calling out their twisted scumbag relative RFK Jr., this might be an election where Joe Biden is the only candidate with a family* who doesn’t hate his guts. Probably because he’s not the fucking worst like Bobby and Donnie. So yeah, vote for the guy whose family actually loves him and not the candidates whose families think they suck butt. Y’all have a blessed day.

*We don’t count Don Jr. and Eric. Like ever.

Note two: If you live in Pennsylvania, go vote today!

Note three: A very sad and angry man is back in court today. And it ain’t Joe Biden. More: HuffPost

Note four: Speaking of Biden, check out this answer he gave Jordy Meiselas about Lauren Boebert. Dark Brandon is pretty damn funny. More: HuffPost

Note five: Happy anniversary to the stupidest fucking thing a president has ever ever ever said!

Note six: It is so dang funny watching Republicans realize that RFK Jr. might take some of the crazy asshole vote. More: Politico

Note seven: Oh look. Another Trump fan who assaulted the police is going to prison. And he wants to pardon this scum. More: NBC

Note eight: Thank you to Michael Douglas for being awesome. We haven’t seen him as Benjamin Franklin yet, but we’ve heard good things. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Remember Ron DeSantis? We don’t either. But he has some really shitty approval ratings. Probably because he sucks. More: WFLA

Note 10: Dark Brandon ain’t here for the bullshit.

Note 11: Colorado has banned fake electors. They tried to ban an insurrectionist asshole too, but the Supreme Court wouldn’t let them. More: CPR

Note 12: We don’t know who the reporter is who shouted “Where’s Melania?” yesterday, but we sure do think it’s funny.

Note 13: A Colorado election worker hid her pregnancy because she didn’t want her unborn child harassed. How fucked up is that?! More: Guardian

Note 14: We love Pearl Jam. We especially love that they have a new song called “Wreckage” that is about how fucking awful Trump is. More: Variety

Note 15: It’s true that we can’t stop giggling.

Note 16: The Supreme Court said Kari Lake is a loser. Ok fine so they didn’t use those exact words. More: The Hill

Note 17: Elon Musk is having a hard time. We really love to see it. More: Axios

Note 18: Trump’s aide was told he’d get a pardon if he lied to the FBI. Seriously when is this fucker going to jail? More: HuffPost

Note 19: Today’s Happy Ending is from Minnesota. The guv appointed two women to the state Supreme Court giving the court a female majority. So Minnesota just got a lot smarter. More: Star Tribune

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome day today and that your family doesn’t hate your guts. And if they do, please know that we don’t. Love y’all!

Scary SCOTUS

The Supreme Court is taking up some scary shit again. Now they’re going to decide if Joe Biden can legally regulate ghost guns. OF COURSE HE CAN LEGALLY REGULATE GHOST GUNS! Why does it feel like this court wants a lot of us to die? This isn’t the slam dunk for psychos we might be worried it is, but we still think we’re right to worry.

More: Politico

Flip-flop

A few years ago Trump signed an executive order that would ban TikTok. Now he’s attacking Joe Biden for getting ready to sign a similar ban. Trump changed his tune when his billionaire buddy bought a big share of the social media company and when he realized he could peel some younger voters off of Biden. And to be honest, we don’t really understand why Biden is playing with fire like this. If we’re worried about foreign influence in the media, can we start with the Australian nazi who bought Fox News?

More: Mediaite

Gagged?

As we type this morning, lawyers are arguing that Trump violated his gag order, which he very obviously did and continues to do. Even yesterday, Trump was attacking the jury that has just been seated in his election interference trial. The evidence of what Trump is doing is pretty clear. The only thing we don’t know is if a judge will finally fucking do something about it.

More: Politico

Today’s clips

Walt Nauta, one of former President Donald Trump’s co-defendants in his classified documents case, was allegedly told he would receive a pardon even if he was charged with lying to the FBI, according to newly unsealed court documents. More: HuffPost

Morehouse College is set to announce that President Joe Biden will deliver its commencement address on May 19, but some faculty members have raised concerns about the decision, according to two people familiar with the matter and an email to faculty members reviewed by NBC News. More: NBC

The medical records of women will be shielded from criminal investigations if they cross state lines to seek an abortion where it is legal, under a new rule that the Biden administration finalized Monday. More: NBC