4.18.24 Trash claps

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s paying attention to Arizona Republicans.

Note: What a week, Sexy Patriots. The dumb are getting dumber and the shitheads are getting shitheadier. We didn’t know it was possible either. But thank goodness for House Democrats like Jamie Raskin who are there to call out the dumbfuckery and embarrass the idiots on the other side…

LOL!!! And that was just the tip of the iceberg. With his impeachment joke in the crapper, Comer was flailing so bad that Democrats told him he needed therapy. We agree. So we brought in a shrink, Dr. Thelma Thelmason, to talk to Comer…

Well that didn't take long. And Dr. Thelmason charges by the hour! But it’s good to know Comer ain’t crazy. He’s just an asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Y’all won’t believe this, but we might actually be getting closer to funding Ukraine. Let’s fucking go! More: Politico

Note three: Bill Barr is gonna endorse Trump. If you’re shocked by this, you’re either a fucking moron or a gullible Beltway reporter. Or both. More: The Hill

Note four: Y’all know we love us some women’s basketball. But we sure don’t love them getting paid like shit. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but we want to make sure y’all see these fucking assholes in Arizona CHEERING FOR THEIR BULLSHIT 1864 ABORTION LAW!

Note six: We love this story because one of our favorite drinks is Southern Republican governor tears. On the rocks. More: HuffPost

Note seven: The president of the United States got choked up talking about his late son who died from cancer after volunteering to go to Iraq. Biden and Trump are not the same. More: NBC

Note eight: Remember Ron DeSantis? Dude who ate pudding with his fingers, carried a poop map in his pocket and lost his presidential bid like the pathetic loser that he is? Don’t feel bad. We forgot too. Anyway, he had to fold on Florida’s fucked up book bans that he said didn’t exist. Hahahaha. More: AP

Note nine: But don’t worry. The miserable shit is still using our children’s educations as a way to show everyone what a dumbshit he is. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Democrats are going to talk a lot about abortion. And they should. But the voices that will really matter are those of women who had their basic human rights taken from them by Trump and the broken and corrupt Supreme Court he rigged.

Note 11: Jewish Space Lasers!!!! She’s not playing with a full deck, folks. More: Business Insider

Note 12: Trump could have done something to stop the attack on Jan. 6. He watched tv instead. More: Politico

Note 13: It’s so hard to concentrate on all this dumb and scary shit when we know Taylor Swift has a new album coming out.

Note 14: We love Maxwell Frost. We’re guessing Marjorie Taylor Greene feels differently. More: Politico

Note 15: And watching Jared Moskowitz dunk on her is just too goddamn funny…

Note 16: If Trump thinks Jimmy Kimmel and Al Pacino are the same person, then his tiny little orange brain is even more fried than we thought. More: HuffPost

Note 17: The Kennedy family is making a big show of endorsing Biden. Probably because their relative who’s running is a complete lunatic. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Trump is back in court today. Joe Biden is not.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to shout out the Biden-Harris social media team. Their traitor trolling is fantastic, and we’re really enjoying it.

Note 20: And on that appreciative note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you’re having a sexy week. And if not, let us know and we’ll put you in touch with Dr. Thelmason. She’s way nicer to non-dumbasses. Love y’all!

Pay up, putzes

This one is pretty dang hilarious. Trump is asking down-ballot campaigns to kick up 5 percent to him if those campaigns use his name or likeness on any of their campaign literature. So congratulations to every Republican running for office on paying Trump’s legal bills. We’d say the Republican Party is now just a cheap version of the mafia, but even the mafia wasn’t this fucked up. Seriously, we sometimes think Trump hates the GOP more than we do.

More: Politico

Trash claps

Arizona Republicans don’t mind that the state Supreme Court sent women back to 1864 with their bullshit abortion ban. How do we know? Well they keep blocking efforts to change it or even debate it. How bad is this for Republicans? Well even Kari Lake’s soulless ass was begging them not to do this. So thank you to Arizona Republicans for continuing to show voter just how awful you really are. DID YOU SEE THOSE TWISTED FUCKS CLAPPING ABOUT THIS?!

More: CNN

LOL!

Well that was quick. No, we’re not talking about a Donald Trump love-making session. Ewwww. We’re talking about the Senate’s impeachment trial of Secretary Mayorkas. Did you see it? If you blinked, then the answer is probably no. Senate Democrats dispatched with that shit in about five minutes. Senate Republicans were big mad, but that’s always true. It’s pretty hard to take their anger seriously when their party torpedoed a border bill at Trump’s behest. Oh well. Let’s see what dumb shit stunt they come up with next and if it will last longer than the Price is Right.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Juror 2, the oncology nurse, has been excused from duty. As court started today, Merchan told lawyers on both sides that the juror called and conveyed that after sleeping on it, she had concerns about being fair and impartial. More: NBC

Indianapolis Star columnist Gregg Doyel made a heart gesture at Indiana Fever rookie Caitlin Clark on Wednesday at a news conference to begin an icky exchange with the WNBA’s top draft pick. More: HuffPost