4.17.24 LOLosers

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like its asshole senator husband just blamed it for all those illegal gold bars in our house. Sonofabitch.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Busy week, huh? Yeah, for us too. Frankly, we’ve been so busy we almost didn’t find time to laugh at this shit. So today we’re making time…

LOLOLOL!!!! How fucking hilarious is that?! Can you imagine what kind of dumbshit just lost their life savings betting on Trump? Well you don’t have to. Here now for an interview is Davejohn McDingus, a Trump supporter and one of the first investors in Trump Media…

After that we just heard a lot of cussing and crying and then something about this all being Obama’s fault. We laughed until we peed ourselves. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Just an FYI, we weren’t put on the jury. We would not have been impartial.

Note three: Also, we can’t stop laughing at the idea of Trump having to sit there while the judge read anti-Trump memes. HOW IS THIS NOT TELEVISED?!!! More: Rolling Stone

Note four: In non-Trump trial news… CONGRATULATIONS to Michigan Democrats on winning in special elections last night and making Michigan all the way blue again. They’re really doing some great things in that state. Take a bow, every last one of you sexy mofos who did this. Woohoo! More: Market Watch

Note five: Only one of the major networks mentioned that Trump fell asleep Monday. Do we think they’d be forgiving if it was Biden? Yeah, we don’t either. More: Media Matters

Note six: House Republicans delivered that joke impeachment of Mayorkas to the Senate yesterday. We’re not planning on taking it seriously. Hope that’s cool with y’all. More: CNN

Note seven: Biden toured his childhood home in Scranton yesterday. It was way cuter than when Trump tours his childhood home in hell. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Oh and Dark Brandon was in Scranton too. We aren’t the only ones laughing about Truth Social…

Note nine: Aaron Rodgers should’ve worn more helmets. Or something that would have stopped him from being an asshole moron. He’s become so awful that only the Daily Mail is writing about him. More: Daily Mail

Note 10: We really don’t feel like taking RFK seriously today but his piece of shit running mate came out of hiding yesterday to attack the Moderna Covid vaccine. So she’s fucking nuts. More: Daily Beast

Note 11: They’re cleaning up crime in Michigan. Just yesterday they charged the ex-Speaker of the House and his wife with embezzlement. Lock ‘em up! More: Bridge MI

Note 12: We’re starting to think Marjorie Taylor Greene ain’t too bright.

Note 13: Holy shit! Sen. Bob Menendez might be getting ready to blame his wife for all his alleged crimes. It’s good to know there’s someone out there worse at relationships than Sam. More: NBC New York

Note 14: So a couple days ago we told you about the psycho shithead running for Senate in Wisconsin who doesn’t think people in senior homes should be able to vote because they’re going to die. Now Kareem Adbul-Jabbar is weighing in. Git his ass, Cap. More: WIS Dems

Note 15: We don’t watch Reacher, but we think we’re gonna start. And if you know this dude, tell him he’s welcome to be a guest writer for TBS. More: HuffPost

Note 16: What the effing fuck is wrong with Kari Lake? Actually, don’t answer that. It could take all day. We knew she and her campaign were disasters, but it seems a little early in the calendar to be telling your supporters to arm themselves. Of course there’s never really a good time for that. More: NBC

Note 17: RIP to former Sen. Bob Graham. He was a good man, and he probably would’ve won Florida for Gore if he’d been on the ticket. More: CNN

Note 18: For today’s happy ending, we want to draw your attention to all the money our Senate candidates are raising. In fact, they beat the shit out of Republicans this last quarter. With the map we’re up against, we’re gonna need every penny so let’s keep it up! More: Axios

Note 19: And on that triumphant note, let’s go do some news! Trump doesn’t have court today so he’ll be able to sleep somewhere else. And honestly, we’re thinking about doing the same. Love y’all!

SCOTUS sucks

We really hope we’re wrong about this one, but it sure looks like our corrupt and broken Supreme Court is going to do a giant favor for Donald Trump and the rest of the dirtbags who attacked our Capitol. During oral arguments yesterday, the asshole Republican justices sure seemed eager to compare the Jan. 6 attack with Black Lives Matter protests. Which is weird because earlier this week these same justices really fucked over Black Lives Matter protesters. At issue is whether the Jan. 6 fuckers were trying to obstruct an official proceeding. This seems pretty obvious to us but so does a woman being in charge of her own body so what the hell do we know?

More: HuffPost

Whoa, Joe!

We knew the U.S. economy was en fuego, but holy freaking crap! According to the Financial Times, the IMF is forecasting that the U.S. economy will grow at DOUBLE the rate of the other G7 countries this year. Wow! Dark Brandon might have just built the greatest economy any of us have ever seen and nobody seems to know it because they all think they should be able to live like a fucking Kardashian. Well that and the rent is too damn high. Keep going, Dark Brandon!

More: Financial Times

LOLosers

Right after we hit send yesterday, shit got hilarious and hilariously sad in the U.S. House of Representatives. Again. Yeah, Rep. Thomas Massie — Kentucky’s version of Marjorie Taylor Greene — told Speaker MAGA Mike Johnson that he will join Green’s Motion to Vacate. So Mikey’s trip to Mar-a-Lago last week didn’t save him after all. Mikey was super pissed about the move and said he might have it harder than the Speaker did during the Civil War. Yeah, he actually said that. So anyway, House Republicans continue to be in disarray.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

In an interview, Hogan confirmed that he would caucus with Republicans in Washington, despite his concerns about Trump’s grip on the party. He also vowed not to leave the GOP after the election, even if Trump returns to the White House. More: AP

The Biden administration is preparing to reject a controversial road-building project need to mine major copper and zinc deposits in the remote Alaska wilderness, a move sought by native tribes, but one that would keep critical minerals needed for the U.S. clean energy transition out of reach. More: Politico

Veteran courtroom artist Christine Cornell has described Donald Trump’s very physical response to Judge Juan Merchan’s chiding of the former president during his hush money trial. More: HuffPost