3.9.23 Trump wants to give Ukraine to Russia
It’s Thursday. There are 607 days until the presidential election. Michigan is healing, Tennessee embarrasses itself and Trump wants to give Ukraine to Russia.
Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
March 09, 2023
Be advised: This newsletter has a cussing problem. But we’re fucking working on it.
Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are your fine asses this fine day? That’s great! Us. We’re doing well too. Sorta. We don’t know about y’all but we’re having a damn hard time wrapping our heads around the idea that Donald Trump is running for president, leading the Republican field and could damn well be president again. After all, he’s already releasing new policy proposals…
"Develop flying cars" 😆 https://t.co/5P7Ly0GltV
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar)
Mar 9, 2023
FLYING CARS?!!!! Motherfucker, we’re still waiting on your goddamn healthcare plan! Isn’t it great to be back watching shit-for-brains moron who thinks invisible planes are real and eclipses are to be stared at regaining his form? Here’s a pro-tip for a reporter — if some dumbfuck is running for president promising flying cars, you don’t write that up as a serious policy proposal. You write it up as some dumbfuck is running for president promising flying cars.
Buckle up, y’all. Dumb as fuck season is getting started. Have a blessed day.
Note two: Dark Brandon is in Philly today unveiling his budget. He wants to take $3 trillion off the deficit in 10 years and he wants a universal cap on insulin. He’s fighting for Americans. Republicans are fighting for the flying cars guy. More: NPR
Note three: Right now Gym Jordan and the twitter files stooges are making fools of themselves and Del. Stacey Plaskett is eating their lunch. The only people taking this stupid shit seriously work at Fox and Politico. NO LINK
Note four: Trump lawyer Jenna Ellis has been sanctioned for being a miserable goddamn liar. As of this morning, she was still lying about it. More: CNN
Note five: This isn’t even what we meant when we said Tennessee can’t stop embarrassing itself…
NEW: Lt. Governor Randy McNally was caught frequently commenting on another man's suggestive Instagram photos from his verified account.
His press team says "he has no intention of stopping."
@NC5 https://t.co/0d4nSnL8we— Hunter Hoagland (@HunterHoagland)
Mar 9, 2023
Note six: How did the House GOP Covid hearing go yesterday? Well one of their witnesses started out by explaining to the committee how not racist one of his books is. Sounds like a serious guy, a serious party and a serious investigation. More: HuffPost
Note seven: Remember Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman? We don’t either. But after many years of fucking around, those guys are very much in the finding out stage of life. More: Law & Crime
Note eight: Sarah Huckabee Sanders has always been a trashy idiot. But now she’s a trashy idiot trying to send children to work in meat-packing factories. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY?!!! More: CNN
Note nine: There’s a Senate hearing right now on the East Palestine train derailment. They’re trying to figure out why this is the first of thousands of derailments anyone gave a shit about. We kid. More: HuffPost
Note 10: So this Matt Schlapp stuff is at the point of us deciding to not make jokes about it because it’s fucking awful…
Herschel Walker staffer Carlton Huffman comes forward publicly and breaks his silence, detailing allegations that he was sexually assaulted by CPAC Chair Matt Schlapp. https://t.co/2Vz10OU19D
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski)
Mar 9, 2023
Note 11: Mitch McConnell was hospitalized after falling last night. We’re not gonna make fun of that. We can’t bring ourselves to wish him well either. More: AP
Note 12: Most Americans find the war on woke to be as idiotic as we do. That’s encouraging. More: USA Today
Note 13: Republicans are going after the Jan. 6 committee, Tucker is still lying every damn night and they’re planning a CODEL to the fucking jail. If they want to be the party of assaulting the police, that’s fine by us. More: NBC
Note 14: The Republican Party is also now pro-teen pregnancy. Lauren Boebert is the face of this movement. Yes, that is an extremely fucked up development. Boebert really is just a shitty reboot of Sarah Palin. More: Newsweek
Note 15: Maybe the best thing you’ll see this week. When someone says “tough guy” like that, you don’t fuck with them.
We're in a new era of labor.
Teamsters President @TeamsterSOB refuses to take disrespect from Republican Senator Markwayne Mullin in front of the Senate today.
Because unions are ready to fight back. via @People4Bernie https://t.co/CYE1SHSbZ7
— More Perfect Union (@MorePerfectUS)
Mar 8, 2023
Note 16: Trump is looking for a woman to be his running mate. He’s worried Kari Lake wouldn’t be loyal. Seems like a legit worry. More: Axios
Note 17: Merrick Garland’s DOJ finally did something important yesterday by issuing its report on the abuses and culture of the Louisville Metro Police Department. How the fuck do you reform this? More: WLKY
Note 18: McCarthy made Marjorie Speaker Pro Tempore yesterday. We’re not gonna show you the pics or the video because it is seriously just too fucking depressing. The good news is all Democrats everywhere can now run against MTG as the face of the GOP. Thanks!
Note 19: Elections are about contrast. Republicans are the party keeping child marriage legal in West Virginia. We’re the party that is calling that an insanely fucked up thing to do. Although this does seem like something Manchin would support because he’s just that terrible. More: HuffPost
Note 20: Here’s the B-52s singing Rock Lobster. Mostly because we don’t want to end on that West Virginia note.
Note 21: Now that you’re dancing, let’s go do some news! We hope this week has been good to you, SPs. And if it hasn’t, then fuck it because this week is almost over. Love y’all!
Wolverines!
Michigan went blue, and now it’s healing. With unified control of the state government, Michigan Democrats have repealed right-to-work, expanded background checks for guns and codified the rights of our LGBTQ+ friends. This is why elections matter. We can make real and powerful change when we’ve got the votes to do so. Looking good, Michigan!
More: NY Times
What the effing fuck?
So a lot of red states have just fucking lost it this year, and Tennessee is running ahead of the pack. Yesterday the statehouse passed a bill that would allow someone to not perform a marriage for gay, interracial or interfaith couples if the clerk doesn’t approve. Say this about the Republican Party — they are really not hiding who or what they are anymore.
More: New Republic
He gets along with Putin
So Trump has been saying for months that if he was still president and not some scumbag being a scumbag in South Florida then he never would’ve allowed the Russian attack on Ukraine to happen. Well now we know his plan — he would give Putin whatever he wants. Oh and when he told this to Fox, they edited it out…
"I could've made a deal to take over something, there are certain areas that are Russian-speaking areas, frankly, but you could've worked a deal." - Donald Trump.
The perfect idea to inspire dictators all over the world to invade other countries and have never-ending wars. https://t.co/L3O76we90U
— Anton Gerashchenko (@Gerashchenko_en)
Mar 8, 2023
Today’s clips
Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.), in an impassioned speech on the House floor Wednesday, attacked Republicans for their “shocking nihilism about what’s true and what’s false” as he ripped revisionist mischaracterizations of the Capitol riot. More: HuffPost
The US and its allies have blocked or seized more than $58 billion worth of assets owned or controlled by sanctioned Russians in the past year as Western governments continue to dial up the pressure over the Kremlin’s invasion of Ukraine, according to a joint statement from a multinational sanctions enforcement task force. More: CNN
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