4.1.24 Thank you, Cleveland!

It’s Monday. There are 217 days until the general election. Trump thinks he’s violent Jesus, a Cleveland newspaper offers a much-needed journalism lesson and get ready for some seriously racist bullcrap.

Be advised: This newsletter has seen the light and given up profanity. Happy April Fools Day.

Note: Sigh, Sexy Patriots. We’d say we hope you had a good and relaxing Easter weekend, but we know how goddamn stupid everything is…

Sonofa… Like we said everything is fucking stupid. Yeah, Trump and his right-wing extremist buddies spent the weekend praising Jesus the only way they know how — by vomiting hate and misspelled lunacy all over the fucking place. Because being a Republican Christian in 2024 is mostly about getting so mad about other Americans existing that your face turns redder than a radish while you cuss and scream so loud that you spit everywhere and eventually shart yourself.

What’s truly sad is that all that hate caused them to miss the true meaning of the holiday — celebrating that one time that a bunch of Peeps watched while the Easter Bunny had sex with a Hershey’s bar and gave birth to a cadbury egg. Well we haven’t forgotten here at TBS, so congrats to that horny bunny and chocolate bar on their new arrival. And fuck off to every angry dipshit out there who spent Easter roid-raging out over our president actually embracing the teachings of Jesus H. Christ. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: And btw, Joe Biden is right — trans rights are human rights. More: CNN

Note three: We usually save the sports and pop culture notes for later, but how excited are y’all for LSU vs. Iowa today?! And USC vs. UCONN?! If you don’t like women’s college basketball, you are missing out on some really good shit. More: CBS

Note four: Last week we meant to share with you the story about Crystal Mason’s voter fraud sentence being thrown out and we blew it. So let us make it up to you with this great story about how Crystal is turning the injustice she faced into a battle for voting rights. Hero. More: NBC

Note five: Here was Trump’s Easter message. We think he might have missed the point.

Note six: Speaking of super awesome Christian assholes, here’s one who wants to nuke Gaza. Can’t you just feel Jesus’s love? More: UPI

Note seven: Is there a worse human being on the planet besides Caitlyn Jenner? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Today is Sam Alito’s birthday. We made him a cake. We may or may not have made it with poop.

Note nine: You know how Trump wants to do all kinds of scary fucked up shit if he wins again? Well Congress is already on board. More: HuffPost

Note 10: This is perfect.

Note 11: Remember last week when Trump went to that cop’s funeral and pretended to back the blue? Well Officer Brian Sicknick’s family had some thoughts about that bullshit. More: NY Daily News

Note 12: If y’all haven’t listened to Beyonce’s new album Cowboy Carter, do yourself a favor and go listen to it right now. It’s phenomenal. More: Telegraph

Note 13: You may or not know that Lara Trump likes to make music. Which is to say she likes to rip off people who actually make music. Well the DNC has fired back and it’s a beautiful thing. More: The Hill

Note 14: Today has been 40 years since Marvin Gaye was murdered by his dad. What a genius. What a tragedy.

Note 15: It’s probably time to just start ignoring Meet the Press. This shit is embarrassing.

Note 16: President Biden is planning to visit Baltimore this week. It’s nice to have a president who gives a shit about something other than his ratings. More: NBC

Note 17: Turkish President Erdogan had a bad weekend. That’s a shame. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Who’s excited for next week’s eclipse? Do you have any big plans?

Note 19: For our closing happy note, we want to welcome this young fella to the TBS community. We like his style…

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a lovely Easter weekend if that’s your thing. And if not, we hope you at least avoided all the dumb Republican shit that came with it. Love y’all!

More Christian love

Before Trump and co spent the weekend demanding we hate our fellow Americans to celebrate Easter, he shared some pretty violent imagery as any good Christian would. Yeah, the guy who cheated on his pregnant wife with a porn star continued to show us the light and the love by posting a picture of Joe Biden tied up and gagged in the back of a pick-up truck. Secret Service didn’t do shit because they are a corrupt and compromised force. The media might not give a shit, but Trump likes violence and wants lots more of it.

More: NBC

Thank you, Cleveland!

We’ve been waiting to say that since we saw Spinal Tap as kids. But seriously, thank you, Cleveland. Or more accurately, thank you to Chris Quinn, editor of the Cleveland Plain Dealer for making clear that there aren’t two sides to truth. This is the kind of moral clarity and purpose we have begged for with the national press, but they have repeatedly made clear that ain’t happening. So thank you to the journalists who get it and who are meeting this moment.

What the fuck?!

So by now you’ve heard some of the crazy terrifying shit that Trump wants to do if he wins again. But this one will blow your mind. Trump wants to reorient the Justice Department’s Civil Rights division to focus on anti-white racism, which is not really a thing or any kind of problem except to racist assholes. They’re also planning to end any and all anti-racist policies. And they’re admitting all of this. They’re telling us all the fucked up stuff they’re going to do. The only question is are we listening?

More: Axios

Today’s clips

Democrats have kicked into high gear to combat what they see as the threat that Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s independent presidential bid could pose to President Joe Biden’s reelection. The Democratic National Committee has a team dedicated to countering Kennedy and other third-party candidates, and big donors are investing in a super PAC to do the same. But the nature of Kennedy’s appeal is not fully understood, and if he manages to get on the ballot in key states, he could pull as many votes, or more, away from former President Donald Trump as from Biden. More: HuffPost

Anti-abortion advocates worked for five decades to topple Roe v. Wade. They’re now laying the groundwork for a yearslong fight to curb in vitro fertilization. More: Politico