3.4.24 Big week!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it accidentally watched Meet the Press. Fuck!

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are ya? We sure hope you had a great and restful weekend. And by that we mean we hope you didn’t spend the last two days peeing yourselves over a crap New York Times poll that shows Donald Trump as some sort of unstoppable juggernaut based on some seriously questionable methodology…

Exactly. But since this is how America works now — a major news organization does a bad poll, acts like it’s fact and then bases everything on that — we’ve decided to get in on it. So we commissioned a poll of seven guys named MAGA Larry and asked them if they think Americans should start using their faces as butts and their butts as faces from now on. And since three of the Larrys said yes after huffing some shit they found under the kitchen sink, then from now on we’re going to act like all Americans are eating with their asses and crapping out of their mouths.

Hey we don’t make the rules. The New York Times does. So welcome to the world of mouth pooping. You’re gonna hate it. And today for lunch you’re gonna want to cut up your food into tiny pieces so it goes in easier when you shove it up your ass. Be careful with the fork.

Is all of this unbelievably stupid? Yes, yes it is. So maybe our political press should stop doing this dumb and dangerous shit before they get more people killed and democracy ends up at the bottom of a dumpster. Or they can just keep shitting out of their mouths. We doubt we’ll notice a difference. Y’all have a blessed day.

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Note two: HUGE news this weekend as VP Harris used part of her trip to Selma, Alabama to call for a ceasefire in Gaza. Harris, who was in ‘Bama to commemorate Bloody Sunday, called for Hamas to release the hostages and for a ceasefire that lasts at least six weeks. This is what we need to see. Way too many innocent people are dying. Way too many. More: Axios

Note three: Nikki Haley actually won a primary! It was probably because Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski endorsed her. JK! More: CNN, The Hill

Note four: In other Haley news this weekend — and we have no idea why we put this meaningless shit so high up in today’s newsletter — she said she might not endorse Trump. Spoiler alert — she will definitely endorse Trump. More: HuffPost

Note five: Trump endorsed Lauren Boebert this weekend. Insert your own Beetlejuice joke here. More: HuffPost

Note six: It’s hard to adequately describe what a red hat fucking shitshow the mainstream media is these days. But hey, it’s not like we really need them at this crucial moment anyway, right?!

Note seven: Here’s a write-up of that NYT poll if you want to freak yourself the hell out. But we don’t recommend it. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Want to see how destructive and completely full of shit No Labels is? Read this. More: CNN

Note nine: Even Joe Manchin thinks No Labels are some spoiler assholes. Joe Manchin. Do you know how fucking horrible you have to be to to give Joe Manchin the fucking high road over you?! More: The Hill

Note 10: Speaking of Manchin, this was awesome. And accurate.

Note 11: Trump is meeting with Orban this week because everything is just totally fucked up and the world’s dictator assholes are bestest friends. More: Reuters

Note 12: Kari Lake just changed her abortion position. If you believe her bullshit, you might also believe that she’s actually governor of Arizona. More: Salon

Note 13: We want to take a second to salute the thousands of Russians who came out to mourn Navalny. It takes courage to do that in that country. The kind of courage Republicans in this country don’t understand. More: AP

Note 14: The Department of Education is investigating how the school district handled the harassment of Nex Benedict. Good. More: CNN

Note 15: We’re starting to think this batshit crazy con artist might be a batshit crazy con artist.

Note 16: Remember Republican Sen. Ben Sasse? We don’t either. But he’s the president of the University of Florida now and he just fired every single DEI person at the school because Ron DeSantis is a garbage human being. More: NBC

Note 17: One reason Trump should be afraid? DOCTOR Jill Biden is calling his ass out. More: CNN

Note 18: Axios published a story today about how Trump is moving on from personal grudges and not talking about rigged elections anymore. Except he’s still doing both of those things. So yeah, Axios is fucking lying and the press is back to trading democracy for book deals. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 19: Y’all know we love to end on a happy note, and today’s happy note is of course about Iowa basketball star Caitlin Clark passing Pistol Pete Maravich to become the all-time Division I leading scorer. Just an amazing accomplishment. Congrats, Caitlin! More: ESPN

Note 20: And on that awesome fucking note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have an awesome week. And just in case our sarcasm wasn’t obvious, please don’t try to eat with your butt today. Love y’all!

Department of what now?!

Republicans already stripped basic human rights from millions of women, prioritized rapists over women and hurt lots of families by fucking with IVF. And they’re just getting started. Trump’s allies at the Heritage Foundation want the Health and Human Services Department to become a “Department of Life.” We wish we were making this shit up, but unfortunately it’s real. The Trump campaign is playing coy and saying they haven’t endorsed this nightmare, but you can bet your ass it’s coming if orangey wins. We can’t say we haven’t been warned.

More: Axios

Just fucking do it

So we’re probably gonna hear from Trump’s Supreme Court today that it’s fine for him to be an insurrectionist and still be on the ballot in Colorado and other states even though those states prefer to follow the 14th amendment of the constitution and disqualify his treasonous ass. Why do we think they’re gonna fuck us on this? Mostly because this isn’t our first day here. But also because Colorado is voting tomorrow and if these assholes were serious about following the constitution, they probably wouldn’t have waited until the last goddamn minute to do it. So yeah, get ready for some more SCOTUS bullshit.

More: NBC

Big week!

Colorado ain’t the only state voting tomorrow. It’s Super Tuesday, y’all! More than a dozen states are about to vote in their primaries, and we just love that shit. Democracy gives us the feels. And that’s just the start of this crazy week in American politics because on Thursday, Joe Biden will deliver the State of the Union address to the nation. It’s a big one as POTUS gets a chance to make his case to a massive audience and remind everyone just how much the Trump party sucks butt. Let’s make this week count, everybody!

More: ABC

Today’s clips

U.S. military C-130 cargo planes dropped food in pallets over Gaza on Saturday in the opening stage of an emergency humanitarian assistance authorized by President Joe Biden after more than 100 Palestinians who had surged to pull goods off an aid convoy were killed during a chaotic encounter with Israeli troops. More: AP

Americans overwhelmingly think that in-vitro fertilization should be legal, according to a new CBS News/YouGov poll. More: Politico