4.11.23 A triumphant return in Nashville

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’re also working on some really crude drawings of Ted Cruz.

Note: Sexy Patriots, there are days when it can be dang difficult to decide on an opening note. Some days it’s rousing pep talks. Some days it’s poop jokes. Since America got oranged, there is an overabundance of ridiculous shit about which to write pretty much every damn day.

But not today. No, today was easy. Because yesterday we saw Kevin McCarthy tweet out a list of all the Republican accomplishments since they took over. We swear we’re not making this up. After we stopped laughing at his very small, um, list, we decided to do a little digging and put together the real list. The Real List of Accomplishments from House Republicans …

— Lauren Boebert almost made it to work without getting lost yesterday.

— We elected a speaker of the house after 15 tries.

— We figured out how to get the door to his office open after 17 tries.

— George Santos hasn’t killed and eaten anyone yet. We don’t think.

— We’re damn close to seeing the president’s only surviving son’s penis.

— It’s been like two years since we attacked the Capitol.

— Trump only made us cry twice yesterday.

— He also told us we’re his special little guys so things are looking up.

— There have a been a shitload of mass murders and y’all know that’s our jam.

— Only one of our members has been revealed as the granddaughter of an actual nazi soldier

— Nobody has smeared their shit on the walls in like forever.

— Made the QAnon Shaman a martyr for the Republican Party.

— We almost have a plan for the debt ceiling and by almost we mean we are totally fucked.

— Gym Jordan hasn’t seen a thing.

— And we now feel totally safe leaving Marjorie Taylor Greene alone with the livestock.

— Well shit. We spoke too soon on the last one.

Did you pick out the ones that are real? Pretty fucked up, right? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The Republican Party is staying quiet on the abortion pill ruling. Why? It’s their judge. It’s their platform. This is what they fucking wanted. So where are all the stories about their cowardice? More: CNN

Note three: We want to send love and support to Rep. Jennifer Wexton, who announced this morning she has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. The congresswoman says she is doing well and will continue working for Virginia. More: CNN

Note four: There have been a few stories about Melania in the news lately and we’d love to summarize them and tell you what they said and make jokes about them but we can’t because we’d rather pee in our own eyes than read one goddamn word about that human garbage. NO LINK

Note five: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but we just had to share this…

Note six: The president is going to Ireland. We’re guessing this is one trip he’s really excited about. More: CNN

Note seven: House Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer was on Fox and Friends this morning and asked if he has any evidence anyone in the Biden family broke any laws. He gave a really long answer that amounted to no. NO LINK

Note eight: Kari Lake, who is not governor of Arizona, is looking to run for the Senate. That sounds really good to us. More: CNN

Note nine: Her only announced opponent is a sheriff who doesn’t seem to care for Jewish people. So um what the fuck is going on with the Arizona Republican Party? More: Media Matters

Note 10: This is America.

Note 11: Speaking of which, did you see all the nauseating reports about the “star athlete” who murdered people in Louisville yesterday? Sick fucking people, man. Also, huge surprise but he used an AR-15. Maybe that’s more important than his varsity fucking letters. More: Daily News

Note 12: Sam watched “80 for Brady” this weekend. He laughed an embarrassing amount. Please don’t judge him.

Note 13: Alvin Bragg fired back at the House Republican scum who are attacking him yesterday. After Gym Jordan announced he’s going to hold a field hearing in New York next week to talk about violent crime, Bragg responded that Jordan should instead go check out the crime-ridden cities of Ohio. More: Business Insider

Note 14: Tennessee really seems to want to be known as the Hateful Bigot Asshole State. More: NBC

Note 15: Republicans fucked with the wrong people.

Note 16: Stephen Miller is testifying in DC today. So if you see someone draining blood from alley rodents, you’ll know who it is. NO LINK

Note 17: This story is written as a vile, hateful asshat apologized for being a vile, hateful asshat. But he later said he stands by all his remarks, including the vile, hateful, asshat shit he said. Seriously what the hell is wrong with these people? More: NBC

Note 18: What? A right-wing Republican in a shady deal with his intern? Shocking. More: Texas Tribune

Note 19: Let’s end on a happy note — right now the Black unemployment rate in America is the lowest on record. This is probably why Republicans are fine wrecking the economy, but to decent people, this is something to celebrate. More: AJC

Note 20: And on that positive note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week, and if not, we hope you’re cussing out who or whatever is giving you grief. If you need some back-up, let us know. We know some guys who are pretty good with an f-bomb. Love y’all!

Our kind of town

Dark Brandon just made it official — the 2024 Democratic convention will be in Chicago. Yeah, next August that’s where the party is. If we’re being honest, we thought Atlanta was the smart play given our recent successes there, but we love Chicago and this is gonna be fun.

More: NBC

So disappointed

You know how we found out last week that Clarence Thomas has been bribed for 25 years by a billionaire GOP donor who collects Nazi shit? Well don’t worry. Senate Democrats are on the case. Except they’re not. Because he’s a chickenweasel, Dick Durbin and the Senate Judiciary Committee responded to the shocking news by writing John Roberts a letter asking him to investigate. That’s the same John Roberts who just gave his right-wing judges a pass on the Dobbs leak. We are endlessly critical of Durbin and shit like this is why. He’s a weakling. Blue slips are slowing down confirmations, Biden hasn’t even nominated someone for a vacancy on the Fifth Circuit and now this. We could’ve had Sheldon Whitehouse.

More: CNBC

Wow

We see a lot of videos about politics, but the videos of Tennessee state Rep. Justin Jones walking with the people of Nashville — from the city council meeting where he was reinstated to the Capitol where he returned to where he belongs — took our damn breath away. Tennessee Republicans really fucked up when they made these men stars. Because they have done something powerful — they have inspired people. Thank you to Rep. Jones for his triumphant return yesterday and for giving voice to the voiceless. It is our hope and expectation that the good people of Memphis will soon be sending Rep. Justin Pearson back as well.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Donald Trump is planning to fight an order for former Vice President Mike Pence to testify before the grand jury investigating the former president’s efforts to cling to power despite losing the 2020 presidential election, according to multiple news reports. More: HuffPost

The Biden administration is scrambling to assess and contain the fallout from a major leak of classified Pentagon documents that has rattled US officials, members of Congress and key allies in recent days. More: CNN

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