4.12.23 Bragg sues Gym

Be advised: If you like Republicans but don’t like cussing, this is NOT the newsletter for you. Also, how the fuck could you like this Republican Party and not cussing?! Weird.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? Glad to hear it! Us? We’re a fucking mess. We made the horrendous mistake of watching Tucker Carlson interview Trump, and now we’re rooting for climate change.

(Ok that was a bad joke. Climate change is really goddamn scary and we have got to get serious about it before it’s too late.)

Other than laughing until our sides hurt at Tucker debasing himself before a man we all now know he hates and thinks is “disgusting,” the thing that stuck with us was Trump telling one of those came-up-to-me-with-tears-in-his-eyes bullshit stories. This time it was about all the flowing tear ducts in the courthouse when his sorry ass got arrested.

We’ve long mocked this silly shit, but this time we just had to know if it was true. So we did some digging and we found 10 people in this country who actually cried while meeting Trump. After talking to all of them, we now have a decent sample size to break down the reasons people cry when they meet ex-President Shit-for-Brains —

— Two people had just gotten punched in the eye by a Trump supporter seconds before the meeting

— One person was bear-sprayed by Ivanka because that’s what those assholes do

— One person actually was a huge Trump fan and was in tears about it but like after we talked to him he tried to have sex with an electrical socket so you know maybe don’t be like that guy

— Four people said it was the pungent odor of “loser stank”

— One person said the oder was more akin to “wide-open ass”

— The 10th person was Mike Pence and he was crying when he answered the phone so maybe there’s just something going on with that guy

So there you have it. Trump makes people cry for lots of reasons. Guess we already knew that. Y’all have a great day!

Note two: This is an appreciation note for the Huffington Post’s Jennifer Bendery, who is always providing crucial context and asking questions that lead to important stories like this. More: HuffPost

Note three: This is a hard watch, but we think it’s an important one…

Note four: Missouri Republicans voted to defund public libraries. Maybe they should stop getting angry when we call them dumb. ‘Cause getting rid of libraries ain’t exactly rocket surgeon shit. More: Heartland Signal

Note five: House Republicans are so desperate to save Trump’s sorry ass that they’re introducing legislation that would let ex-presidents and vice presidents move their legal troubles to federal court if they want to. Is there any part of America they won’t fuck with to protect that goddamn gameshow host? Don’t answer. We already know. (Breitbart was the only link we could find. Sorry.)

Note six: Can we all just take a moment to laugh at Lindsey Graham, the saddest, most pathetic person to ever slither across this green earth? We don’t even have jokes. This is really more of a point-and-laugh situation…

Note seven: We have a lot of respect for Sen. Dianne Feinstein. She has done a lot of good for a long time. But if her health is poor — and we hope that’s not the case — then she needs to step down. The only thing this Senate majority is doing is confirming judges and stopping House insanity. Nobody wants to see the senator hurt her legacy by nullifying our hard-won majority. More: SF Chronicle

Note eight: We also really hope that the criticisms of DiFi aren’t coming from a Dick Durbin who might be eager to change the conversation away from blue slips. Get it together, Judiciary Committee. We need y’all. More: DailyKos

Note nine: President Biden spoke to Evan Gershkovich’s parents yesterday. Evan is the WSJ reporter who is being wrongly detained in Russia. Biden is the president who actually gives a damn. More: NBC

Note 10: We were gonna put this in the news section since it’s such a big freaking deal, but Sen. Tammy Baldwin announced this morning she’s running for re-election and that is HUGE news. We’re excited to help Wisconsin re-elect a true fighter. More: AP

Note 11: We don’t need to tell y’all this, but the last vice president didn’t do stuff like this…

Note 12: Ok who’s got the best Harvard jokes? Let’s hear ‘em! More: Guardian

Note 13: We just heard Tim Scott launched a presidential exploratory committee today. After googling him, we’re of the opinion he should explore keeping his day job. Maybe even being better at it. More: Post and Courier

Note 14: Jon Tester raised $5 million in the first quarter. Hell yeah. He’s gonna need it. He’s a damn good senator from a red state, and they’re coming for him. More: Bozeman Daily

Note 15: The firefighter who threw a firefighter at the cops while he was attacking the United States Capitol on Jan. 6 was sentenced to four years. Speaking of sentences, it’s incredible the shit we find ourselves writing these days. More: NBC

Note 16: So how is Bud Light doing despite some very angry and intolerant losers and their temper tantrums? Just fine…

Note 17: It’s hard not to be skeptical, but if Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee is serious about doing something with background checks and red flags and he can convince the racist dumbshit parade in the capital to go along with it, then we’ll do a whole damn note about what a fucking hero he is. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Thank you to Katie Phang for reminding us all of Tucker Carlson’s humiliating degradation. Please teach us more about masculinity, sad little butt-kissing man.

Note 19: NPR announced this morning that it is done with Elon’s twitter. But don’t worry, twitter users, you can still get news from Catturd or whatever freakshow Elon is kissing up to these days. More: NPR

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news and then knock out this hump day. We hope y’all are having a great week. We hope your spring is springing nicely, and we look forward to seeing you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Lol no shit

The judge in the Dominion/Fox case said yesterday that Fox has a “credibility problem.” lol. Seems like a good judge. The reason the judge said that was that Dominion is damn upset that Fox has repeatedly misrepresented whether Rupert Murdoch actually works at Fox. The judge is not happy. The trial is supposed to start tomorrow. The judge did say that Fox is not allowed to use newsworthiness as a defense at the trial because he’s already decided they were full of shit and that’s not what’s on trial. Actual malice is. We did get one setback as the judge said the plaintiffs can’t talk about Jan. 6. Which seems like bullshit to us but whatever.

More: ABC

This is dumb

House Republicans are tying themselves into knots trying to defend their orange daddy, and it has made a fucking action hero out of Alvin Bragg. After weeks of interference and OBSTRUCTION, House Republicans might’ve gone too far with their bullshit stunt to hold a field hearing in New York City next week. Yesterday Bragg sued Jordan and his crony to get them to back the fuck off. Unfortunately Bragg drew a Trump judge and the restraining order was temporarily denied. Btw, we’re not lawyers so this is just what we’ve put together. Regardless, it’s damn good to see Alvin Bragg was ready for war.

More: CNBC

Cool(ing)

Inflation cooled down for the ninth month in a row, and at some point this fucked up news media is gonna have to give Dark Brandon some credit for a kick-ass economy. Grocery prices even went down on a monthly basis! Between the Fed, the GOP, the pandemic and the press, Dark Brandon has had to fight a lot of people to fix the economy. Maybe we should talk about that more.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky on Wednesday condemned as “beasts” those who purportedly beheaded Ukrainian soldiers shown in two videos that emerged on social media in the past week. More: CNN

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