4.16.24 Sleepy Don

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s on trial for being a corrupt lawless asshole.

Note: We made history yesterday, Sexy Patriots! Yeah, we’ve never enjoyed a Monday quite as much as we enjoyed yesterday. Why? Well because we got to spend much of it laughing at the scummy piece of shit who went on trial yesterday and got a whole big mouthful of reality…

LOLOL!!!! YESSSSSSS!!!! Oh that must’ve killed his shriveled little soul to acknowledge that stuff. And then it got worse for him. You won’t believe this but TBS was actually able to sneak in the courtroom and have a little fun. Here is the court transcript after the part that Katie laid out…

Well that was fun. We didn’t think we’d be able to sneak in and pull that off, but our fake mustache and trench coat did the trick. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Want to keep the good times rolling? Well then be sure to laugh at Rudy “Face Shitter” Giuliani, whose defamation verdict was upheld yesterday. LOLOL!!! Pay up, Poopieface! More: ABC

Note three: MAGA Mike Johnson wants separate votes for Israel, Ukraine and Taiwan aid. We’re sure the guy who can’t even tie his fucking shoes won’t have any problem pulling that off. More: Politico

Note four: Tesla is laying off a whole bunch of people. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if the company’s owner wasn’t a nazi fuckhead. More: AP

Note five: Y’all should watch this clip of Hillary and Kelly Clarkson. Do Republicans think we’re all just gonna forget what they did?

Note six: Republicans in Arizona are freaking out and desperate to act like they have a plan. Of course they already had a plan and it was to take us all back to 1864. So yeah, no shit they need a new plan. More: NBC

Note seven: Here’s the behind-the-scenes story on the people who helped stop No Labels. Read it and then send them thank-you notes. More: NBC

Note eight: Trump was very upset yesterday that he might not be able to go to his son’s high school graduation. We assume he was talking about Don Jr. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Whoa. We already knew that Colin Allred outraised Ted Cruz. But we’re pretty stunned that he outraised Beto too. If you click on this link, that will make more sense. More: Texas Tribune

Note 10: So how did Truth Social do yesterday oh yikes. We really wish we hadn’t invested our life savings. Just kidding. We’re not fucking idiots.

Note 11: Republicans must love losing in Wisconsin. Because they just made a Trump 2020 coup-attempt asshole the head of their state party. How long before this dude is in jail? More: AP

Note 12: WAKE UP! Sorry. That wasn’t for you.

Note 13: RFK says Trump asked him to be his running mate. It’s possible he’s lying. It’s also possible he’s telling the truth. That’s how fucked up things are. More: HuffPost

Note 14: It’s pretty damn unnerving how badly U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton wants to jail and kill his fellow Americans. More: The Hill

Note 15: We think women should have the right to vote. It’s been a while since that was a controversial thing to say. Or maybe some people are just fucking morons.

Note 16: Congratulations to the Indiana Fever’s Caitlin Clark and the rest of the 2024 WNBA draft class! More: ESPN

Note 17: Joe Biden is not in a courtroom today.

Note 18: We probably should have put this higher but if you live in Michigan, please vote in the special statehouse elections! More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re offering a two-fer. First, here’s a story about how Trump can’t get a crowd outside the courtroom. Second, here’s a picture that we just think is freaking hilarious. More: Politico

Note 20: And on that double note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. Thanks for staying awake through TBS instead of nodding off like some pathetic lowlife asshat. Love y’all!

Sleepy Don

LOLOL!!!! How was Trump going on trial even better than we thought? Well the dumb motherfucker fell asleep! Yeah, according to reporters who were in the room, orangey passed out during the first part of his trial yesterday. Low energy. Sad. Of course then the giant baby woke up cranky and complained and whined and cried and needed to be changed. Maybe Don Jr. can help him stay away for the rest of the trial. Jury selection is scheduled to continue today.

More: LA Mag

Where’s Clarence?

Clarence Thomas is missing. Well sorta. ‘Cause we ain’t exactly missing him. But the justice, who is married to a traitor to the United States, was not at the Court Monday as justices heard arguments. We’ll let you fill in your own conspiracy theory or wishful thinking, but here’s hoping he retired and didn’t tell anyone, instead wandering off into the woods to contemplate what a horrible piece of shit he is. Or he’s just hanging out on some billionaire shithead’s yacht.

More: HuffPost

Thanks, Mr. President

So what was the president of the United States doing while his opponent was snoozing in a courtroom yesterday? Well lots of shit. But mostly he was announcing that he was paying his taxes on the $620,000 the first family made last year. Ain’t it nice the way he just told us instead of spending years in court trying to stop us from finding out? Anyway, because he’s Dark Brandon, he also got in a dig at orangey, saying

More: Axios

Today’s clips

The Supreme Court is allowing Idaho to enforce its ban on gender-affirming care for transgender youth while lawsuits over the law proceed, reversing lower courts. More: HuffPost

Senate Democrats’ campaign arm is launching a $79 million advertising plan that’s aimed at holding onto the majority this fall — alongside spending by a key party super PAC and individual candidates — according to details first shared with POLITICO. More: Politico

Steve Garvey, the former baseball superstar turned Republican candidate, has managed to raise millions in recent weeks for his longshot bid for California’s open Senate seat — and it’s costing him. More: Politico