3.9.23 Trump wants to give Ukraine to Russia

Be advised: This newsletter has a cussing problem. But we’re fucking working on it.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are your fine asses this fine day? That’s great! Us. We’re doing well too. Sorta. We don’t know about y’all but we’re having a damn hard time wrapping our heads around the idea that Donald Trump is running for president, leading the Republican field and could damn well be president again. After all, he’s already releasing new policy proposals…

FLYING CARS?!!!! Motherfucker, we’re still waiting on your goddamn healthcare plan! Isn’t it great to be back watching shit-for-brains moron who thinks invisible planes are real and eclipses are to be stared at regaining his form? Here’s a pro-tip for a reporter — if some dumbfuck is running for president promising flying cars, you don’t write that up as a serious policy proposal. You write it up as some dumbfuck is running for president promising flying cars.

Buckle up, y’all. Dumb as fuck season is getting started. Have a blessed day.

Note two: Dark Brandon is in Philly today unveiling his budget. He wants to take $3 trillion off the deficit in 10 years and he wants a universal cap on insulin. He’s fighting for Americans. Republicans are fighting for the flying cars guy. More: NPR

Note three: Right now Gym Jordan and the twitter files stooges are making fools of themselves and Del. Stacey Plaskett is eating their lunch. The only people taking this stupid shit seriously work at Fox and Politico. NO LINK

Note four: Trump lawyer Jenna Ellis has been sanctioned for being a miserable goddamn liar. As of this morning, she was still lying about it. More: CNN

Note five: This isn’t even what we meant when we said Tennessee can’t stop embarrassing itself…

Note six: How did the House GOP Covid hearing go yesterday? Well one of their witnesses started out by explaining to the committee how not racist one of his books is. Sounds like a serious guy, a serious party and a serious investigation. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Remember Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman? We don’t either. But after many years of fucking around, those guys are very much in the finding out stage of life. More: Law & Crime

Note eight: Sarah Huckabee Sanders has always been a trashy idiot. But now she’s a trashy idiot trying to send children to work in meat-packing factories. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY?!!! More: CNN

Note nine: There’s a Senate hearing right now on the East Palestine train derailment. They’re trying to figure out why this is the first of thousands of derailments anyone gave a shit about. We kid. More: HuffPost

Note 10: So this Matt Schlapp stuff is at the point of us deciding to not make jokes about it because it’s fucking awful…

Note 11: Mitch McConnell was hospitalized after falling last night. We’re not gonna make fun of that. We can’t bring ourselves to wish him well either. More: AP

Note 12: Most Americans find the war on woke to be as idiotic as we do. That’s encouraging. More: USA Today

Note 13: Republicans are going after the Jan. 6 committee, Tucker is still lying every damn night and they’re planning a CODEL to the fucking jail. If they want to be the party of assaulting the police, that’s fine by us. More: NBC

Note 14: The Republican Party is also now pro-teen pregnancy. Lauren Boebert is the face of this movement. Yes, that is an extremely fucked up development. Boebert really is just a shitty reboot of Sarah Palin. More: Newsweek

Note 15: Maybe the best thing you’ll see this week. When someone says “tough guy” like that, you don’t fuck with them.

Note 16: Trump is looking for a woman to be his running mate. He’s worried Kari Lake wouldn’t be loyal. Seems like a legit worry. More: Axios

Note 17: Merrick Garland’s DOJ finally did something important yesterday by issuing its report on the abuses and culture of the Louisville Metro Police Department. How the fuck do you reform this? More: WLKY

Note 18: McCarthy made Marjorie Speaker Pro Tempore yesterday. We’re not gonna show you the pics or the video because it is seriously just too fucking depressing. The good news is all Democrats everywhere can now run against MTG as the face of the GOP. Thanks!

Note 19: Elections are about contrast. Republicans are the party keeping child marriage legal in West Virginia. We’re the party that is calling that an insanely fucked up thing to do. Although this does seem like something Manchin would support because he’s just that terrible. More: HuffPost

Note 20: Here’s the B-52s singing Rock Lobster. Mostly because we don’t want to end on that West Virginia note.

Note 21: Now that you’re dancing, let’s go do some news! We hope this week has been good to you, SPs. And if it hasn’t, then fuck it because this week is almost over. Love y’all!

Wolverines!

Michigan went blue, and now it’s healing. With unified control of the state government, Michigan Democrats have repealed right-to-work, expanded background checks for guns and codified the rights of our LGBTQ+ friends. This is why elections matter. We can make real and powerful change when we’ve got the votes to do so. Looking good, Michigan!

More: NY Times

What the effing fuck?

So a lot of red states have just fucking lost it this year, and Tennessee is running ahead of the pack. Yesterday the statehouse passed a bill that would allow someone to not perform a marriage for gay, interracial or interfaith couples if the clerk doesn’t approve. Say this about the Republican Party — they are really not hiding who or what they are anymore.

More: New Republic

He gets along with Putin

So Trump has been saying for months that if he was still president and not some scumbag being a scumbag in South Florida then he never would’ve allowed the Russian attack on Ukraine to happen. Well now we know his plan — he would give Putin whatever he wants. Oh and when he told this to Fox, they edited it out…

Today’s clips

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.), in an impassioned speech on the House floor Wednesday, attacked Republicans for their “shocking nihilism about what’s true and what’s false” as he ripped revisionist mischaracterizations of the Capitol riot. More: HuffPost

The US and its allies have blocked or seized more than $58 billion worth of assets owned or controlled by sanctioned Russians in the past year as Western governments continue to dial up the pressure over the Kremlin’s invasion of Ukraine, according to a joint statement from a multinational sanctions enforcement task force. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.