4.21.23 Elarious

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity and most eating utensils without hurting itself.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We did it! We cracked the code of why Republicans do such endlessly stupid and hateful shit every goddamn day. It turns out they have really really really shitty polling…

Hahahahahahahaha. How fucking clueless can you be? Yes, American women are totally cool with it when Republicans explain that they only want to take away MOST of their basic human rights and bodily autonomy. This got us wondering what other idiotic polling Republicans must be looking at and then we found the motherlode of internal GOP polls. Here are some of the more shocking findings…

78 percent of Americans think Josh Hawley is super masculine

92 percent of Americans want Republicans to be racist dicks

3 percent of Americans are worried about healthcare costs

107 percent of Americans want to change their names for Trump like Ronna did

257 percent of Americans think Putin is dreamy and really turns them on

84 percent of Americans think George Washington would’ve smeared his shit on the Capitol

90 percent of Americans have sex dreams about the QAnon shaman

4 percent of Americans care about kids being shot

Wow. So yeah they’re only like this because of the worst polling in history. Or they’re soulless monsters. Either way, let’s keep making them eat this shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Buzzfeed News died yesterday. Some rich assholes killed it and some not rich assholes are paying for it. This is the (American) way. More: NBC

Note three: We’d like to send a special TBS Fuck You to the Montana Republicans who love American and the First Amendment so much they’ve just decided to stop a trans lawmaker from talking for the rest of the session. Hey Montana Republicans, fuck you! More: AP

Note four: We lost our blue checks on twitter yesterday. We’ve never felt smarter.

Note five: Let’s check in on Tennessee Republicans. Surely they’ve learned their lesson and stopped being scumbags, right? Oh…

Note six: WSJ has a poll showing DeSantis cratering. And they basically had one of the few polls that showed him with a chance. We’ve really enjoyed watching that piece of shit flame out, but we sure have questions why Republican money people and DC reporters saw a man being a bigoted weirdo asshole and thought he should be president. More: WSJ

Note seven: The DSCC outraised the NRSC. So our Senate team is doing a better job than theirs. Let’s just hope our team doesn’t spend one fucking nickel on the senators who aren’t really Democrats. COULDN’T FIND A LINK

Note eight: Speaking of which, Manchin and Sinema are having trouble raising money from anyone who isn’t a rich corrupt piece of shit. It’s almost like no one likes them. More: WSJ

Note nine: Texas Republicans want to force schools to publicly display the Ten Commandments. We’re actually ok with this. Maybe the kids can hide behind the commandments when a shooter or a creepy Republican official comes lurking around. More: Texas Tribune

Note 10: This guy is leaving to spend more time with his family…, of rats who live in his head and tell him to be a crazy angry idiot.

Note 11: Larry Elder announced last night he is running for president and even his family was like “who the fuck is Larry Elder?” More: AP

Note 12: Yesterday Mike Pence reiterated that he’s calling for a national abortion ban and the Susan B. Anthony trash said they won’t back any candidate who won’t support a 15-week ban. Republicans really screwed themselves when they were screwing the rest of us. More: The Hill

Note 13: While we’re all waiting to see what the Supreme Court does about the abortion pill, we want to once again caution you about spreading any unconfirmed rumors about Sam Alito enjoying sex with dead animals while Clarence Thomas watches.

Note 14: The original abortion pill judge sure kept a lot of shit hidden when he was getting confirmed. But don’t buy Murkowski’s bullshit. She would’ve voted to confirm him regardless. More: CNN

Note 15: So this is the most adorable thing you’re gonna see today…

Note 16: Our favorite thing about DeSantis is that after he’s accepted that he’s a loser, he’s still got to go and take his ass whooping from Disney. More: CNBC

Note 17: How has it already been seven years since we lost Prince?

Note 18: Wait a minute. You’re telling us Ted Cruz is completely and totally full of shit?! More: HuffPost

Note 19: Happy birthday to Iggy Pop!

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s do some news and then do some weekend. Although according to Republican polling, negative 17 percent of Americans actually enjoy weekends. Maybe they’re wrong. Love y’all!

Elarious

That’s the word we invented yesterday when we could not stop laughing our asses off at dumbfuck genius Elon Musk’s no good very bad horrible day. First his giant rocket blew up, which we all know was totally supposed to happen. Then the whole world spent the day laughing at him as it was revealed he was personally paying for some celebrity blue checks after they told him to fuck off. To cap it all off, he lost about $13 billion yesterday because the price cuts for Tesla are adding up. Another interview with Tucker Carlson and a few more weeks of kissing Catturd’s ass should turn everything around though.

More: Guardian

Republicans hate kids

So thanks to a secret recording, we know Trump lawyer and coup plotter Cleta Mitchell gave a presentation to Republicans at their national conference in Nashville recently about how important it is for them to stop college kids from voting. She focused on five states that have big colleges and are swing states — Wisconsin, Virginia, Nevada, Georgia and Arizona. She also said if they win the Virginia state senate this year then they can get rid of all every voting. This is all insanely fucked up, right?

More: Vanity Fair

Let’s go, Brandon!!!

The news is out! Next week, Joe Biden aka Joey Jobs aka Dark Brandon aka BFD aka Joe Wick is going to make it official that he is running for re-election. Woohoo! Obviously it hasn’t all been smooth sailing, but he saved the economy after a once-in-a-century pandemic, he invested in our country and our people and he kicked that deranged orange fuck out of office. So let’s get fired up to give this man another four years in office. More: CNN

Today’s clips

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre called out the “violence and vitriol” directed at transgender Americans following conservative outrage over Bud Light’s partnership with trans TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney. More: HuffPost

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-N.Y.) slammed Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) as “totally out of control” and called out House Republicans for allowing her to represent them. More: HuffPost

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