4.15.24 Hope and change

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s Tax Day. But hey, at least we’re not all dirtbag piece of shit criminal assholes going on trial today LOL!!!

Note: Well goshdamn, Sexy Patriots! We took the weekend off, but the news sure didn’t. Wowza. We’ve got a lot to cuss about today, but before we fire up the fuck-word machine and let loose, there’s something we want to make sure you and everyone else sees…

Yes! That’s our Vice President and she is bringing nothing but the truth to the people of Arizona! Did you hear what she said? She said this gutless soulless fuckhead piece of shit is the reason some dumbshit judges are forcing women back to 18-fucking-64. She said the stupid fuck orange ass-for-brains can kiss her ass and go straight to hell but only after we kick his sorry butt all over the place this November.

Ok fine so she didn’t quite put it like that. You sorta have to read between the lines. But she sure as heck didn’t mince words either. We’re damn grateful to see our Vice President out there fighting for women’s rights like this. Give ‘em hell and tell ‘em to eat shit, VP. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, can we just say again how impressed we are by the VP’s reaction to this ruling? It happened at the beginning of the week and by Friday she was in Tucson serving some truth. It’s the urgency and adroitness we all want to see.

Note three: Adroitness? Feeling fucking fancy or something today, fellas?

Note four: As the cussing advisory said, today is Tax Day. If you forgot, you should probably un-forget.

Note five: We should take up a collection of self respect and start giving it out to Republicans. They’re running dangerously — and embarrassingly — low.

Note six: According to that liberal rag the Wall Street Journal, homicides are falling at their fastest pace in decades. Thanks, Dark Brandon. More: WSJ

Note seven: We’re gonna get to this more in the news section, but MAGA Mike Johnson needs to pass the Ukraine funding bill now. Like today. More: CNBC

Note eight: If you didn’t see it, the Keebler Asshead went down to Mar-a-Lago on Friday to kiss some orange ass and call for a new law to outlaw something that’s already against the law. Pathetic, MAGA Mike. Just pathetic. More: The Hill

Note nine: We don’t normally like billionaires, but Mark Cuban seems like a pretty righteous dude. More: LA Mag

Note 10: On Friday, Trump said he “broke Roe v. Wade.” We know you did, asshole. And we’ll see you in November.

Note 11: If Marsha Blackburn and Lindsey Graham want to attack Iran they should do it themselves. It would be a nice change of pace from watching those shitasses attack America. More: The Hill

Note 12: Are you going on trial today for some criminal shit? We’re not either. But Donald Trump is. We’re saving it for the news section, but we just think it’s funny to keep saying it. Don’t you hope he has the shittiest day?

Note 13: We love FLOTUS so much. Last week, she issued a stark warning that Trump is “dangerous” to LGBTQ people. And she’s right. More: AP

Note 14: Does it make us bad people that we love watching Trump supporters lose money? This is like watching the next Trump University in real time. More: CNN

Note 15: MAGA Mike Johnson is so full of shit that even twitter is calling him out.

Note 16: HUGE congrats to Brittney Griner and her wife, who are expecting their first baby! Remember when Joe Biden got her out of a Russian prison? We’re telling y’all he’s a pretty darn good president. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Donald Trump doesn’t like being called unpopular. Ok fine. We’ll just stick to calling him a dumbfuck diseased rat scrotum. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Are we the only ones kinda giddy over the dumbfuck diseased rat scrotum actually going on trial today?

Note 19: For today’s happy ending, we take you to this weekend’s Saturday Night Live, where superstar Caitlin Clark fired back at Michael Che’s sexist jokes about women’s sports and then thanked some of the women who came before her by name. We’re big fans of Clark, and we hope she has a great time tonight when she’s drafted number one in the WNBA draft.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great week. And if you don’t, we’ll have plenty of extra cuss words for you to use. Love y’all!

Hope and change

We aren’t talking about the Obama slogan. We’re saying there’s more hope because the polls have changed. Polls are absolute garbage, and they’ve been totally wrong for several years. But um we’re hooked on them and so is the media so let’s talk about them. This weekend, the NYT showed the race tied Trump 46 Biden 45. In February, the same poll was giving Trump a 5-point lead. More than half of voters — 53 percent — think Trump committed “serious federal crimes.” Now again, we think this is all bullshit. But take this with every other poll we’ve seen and it’s undeniable that the wind is at Biden’s back right now. We have to hope — and work our asses off to do this — that more Americans see what Joe Biden and Donald Trump have done and what they’re promising to do, then this race will move more and more in our direction. Fuck despair. Let’s win this thing.

More: NY Times, Politico

Scary shit

So this weekend, Iran fired hundreds of attack drones and missiles at Israel. Thanks to US help, most of them were shot down. President Biden spent the weekend in the White House Situation Room, and he might have just saved us from a world war. Since the Iranian attack was in response to an Israeli attack on an Iranian consulate, the US said it would not attack Iran. Biden instead brought the G7 together to condemn the attack while calling for a diplomatic solution. While Republican chickenhawks were calling for war and Trump was rambling about how awesome the battle of Gettysburg was, Joe Biden was busy being president. We wish every American would ask themselves how they think this weekend would’ve gone if Trump had been in office.

More: HuffPost

Lock him up

We’ve been waiting for too fucking long to type these words: Donald Trump is going on trial. And it’s a criminal trial. Yup, he’s the first president we’ve ever had go on trial for criminal trial, and that’s pretty impressive when you consider how many scumbags we’ve had as presidents. Today in New York, Trump is going on trial for his role in the 2016 hush money scam. We’re not lawyers, but he’s guilty as fuck. Let’s all make sure we take the time to really enjoy this shit.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Democrats are exploring their options to get President Joe Biden on the ballot in Alabama and Ohio after top Republican elections officials warned that he would miss the deadline to be certified as the Democratic nominee in both states. More: CNN

Donald Trump said earlier this month that he believes that abortion access should be left to the states in the post-Roe era, declining to back a specific limit on when a woman could get an abortion. But women won’t be fooled over his real intentions, Sen. Tina Smith (D-Minn.) said Sunday. More: Politico