4.19.24 Roe-vember

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a tortured poet with a really dirty mouth.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The weekend is nigh! And this weekend is 4/20 so we know what you sexy so-and-sos are up to. And we don’t blame you one bit. As far as we’re concerned, America started legalizing weed just in time for all of us to self-medicate to endure all the dumb crazy shit that keeps happening.

And if you do and you’re looking for a laugh, may we suggest this clip…

LOLOL!!!! Poor fucking baby is freezing! Why is that so funny to us? He’s definitely the type to complain about “shrinkage,” right? Well, Donnie D-bag, we’ve got some good news for ya. You won’t be cold forever, buddy. Because you know where it ain’t ever freezing?

Hell. Yeah, it’s plenty warm in Satan’s anus, Don. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: That was weird, right? Like we’re turning into one of those creepy Trump preachers? Well fuck that. Let us make it up to you with our podcast This Week’s Big Stuff. This week, we laugh so hard about Republicans eating shit on impeachment that we invented a new word — impoochment. Join us to find out what it means and in the process you can help this obscene newsletter stay alive. More: Patreon

Note three: Remember when everyone warned what would happen if Republicans overturned Roe? Well it’s happening. Emergency rooms in red states are turning away pregnant women, leaving at least one to miscarry in a fucking lobby bathroom. November can’t get here soon enough. More: AP

Note four: Wait. They called MAGA Mike Johnson “Tubby?” Are we missing something? Of all the shit to call that little dweeb, Tubby is what they came up with? They’re really not that bright, are they? More: Forbes

Note five: They’re really not hiding how much they’re going to hurt us all if Trump gets re-elected. We should probably take this seriously.

Note six: LOL. Tesla had to recall those fugly Cybertrucks. So they don’t work but at least they look like shit. Great work, Elon. More: CNN

Note seven: We’re seeing so many college kids getting arrested and demeaned these days. Is free speech only for white right-wing rich people? More: NBC

Note eight: We hate this so much. The Allman Brothers’ Dickey Betts died this week. Like Jimmy Carter, Sam is a huge Allmans fan and this one really sucks. More: LA Mag

Note nine: Late last night, Democrats once again bailed out Republicans and passed a rule that will allow for debates on the foreign aid bills. You’re welcome, world. More: CNN

Note 10: Between this and the new Pearl Jam album, we know how we’re spending our weekend.

Note 11: Here’s a crazy idea — maybe the mainstream media should stop trying to get the Trump jurors killed. More: CNN

Note 12: We’re conflicted on this one. On the one hand, Larry Summers says the economy would suffer under Trump. On the other hand, Summers is wrong about everything. This might be the one time we’re gonna go out on a limb and agree with him. More: Semafor

Note 13: The Indiana Attorney General, who attacked a doctor for helping a 10-year-old rape victim, wants women to disclose terminated pregnancy reports. Keep this creepy lunatic away from all women please. More: LPM

Note 14: File this under shocking but not surprising. ABC is reporting that a witness has told the Ethics Committee that Matt Gaetz was at a coke party where the teenager he allegedly raped was at. This is one of the leaders of the Republican Party, y’all. More: ABC

Note 15: This courthouse does not seem like the place where cool people hang out.

Note 16: The Manhattan DA’s office said yesterday that Trump violated his gag order another seven times. Well of course he did. The only question is what will the judge do about it. And the answer is likely not a goddamn thing. More: Axios

Note 17: We can’t stop laughing at this. Republican Wisconsin Senate candidate Eric Hovde keeps saying that people in nursing homes shouldn’t vote, and he’s totally stuck on it. He even put out a video about it yesterday saying that’s not what he meant. Pro tip — if you’re running for office, stop saying senior citizens shouldn’t be able to vote. More: Independent

Note 18: One of the people who pretends to care about protecting women’s sports says the WNBA “shouldn’t exist.” Maybe these soulless bigots are actually full of shit. More: Media Matters

Note 19: We were torn on today’s Happy Ending. One option was Tim McGraw wearing a possibly too tight Caitlin Clark jersey at his concert. But we decided to go with this instead — Peter Navarro just celebrated one month in jail. So raise a glass of toilet wine to toast that asshole.

(He tweeted something but we ain’t sharing it)

Note 20: And on that just and hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good week, and we already know you’re gonna have a great 4/20. Just don’t get arrested. We hear the courtrooms are freezing. Love y’all!

A mess

So House Republicans are falling apart because many of them work for Putin and they REALLY don’t want Ukraine aid to pass. But for reasons we don’t fully understand, MAGA Mike Johnson seems to understand the gravity of what will happen if we don’t help them out. We have no idea why this little dweeb came back from Mar-a-Lago and did the right thing, but we do know it might cost him his job. Oh well. We’re willing to make that sacrifice in order to stop Putin.

More: CBS

Roe-vember

Add Nevada to the list of states where abortion will be on the ballot this fall. The state Supreme Court ruled yesterday that a reproductive freedom amendment can appear on the ballot in November. This is another huge one. Republicans have been making gains in the state, and we have a hunch this is going to hurt them since most decent people care about having their basic human rights. So yeah, Nevada will be voting on abortion. But don’t kid yourself — we will all be voting on abortion.

More: Nevada Independent

Scary shit

Last night Israel launched missiles at Iran as Prime Minister Netanyahu seems desperate to start a wider war so he can stay in power longer. It’s so fucked up. The good news is that the Iranians seem to be downplaying the attack instead of escalating. The time is soon coming when Joe Biden is gonna have to get tougher with Bibi before this shit gets really out of control. We know a lot of folks think that time has already passed and we can’t argue that. Still, we’re praying for peace today.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

The Los Angeles Police Department is investigating rapper Ye for battery again. More: HuffPost

With the resignation of Republican Rep. Jake LaTurner (Kansas), the total number of Republicans choosing to not seek re-election this November is growing. More: LA Mag

Former President Donald Trump’s political operation said Thursday that it plans to deploy more than 100,000 attorneys and volunteers across battleground states to monitor — and potentially challenge — vote counting in November. More: Politico