3.8.24 Mission accomplished

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity, which comes in handy when you want to say “fuck yeah, Joe!”

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots. Do anything fun last night? Yeah, us too. We don’t ever want to sound like Trumpish fan boys, but Joseph Robinette Biden totally fucking crushed it last night. It’s probably safe to say we were all hoping Dark Brandon would rock that speech last night and he very much did. He took it right at the Trump Republican Party and forcefully defended his record while proudly promoting it, forcing dishonest pundits and reporters everywhere to clutch their pearls when they should have been writing apologies.

It’s on, y’all. This general election is happening. It’s real. It’s Biden vs Trump and we’re ridin’ with Biden. Also Trump is a scumbag. And that’s why we had to take out Truth Social last night.

Lol yeah it was us. Even though we can barely work our own phones, we totally figured out how to hack the internet and we shut down Trump’s social media site. Yep, we’re the Deep State. The two of us, our friend Kyle and one of Adam’s dogs. We’re totally badass hackers now. There was even one part where Sam was hanging from the ceiling by a wire like Tom Cruise in the first Mission Impossible. Nah we’re just fucking with you. Trump probably just didn’t pay the electric bill or some shit. How hilarious is it that his site went down though? We almost pissed ourselves when we heard it.

Anyway, major kudos to Dark Brandon for doing the damn thing. Thanks to Biden’s home run and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s shit-covered buffoonery, the American people got a very clear picture of the contrast in this election. And goddamn the choice should be obvious. Yall have a blessed day.

Note two: Do you love TBS? Awww that’s so nice to hear. Well you’re gonna love This Week’s Big Stuff, our cussing weekly roundup podcast. And by subscribing you help keep this foul-mouthed newsletter keep cussing. This week, Sam and Adam have a message for far lefties who think Trump would be better than Biden. It’s not a nice message. More: Patreon

Note three: We waited until the third note to start making fun of Katie Britt. It took a lot of restraint. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!!! Even Republicans hate it and they drink livestock medicine and worship an idiot gameshow host. More: HuffPost

Note four: We don’t know about y’all, but we could watch Biden work the Capitol and chum it up with his old pals for hours. It’s charming, hilarious and a little terrifying watching him on a hot mic.

Note five: So seriously WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

Note six: Republicans are big mad that Biden called out a broken and corrupt Supreme Court to their faces. We fucking stood up and cheered. More: NBC

Note seven: We sure hope everyone noticed that the GOP didn’t stand and cheer for protecting IVF. Or for curing cancer. Maybe they just want us all to die childless. More: Time

Note eight: We thought the president was especially strong when he was taking on Putin. He said “I will not bow down” and Mike Johnson had to fight the urge to shout “I will!” More: PBS

Note nine: Speaking of Johnson, if Republicans were hoping to show people that they are smug out-of-touch assholes who only care about pleasing Trump, then they had the perfect little shit sitting behind Biden. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Congrats to Mayor Pete on becoming a meme…

Note 11: Don’t forget to spring forward this weekend. Yeah, we made it and the darkness is fading. We sure hope to someday write a similar sentence about democracy. More: Dispatch

Note 12: While Biden was preparing for the SOTU yesterday a judge was ordering Trump to pay up to the woman he raped and defamed. More: NPR

Note 13: Speaking of the orange rapist, are we seriously gonna give that motherfucker classified briefings again? More: NBC

Note 14: Like most normal people, we totally forgot Pudding Fingers DeSantis existed. But it’s nice to know he’s still losing. His Stop Woke bullshit was found unconstitutional by a Trumpy court. Because it’s pretty fucking obvious. More: AP

Note 15: It wasn’t just us who thought Biden brought the goods last night. Pretty much everyone who isn’t in the Trump cult or a political reporter loved it.

Note 16: Trump tried to sue Christopher Steele over the pee tape stuff. He lost. And now he has to pay the guy’s legal fees. More: AP

Note 17: Speaking of legal fees, the pathetic losers in the Senate GOP say it’s just fine to use RNC funds to bail Trump out. We’re so glad Joe Biden never asks us to pay for his lawyers. More: HuffPost

Note 18: They seriously had Katie Britt speaking from a kitchen. More: The Hill

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and today’s happy note is us welcoming Sweden to NATO. We’re sure the Swedes have been waiting anxiously for us to say something. Good job to Putin on making NATO stronger and bigger than it’s ever been. What an asshole. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a great week. We’ll be out next week for Spring Break, so you’ll need to do some cussing on your own. If you need any help, just shoot us an email. Love y’all!

Seriously?!

We really hesitated to give this asshole any attention, but we figured America should see the contrast. Yeah, while Joe Biden was showing the world what Democrats stand for, George Santos was reminding everyone who Republicans really are. Santos, who was booted from Congress, showed up at the State of the Union and announced he’s going to run for Congress again. Folks, this is the Republican Party.

More: CNN

Mission accomplished

They’re calling Joe Biden’s performance feisty and angry. They sure as hell ain’t calling it sleepy. After years of telling us that Joe Biden was too old and too tired to be president, reporters and Republicans were scrambling Thursday night and Friday morning to come up with new adjectives. We’ve gone over this a lot, but the bottom line is Joe Biden brought the heat and proved that he is up for this. Now let’s help that sweet motherfucker win this election.

More: HuffPost

Jobs!

In his State of the Union, Joe Biden said America has the strongest economy in the world. He was right. And to put an exclamation point on that, we got another super hot jobs report today. Last month the economy added 275,000 jobs and the employment rate remained below 4 percent. That’s now two fucking years below 4 percent. After a once-in-a-century pandemic. Holy cow! We’ve got a great story to tell, y’all. So let’s go fucking tell it!

More: MarketWatch

Today’s clips

A group of protesters calling for a cease-fire in the war in Gaza on Thursday gathered near the White House and the U.S. Capitol ahead of President Joe Biden’s State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress to show their opposition to the president’s handling of the ongoing conflict. More: HuffPost

Donald Trump is wasting little time putting his imprint on the Republican Party just days after becoming its presumptive presidential nominee. As the Republican National Committee meets here Friday for its spring meeting, members are set to elevate Trump’s endorsed candidates – North Carolina GOP chairman Michael Whatley and the former president’s daughter-in-law, Lara Trump – to serve as the organization’s new chair and co-chair, respectively. More: CNN