4.14.23 The Dumbshine State

Be advised: This newsletter puts the pro in profanity.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re gonna do something weird as hell today. We’re gonna show you a Trump ad. Yes, it makes us feel dirty and gross, but we are so fucking disgusted with Ron DeShithead that we just can’t resist. Be warned — this shit is nauseating and pretty funny…

Yikes!!!!!!! Excuse us while we go laugh and then vomit. So why show that? Well, we think of it as a new parable — Dingus and Dungus. Dingus is a piece of shit who rigged the Supreme Court to take away basic human rights from millions of women. Dungus is the gutless goddamn coward who just signed a six-week ban in the middle of the night like the chickenshit that he is.

So when Dingus and Dungus are fucking each other up, we’re gonna enjoy it. Because we genuinely truly completely hate them both, and we genuinely truly completely hope they eat big bowls of shit and then go fuck themselves. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Danco, the company that makes the abortion pill, filed an appeal with SCOTUS this morning. It looks like the high and totally corrupt court is going to have to step in after a Washington State judge doubled down on keeping the medication legal in the states that appealed to his court. It is fucking insane how fast Republicans moved to do the shit they spent years saying they wouldn’t do. It’s almost like they’re psycho liars who hate women. More: CNN

UPDATE: The Biden administration just filed an appeal too. More: CNN

Note three: Want to see one of the many reasons we don’t link to Politico? More: Guardian

Note four: The sick fuck murderer that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott wants to pardon admitted he was a racist and said lots and lots of racist shit before murdering a veteran who was protesting. This is probably why Republicans want him pardoned. More: CNN

Note five: This is what Tennessee Republicans were saying behind closed doors while showing the world what deranged racist idiots they are. DOJ needs to investigate. But DOJ needs to do a lot of shit it ain’t doing.

Note six: Trump testified before New York AG Letitia James yesterday for like seven hours. Does anyone think he was able to tell the truth for that long? Yeah, we don’t either. More: USA Today

Note seven: Well this might be the greatest thing we’ve ever seen. On IG, someone made this thing that creates AI images of what Republicans would look like in drag. You’re gonna want to see Cruzella DeVille. Ted wishes he looked that good. More: NBC

Note eight: Jan. 6 truther Elon Musk spent the last few hours sharing anti-trans material before announcing he’ll be interviewed on Tucker Carlson’s show next week. Remember when the New York Times’s Jeremy Peters wrote a story about how confusing Musk’s politics are? Wonder if his dumb ass is still confused. NO LINK

Note nine: Randy Fine, who is anything but, is one of the shit-for-brains tiny-peened fuckheads going after trans people in Florida. Really he’s going after the whole LGBTQ community. And his wife likes to do dirty dances for children. Groomer. More: NBC

Note 10: Those badass Tennessee Democrats are showing us how to fight back…

Note 11: We’re so fucking mad about this Florida shit we can’t see straight. The worst part? We could be talking about like 10 different things.

Note 12: After a report from Meghan McCain’s husband yesterday that Mitch McConnell might not be returning to the Senate, McConnell announced that he’ll be back next week. Sure is weird how he disappeared for more than a month and the press didn’t give a shit. More: CNN

Note 13: And a senator we actually want to come back will be back at it soon too. Godspeed to Sen. Fetterman. More: Penn Live

Note 14: The DiFi stuff is quickly becoming a nightmare. We need 60 votes or unanimous consent to replace her on the Judiciary Committee and Republicans are already saying they’ll block it unless we pick someone like Sinema. And if Schumer picks Sinema, we’re quitting the fucking party too. More: NBC

Note 15: So shall we check in on some polling and see how House Republicans’ grotesque obsession with attacking the president’s family is going?

Note 16: While our kids are being shot in schools, Republicans are gathering in Indianapolis to celebrate with the NRA. Bet those scumbags walk through metal detectors on the way in. More: CNN

Note 17: Missouri has declared on war on trans kids and adults. Yes, the people who think 12-year-old girls should get married are working very hard to protect the children. It’s fucking appalling. More: AP

Note 18: We’ve talked before about Machaela Cavanaugh and her battle for trans kids. Well here she is breaking our hearts with her endless compassion. We’re on the good side, y’all.

Note 19: Since this is a heavy news week with a lot of deeply upsetting fucked up shit, here’s Curtis Mayfield’s Superfly…

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news and then go do this weekend. We love y’all, and we hope you’re holding up. We know some of these news cycles can really take a toll on our mental health, and we hope y’all are being good to your sexy selves. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you back here Monday.

The Party of Benedict Arnold

So yesterday the New York Times and then the FBI busted the air national guardsmen who was leaking state secrets about the Ukraine war all over the internet. What happened next is America 2023 in a nutshell. First the Washington Post wrote a story about how charismatic the young racist anti semite traitor is and just how “patriotic” his family is. Then Marjorie Taylor Greene and Tucker Carlson decided the little rat is actually a hero. Because he’s white and loves Putin almost as much as they do. Fuck the traitors. Every last goddamn one of them.

More: HuffPost

This is getting ridiculous

So remember Harlan Crow, the billionaire who collects Nazi shit and Supreme Court justices? Well it turns out he’s also Clarence Thomas’s mom’s landlord. Yes, you read that right. Crow bought Thomas’s mom’s house and the one next to it and neither of them ever reported it. Thomas’s mom still lives in the fucking house. It’s ok, Crow says, because he just wanted to turn it into a museum one day. This is when we really wish we had a brawler as chairman of Senate Judiciary. Because we promise John Roberts isn’t gonna do a goddamn thing.

More: ProPublica

The Dumbshine State

So we used to really love Florida. Now we just weep for it. In the middle of the night last night, Ron DeScumoftheearth, fresh off a book tour he kept doing even while Fort Lauderdale was underwater, signed a six-week abortion ban behind closed doors. Because the only thing Ron loves more than taking away people’s rights is being a gutless wimp. There is a silver lining here — nobody who signs something like this is EVER going to be president. But goddamn the women of the South now live under Taliban rule and it makes us want to cry and cuss and throw some shit and then go register more voters. Fuck you, Ron.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

The Fort Lauderdale airport reopened Friday morning, after monumental flooding wreaked havoc on the South Florida city and surrounding communities, closing schools and government buildings, and sending hundreds of residents to emergency shelters. More: CNN

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) suggested on Thursday that Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) may need to step down if she is unable to return to Washington in the coming months, stopping shy of outright calling for her colleague’s resignation. More: HuffPost

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