3.6.24 Whoa, Joe!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Super Tuesday turned into What the Fuck Wednesday.

Note: Whooooo boy, Sexy Patriots! Have we got a shit-ton of news to get through today. But before we dive in, we just want to take a second to say farewell to Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema who announced yesterday she isn’t running for re-election.

Bye.

Welp that should do it. We were gonna go with kiss our asses, fuck off or a classic don’t-let-the-door-hit-ya-where-the-good-lord-split-ya but that all just seemed like more than she was worth. So bye, asshole. Thanks for fucking up a lot of good shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you’d like to read more about the trash who did a little dance when she gave a thumbs down to raising the minimum wage, we recommend this one. And if you’re not already supporting Ruben Gallego, this is a good time to start unless you want to hear the words “Senator Kari Lake.” More: TPM

Note three: It’s astonishing that a major political party made this bigoted holocaust-denying pig its nominee to be governor. Y’all ready to win North Carolina? Let’s go, Josh Stein! More: HuffPost

Note four: Has Doug Phillips dropped out yet? No? What about Dean?

Note five: Y’all. So, um, we really need to help Josh Stein win in North Carolina.

Note six: Btw, the New York Times did a story about Mark Robinson today and just totally forgot to mention his holocaust denialism. Probably just an oversight, right?

Note seven: Bob Menendez got hit with a dozen more criminal charges yesterday. It’s long past time for that motherfucker to go. See what we did there, Republicans? You don’t have to kiss criminal ass just because it's wearing the same color jersey as you. More: NBC

Note eight: Hey, America Samoa, what’s your fucking problem? Actually don’t tell us. It’s probably something real and we just exposed our ignorance. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Who wants to see Colin Allred beat Ted Cruz? Yeah, us too. More: NBC

Note 10: Anyone acting like Trump is invincible is full of shit.

Note 11: MAGA Mike Johnson is bringing Evan Gershkovich’s parents to the State of the Union. Do they not know that their host is currently kissing the ass of the Russian dictator who kidnapped their son? More: Axios

Note 12: The Bidens invited Yulia Navalnaya, Alexei Navalny’s widow, to the SOTU. Unlike Mikey, Biden is actually against Putin and his evil bullshit. More: Independent

Note 13: Wanna see something hilarious? Twitter bro Jack Dorsey said he would give RFK Jr’s PAC $5 million and then changed his mind. LOL. More: Mediaite

Note 14: If you’re having a hard day, just remember that neither Krysten Sinema nor Joe Manchin will be in the US Senate anymore after this year. Like fucking prozac, right?

Note 15: Did you vote? Are you going to? Because this sexist piece of shit scumbag is.

Note 16: Gym Jordan’s committee is gonna go back to trying to rewrite the history of Jan. 6 this week. Michael Fanone will be on hand to call bullshit. Fanone is going to be busy.

Note 17: LOLOL!!! Marjorie Taylor Greene doesn’t like questions about Jewish space lasers.

Note 18: We’ll talk more about Nikki Haley in a sec but first we wanted to say thank you to Vermont Republicans for embarrassing Trump. More: The Hill

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, and it seems like a happy thing for us when the sleaze at Liberty University have a bad day. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a lovely week. Super Tuesday is behind us, and it’s time to get to work. Let’s go save America again. Love y’all!

Whoa, Joe!

So now that we know Joe Biden is gonna be the Democratic presidential nominee — and we kinda figured that for a while now — it’s damn good to see what a massive fundraising operation he and his team are running. Biden has enjoyed a huge advantage over Trump for a while now, and Brandon’s campaign just announced its best month ever. In February, the campaign raised $42 million. Wow! Thank you so much to each and every one of you who made this happen. And we’re gonna need it. Maybe because of the shithead we’re getting ready to talk about.

More: CNN

Two butts of a feather

We really wish we had been joking yesterday when we showed y’all that long list of people and places that we’re running against this year. But we weren’t. And yeah, we were smart to put Elon Musk on there. The New York Times reported Tuesday evening that Trump met with Musk and other rich Republican assholes and Musk could help Trump with both money and audience. Yeah, this is gross and sucky. And not at all surprising. Fuck Elon and motherfuck Donald Trump.

More: NY Times

Later, Nikki

Well it was fun while it lasted. Nikki Haley is reportedly gonna suspend her campaign today. She only won DC and Vermont but she won a tiny little bit of respect from us along the way. Like a really tiny bit. After all she did say she would pardon Trump and wants a national abortion ban. But she made orangey sweat and we like that shit. So later, Nikki. Thanks for making it fun.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Massachusetts Air National Guardsman Jack Teixeira agreed Monday that he caused one of the most extraordinary leaks of national defense secrets in years and agreed to accept a prison sentence of 16 years -- what could be the longest sentence in an unlawful retention case. More: ABC

California was the first state in the nation to have two women senators. Next year, it won’t have any. More: Politico