4.13.23 Look who’s back in court

Be advised: This newsletter uses f-bombs, and they’re about to go off.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s damn good to see you. You’re looking rested and resisty and we freaking love it. We on the other hand have simply not slept. Why? What’s keeping us up? Well, his name is Mike Moon and this is the shit he believes in…

We know we say this a lot but WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! What the fuck is wrong with Missouri Republicans? Are they defunding libraries so kids won’t have a place to get away from them? From now on, we’re looking at Missourians differently. We’re sorry if that’s not fair, but someone elected this degenerate freakshow.

Like all of a sudden we’re real goddamn curious about their state nickname. We used to just assume there was a cute story or interesting factoid that we totally don’t give a shit about that explains why they’re the Show Me State. And you used to hear that and half-smile and say that’s nice. Now it’s like wait just a second there, sparky. What exactly are you motherfuckers wanting to show us?

So yeah, let’s keep kicking ass in elections so we can protect kids from the creeps trying to protect kids. Y’all have a blessed day. And stay the fuck away from Mike Moon. More: Heartland Signal

Note two: Ain’t it weird how the QAnon folks keep missing guys like that?

Note three: If we seem a little extra pissed off today, it’s because of the Fifth Circuit and we’ll talk about that later. But for now, fuck the Fifth Circuit.

Note four: Speaking of judges, Sen. Dianne Feinstein said in a statement yesterday that she wants Schumer to take her off Judiciary and give her spot to someone else because of her health. There are reports she might not ever make it back to DC, and yesterday we saw some prominent Democrats calling for her resignation. What’s really gonna suck is when McConnell blocks the effort to take her off Judiciary. More: CNN

Note five: Tim Scott, whoever the fuck that is, if off to a great start with his presidential campaign. This video is from yesterday. Today he said we need a national ban. You’re doing great, honey!

Note six: Today Joe Biden announced he is expanding Obamacare to immigrant children. It’s nice to be the party of compassion and not evil fucking dickweeds. More: AP

Note seven: Biden also said today that the US is very close to finding the nazi asshole who leaked all those Ukraine documents. How do we know the motherfucker is a nazi? Because the Washington Post wrote a sweet sympathetic story about the leaker who likes to use racist and antisemitic remarks before firing a gun. We really need to ask why so many reporters are so sympathetic to nazis. More: CNN

Note eight: Nobody tell us what happened on Ted Lasso this week. We watched Mandalorian last night instead. Man, teevee is so freaking good right now.

Note nine: Hakeem Jeffries raised more than $33 million for Democrats in the first quarter. Not too shabby! More: NBC

Note 10: If the whole world could have parents, we might pick Jose Andres and Dolly Parton.

Note 11: Trump sued Michael Cohen yesterday for half a billion dollars. He drew an Obama judge for his frivolous lawsuit. He also said yesterday that he needs to delay the E. Jean Carroll trial because he’s just too busy with other legal stuff. This is getting really really fucking fun to watch. More: CNBC

Note 12: Ron DeSantis is calling Florida Republicans and begging them to not endorse Trump and we just think that is so goddamn funny. Can’t you just hear that whiny voice pleading with State Sen. Billy Ray Dumbfuck to be his bestest friend? More: NBC

Note 13: Yesterday Marco Rubio took to his twitter account to attack a US servicemember. We will continue to say this until we are blue in the face — these Republican chickenshits should go and pick out the person they think is the wokest member of the military and challenge that person to a fight. And please let us watch. NO LINK

Note 14: We need to devote more time and space to this but for now let us just say Gretchen Whitmer is the kind of fighter Democrats have been waiting for for a long damn time. More: Detroit News

Note 15: Joe Biden appears to be having a blast in Ireland, and we fucking love it.

Note 16: Hey so we finally set aside some time to return some emails yesterday and we just want to say we love y’all so fucking much. Please keep sending us notes to tell us what you think of the newsletter and the people it cusses.

Note 17: Florida wants more George Floyds and fewer cameras recording. Because that’s Jim Crow’s state now and the only people pretending not to see it are Republicans and reporters. More: Miami Herald

Note 18: So yesterday we found out about a whole new batch of subpoenas for Trump and his friends to see if they ripped off his donors. Spoiler alert — he definitely ripped off his fucking donors. More: Washington Post (Paywall)

Note 19: Let’s end on a happy note today. We’ve wondered for a while now if it’s possible to be too crazy in the party of Donald Trump and Roy Moore. Apparently the answer is yes. Shocked us too. In Arizona, legislators just threw out one of their own over election denial batshittery. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We want to thank you for joining us today and we want to thank Missouri Republicans for reminding us all that we are definitely on the right side of this shit. Y’all have a great day.

Welcome back!

Yesterday the Memphis City Council voted to return State Rep. Justin Pearson to the statehouse. Last week of course a very racist GOP-controlled House voted to expel Reps. Justin Jones and Justin Pearson who had the audacity to protest children being murdered by guns. The whole world tuned in to see just how dumb and racist Tennessee Republicans are. And now both men are back where they belong, fighting for what’s right and doing so with a much much bigger platform. So thanks, Tennessee dumbfucks. We think these remarks from Rep. Jones sum things up nicely…

More: NPR

Not welcome back

Donald J. Trump, who is super innocent, is back in a New York City courtroom today to be deposed about all the crimes he didn’t commit. Trump is set to be questioned by NY AG Letitita James today in the $250 million civil lawsuit James brought against Trump and his idiot kids for their years and years of (alleged) fraud. Have a fun day, Donnie!

More: CNBC

Sonofabitch

So late on Friday, a Texas Trump judge said the abortion pill isn’t safe and he made it illegal pending a one-week stay. DOJ immediately appealed to the Fifth Circuit. Well last night the scumbag right-wing judges on the fifth said that the abortion pill should still be legal. But you can’t send it through the mail and you can’t get it after seven weeks of pregnancy. So yes, they are just making shit up as they go. We assume DOJ will appeal to SCOTUS but we all know who those fucking ghouls are. Stay mad, y’all. We gotta let them know just how badly they have fucked up.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

In March, a first-grade concert in Wisconsin was barred from singing “Rainbowland” by Miley Cyrus and Dolly Parton. Now the school district has placed a teacher who complained about the ban on administrative leave. The district has not clarified when the teacher will be allowed to return or what repercussions she may face next. More: New Republic

A federal appeals court has denied former Trump aide Peter Navarro's effort to block an order requiring him to hand the government 200 to 250 emails that he sent using a private email account during his time in the Trump administration. More: NBC

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