4.2.24 Florida, man

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it was dumb enough to invest in something Trump owns like some kind of goddamn moron.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Feel like laughing today? Or crying? Or throwing up from crying and laughing at the same time? Well we’ve got you today. Because the shit-for-brains human garbage formally known as Roseanne Barr is threatening America. And we cried laughing before we threw up after thinking about just how fucking stupid everything is in this country these days…

LOL. Pretty scary shit, right? But also really hilarious and hard to take seriously? Well that’s Trumpism in a nutshell. It’s comically stupid and deadly as hell. The temptation to piss yourself laughing is overwhelming when you hear that Kevin Sorbo is threatening you (we’ll give you a second to google Kevin Sorbo) but also some lunatic asshole is threatening you so you should probably be concerned.

It’s like being murdered by an illiterate clown who hasn’t been able to get a clowning gig for 30 years. You’re pointing and laughing and mocking but you still die a violent ugly death. We’re calling it the Baio Paradox.

Still, we just can’t bring ourselves to be afraid of Roseanne. Or even Sorbo. We would however be afraid to stand next to them. They do not look like someone who smells good. Watch out for them killer clowns, y’all, and please have a blessed day. More: RawStory

Note two: It’s an Election Day in several states, including Wisconsin. Are you voting?

Note three: Trump managed to pay his bond yesterday with some help from a real scummy dude. Can you believe this guy is running for president? More: NBC

Note four: The orange menace was also further gagged from attacking the judge’s daughter in his hush money case. Seriously, how the fuck is this guy running for president?! More: CNN

Note five: Team Biden had a press conference with some cops yesterday. They don’t think Trump backs the blue. We agree.

Note six: If you’re dropping bombs on Chef Andes’s World Central Kitchen then you are losing. Those people are angels. And now seven of them are dead. Bibi needs to resign. Today. More: Axios

Note seven: Holy shit this is the dumbest fucking thing you’ll read today. We hope. A group of House Republicans want to rename Dulles airport after Trump. We think they should rename the blue poop water in airplane bathrooms after him. More: Axios

Note eight: We’ve all known for a while that RFK Jr. is a goddamn lunatic. But he’s also a goddamn idiot. More: LA Mag

Note nine: Congratulations to California’s fast food workers who now enjoy a $20 minimum wage! More: LA Mag

Note 10: We don’t like to use tweets on here anymore, but we wanted y’all to see this one…

Note 11: Did anyone else watching some women’s basketball last night? LSU vs. Iowa totally lived up to the hype and so did Caitlin Clark. Wow. Congrats to the Final Four teams and their fans. More: ESPN

Note 12: And because this is America, there was also a dark side to the night as we learned about the evil and hate LSU star Angel Reese has had to endure since winning a national championship last year. More: CNN

Note 13: Congrats to Ruben Gallego’s Senate campaign on raising $7.5 million last quarter. He’s raised a total of $20 million and has the added benefit of Kyrsten Sinema not running and Kari Lake being crazier than a shithouse rat. More: The Hill

Note 14: Tesla ain’t doing so well. It’s almost like having a deranged bigot running things ain’t the smartest move. More: CNBC

Note 15: Dark Brandon is a pretty funny guy…

Note 16: We’ll just warn you right now that if we hit this powerball you’re never gonna hear from us ever again. Or at least we’d move to weekly. More: CNN

Note 17: Hunter Biden is going on trial. And he hasn’t threatened anyone over it. See how easy that is? More: Politico

Note 18: RIP to Lou Conter, the last survivor of the USS Arizona from Pearl Harbor. More: NBC

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and we can think of no happier note than when a Democrat protects women’s rights and families. And that’s exactly what Gov. Gretchen Whitmer and Michigan Democrats have done by protecting IVF and surrogates. Thanks, Guv! More: Michigan Advance

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And we sure hope Roseanne doesn’t get you. Can you imagine the cooties? Love y’all!

Yikes

We love it when Donald Trump loses money. And yesterday he lost a shitload of it. Why? Well it turns out his Truth Social is a money-losing joke and nobody should have ever invested in it. Yeah, we’re all shocked that the Trump Steaks of social media platforms isn’t actually worth billions of dollars. Congrats to the cult members who lost their shirts on this. Please take whatever you have left and help Trump pay his legal bills for being a rapist.

More: TPM

Thank you, Mr. President

Joe Biden is heading to Baltimore Friday to get a look at the recovery efforts at the fallen Francis Scott Key Bridge. While House Republicans are already playing games with paying for repairs to a critical port, Mitch McConnell seems to be on board with providing federal assistance as Biden has requested. And the Coast Guard is getting to work building an alternative channel.

More: CNN

Florida, man

This isn’t really a good news bad news situation. It’s more of a fucking horrible news with a silver lining situation. The fucking horrible news is that Florida’s Supreme Court is letting a six-week abortion ban go into effect in a few weeks. The good and surprising news is that they’re going to let Florida voters decide if abortion is constitutionally protected this November. They’re also letting the state decide on recreational marijuana. Sounds like Florida Republicans might be in trouble. Who’s ready to make these Taliban assholes lose some elections?

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Senate Republicans’ campaign arm, the National Republican Senatorial Committee, has presented its public opinion research on abortion to every campaign and Senate chief of staff. The party’s message: Define yourself on abortion, or Democrats will do it for you. More: HuffPost

One of the year’s most anticipated celestial events — a total solar eclipse— will put on a dramatic show April 8 as it crosses over Mexico, the United States and Canada. More: CNN