3.7.24 You’re welcome, America

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity because American politics are all fucked up.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Who here likes Dr. Seuss? Yeah, that’s what we thought. Well you’re gonna hate this. Because we’re updating a classic. You’ve heard of Yertle the Turtle. But have you ever heard the story of Yertle the Pathetic Ass-Kissing Loser Turtleman? We didn’t think so.

You see, Yertle is a sad joke of a tortoise man. For many years, he was King Yertle of the shit pond and other turtles feared him and kissed his ass as he plundered the kingdom, quietly promoted anti-turtle racism and even stole a seat on the Turtle Supreme Court. But then a giant orange pig man moved in and started fucking up Yertle’s life. He sent other pigs to attack Yertle’s home and he went to pig social media to attack Yertle’s wife.

And Yertle just took it all like the unbelievably gutless wimp that he is. But there was still room for one last humiliation and yesterday, Yertle shat his shell and then announced that he was endorsing the giant orange pig man to be president, making Yertle the most pathetic loser in turtle history.

So anyway, fuck Mitch McConnell. And our deepest apologies to Dr. Seuss. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Wanna see something REALLY fucked up?! Man, Republicans sure hate women. Who’s ready to help Josh Stein win in North Carolina?

Note three: No Labels sucks. They really suck. And they’re going to get us all killed. Hey, No Labels, stop being bitter assholes! More: AP

Note four: A former congressional candidate who Trump endorsed just turned himself in after being wanted for murder. So say hello to the next Attorney General if Trump wins. More: 8 News Now

Note five: Anyone want to answer this for Buttlick McGee here?

Note six: Elon Musk said he’s not going to any presidential campaign. But he didn’t say shit about covering legal bills or giving to PACs. Also, he’s a deranged fucking liar. More: NBC

Note seven: Kentucky Republicans have lost their minds. Oops sorry. They never had any to lose. What a bunch of freaks. More: AP

Note eight: Joe Biden is a good man, and it was nice of him to spend yesterday welcoming Nikki Haley’s supporters and the three people who voted for Dan Phillips into the fold. More: The Hill

Note nine: Trump’s message to Nikki Haley and her voters wasn’t as welcoming. Shocking, right? More: Business Insider

Note 10: We sure hope America is listening to these crazy fuckers…

Note 11: Zelensky and the Greek prime minister were almost killed by Putin yesterday. Well Putin and the Republican Party. More: CNN

Note 12: The Supreme Court is now going to hear oral arguments on Trump’s bullshit immunity claim on April 25. So yeah they’re gonna drag this out as long as they can. More: CNN

Note 13: We have no idea why Katie Porter is calling the election she lost “rigged” but it needs to stop. Talking like Trump is never a good idea. More: The Hill

Note 14: Kathy Hochul sent National Guard troops to search bags in the New York subway. Remember when she tried to appoint an anti-choice judge? Why do so many New York Democrats end up acting like Republicans? More: AP

Note 15: We’re starting to think the candyman isn’t on the level…

Note 16: So this story is about how Larry Hogan won’t vote for Trump or Biden. The real story is that at the same event, Hogan refused to say he would codify Roe. The media will call him a moderate. They’ll be lying. More: Axios

Note 17: You should watch this story on Kate Cox. Everyone should. More: CNN

Note 18: We hope y’all don’t get too mad at us, but we’re going on Spring Break next week. The pod will still come out for subscribers, but we figured after Super Tuesday and SOTU, we should probably take a little break so we stay fresh.

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note. But today we’re gonna end on a creepy one. This RFK fella sure doesn’t seem like good people.

Note 20: And on that super creepy note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week. And we hope you’re tuning in for Joe’s big speech tonight. We can’t wait to see what dumb shit Republicans do to remind everyone they’re not serious people. Love y’all!

You’re welcome, America

So the government ain’t shutting down this week thanks to Democrats. Again. Yesterday the House passed $460 billion in spending bills with mostly Democratic votes, and it will likely get through the Senate and signed by Biden before tomorrow’s deadline. We’re glad Democrats are being responsible and smart, but maybe we should let these Republican fuckers show everyone just how incompetent they are.

More: CNN

Bye, Dan

Well, the good news is we don’t have to learn this sonofabitch’s name. Yeah, Dan/Doug/Deebo/Dean Phillips announced yesterday he was suspending his joke of a presidential campaign. And he was actually really classy about it. And so was Joe Biden. So we’re not gonna throw dirt on this dude’s grave. Instead we’ll just ask what the hell was he thinking?!

More: ABC

Go Joe!

Tonight is the big one. It’s the State of the Union. And we’re all pretty much agreed that Joe Biden needs to absolutely fucking crush it. Biden certainly has the issues to work with. He’s built a great economy, his opponents are Russia-loving traitors and he stands with women and protecting their rights. Expect to see Democrats talk a lot about Roe and about IVF tonight. The Bidens even invited Kate Cox to be their guest. Republicans should be on defense. That starts tonight. And don’t miss this hilarious video the White House released this morning.

Today’s clips

Last month was the planet’s hottest February on record, marking the ninth month in a row that global records tumbled, according to new data from Copernicus, the European Union’s climate monitoring service. More: CNN

Hamas said Thursday that its delegation has left Cairo and that talks on a Gaza cease-fire and hostage release will resume next week, making it extremely unlikely that mediators will broker a deal before the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. More: HuffPost

An Alabama woman seeking in vitro fertilization, Swedish Prime Minister Ulf Kristersson and United Auto Workers president Shawn Fain are among those headed to the US Capitol Thursday evening as President Joe Biden is set to deliver a high-stakes State of the Union address. More: CNN