4.22.24 Lock them up

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Marjorie Taylor Greene at the end of Rocky IV (that’s the one where Rocky beats the Russian).

Note: Wow, Sexy Patriots! The TBS Cuss-a-tron 3000 is overloading and we’re wearing rubber pants! Because shit is crazy and nuts and hilariously stupid. We’ve been doubled over since our friend Ben Meiselas broke the news that Trump can’t stop blowing ass in court, and then we found out that the first witness today is a guy named Pecker. It’s like a TBS fucking holiday. Or it should be. But instead we felt the need to put on non-rubber pants, climb to the top of a mountain and scream at the top of our lungs about this fucked up shit…

Goddamnit, Matt Gaetz. You sick sonofabitch. You are ruining a brand new TBS holiday! So yeah, while we’d rather be making fun of Trump’s farts (we had a whole fake interview with the lawyer who has to sit next to him), we feel like it’s our duty to do this instead:

MATT GAETZ’S REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES KEEP SAYING HE HAD SEX WITH AN UNDERAGE GIRL AT A COKE PARTY AND THAT SHIT AIN’T OK AND IT AIN’T NORMAL AND WHY ISN’T THIS A BIGGER FUCKING STORY?!!!!!

Hopefully will get some answers or some accountability sooner than later. But in the meantime, let’s make fun of Trump’s farting. We heard even his toots are orange. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Be honest — how many of y’all chuckled at duty? Those of you with your hands raised should read the story about Trump’s gross gas. If you dare. More: LA Mag

Note three: So one of the funniest things we’ve read in forever are the stories about Trump having to sit in court and listen to the horrible and true shit people think about him. It almost feels like justice. Almost. We still want jail time. More: AP

Note four: We’re seeing what’s happening in New York City and we want to say this — college kids deserve to feel safe and college kids should be heard. More: The Hill

Note five: We’re not gonna be fooled by Republicans flip-flopping on abortion. Mostly because they’re too goddamn dumb to remember when to flip and when to flop.

Note six: Hey so this is from last week and doesn’t have anything to do with politics, but Sam interviewed Slash and he wants everyone to know about it. More: LA Mag

Note seven: The Marjorie Taylor Greene wing of the Republican Party is so mad you’d think we just elected a Black president. Instead we’re just helping Ukraine. These idiots are always angry, but this has been some next level shit and we have to say we’re enjoying every second of it. More: CNN

Note eight: The press spent the weekend wining that Biden talks to Jason Bateman but not them. Maybe if they’d made Teen Wolf and didn’t suck then Biden would talk to them too. It’s on Axios, but we’re not linking to it. We hope you understand.

Note nine: The Supreme Court is going to debate whether states can outlaw life-saving abortions. This should be a slam dunk, but SCOTUS really hates women. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Oh and they’re going to decide if it’s legal to be homeless. That’s not fucked up at all. More: HuffPost

Note 11: It’s gonna be so fucking funny if RFK spoils this election for Trump. But we still wish he’d just go the hell away.

Note 12: Democrats who investigated Trump are expecting to be arrested if he gets re-elected. What fucking country is this?! More: CBS

Note 13: HUGE news Friday in Chattanooga as Volkswagen workers voted to join UAW. Americans are organizing, y’all. This is what happens when you have the most union-friendly president in modern history. More: Politico

Note 14: Trump had to cancel a rally this weekend because god hates him. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We really love us some John Legend.

Note 16: So what did we think of the new Taylor Swift? Or the new Pearl Jam?

Note 17: Liz Cheney has an op-ed in the New York Times today calling for SCOTUS to quit fucking around and rule on Trump’s bullshit immunity claims. We hate how much we agree with Liz Cheney these days. More: NY Times

Note 18: Apparently Melania still exists. We don’t care, do u? More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re talking Earth Day. Joe Biden is announcing a bunch of cool stuff to try and save the planet. Donald Trump talks about having beach-front property in Nevada. They are not the same. More: AP

Lock them up

Guess who’s back? Apparently not all the Proud Boys are in jail so they went back to marching on Donald Trump’s behalf. Why yes it should be a bigger story that the terrorist scum who attacked our Capitol are back to voicing their support for a major presidential candidate. Fortunately, the Biden-Harris campaign isn’t letting this shit slide and they put out a statement blasting “Donald Trump’s America: where white nationalists and violent far-right extremists are empowered and working families are left behind.”

More: Washington Post

Let’s fucking go!

We don’t understand it and we frankly don’t care. But MAGA Mike Johnson finally got with Team America and allowed a vote on aid for Ukraine. Democrats did all the heavy lifting, but it got done. There is also aid for Israel and Taiwan, and the legislation says we can start selling the Russian shit we’ve seized. We love seeing Democrats waving the Ukrainian flag on the House floor almost as much as we loved seeing how angry it made Republicans. Now let’s kick some Russian ass!

More: Guardian

Y’all ready?

It’s on! Trump is on trial. Like a real criminal trial. And he’s been farting and sleeping through it so far. But today shit got real. Today we’re getting into it. So get ready for him to totally lose his shit. He’s already spent the morning complaining and testing the limits of his gag order outside the courtroom. But now he’s seated and things are underway and we’re getting opening arguments today. We hear Trump’s opening argument sounds suspiciously like a whoopee cushion.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem declined to say whether she believes laws restricting abortion should include exceptions for victims of rape or incest, after she was repeatedly asked about her views during a CNN interview Sunday. More: Politico

The New York Post mocked up an image of far-right Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) in a Russian fur cap following her failed bid to stop the House from approving a foreign aid package to Ukraine. More: HuffPost