3.3.23 Gym Jordan doesn’t seem very good at this

Be advised: How much profanity does this newsletter use? Somewhere between a shit-ton and a fuck-ton.

Note: Well, you sweet hot democracy lovers, we made it through the week. And we’re very excited to spend the next two days pretending like CPAC isn’t happening and trying like hell not to rubberneck at the grotesque orgy of stupid that will undoubtedly be unfolding there. Maybe we should take a vacation instead. How about Florida? What are those knuckleheads up to these days?

Oh hell no. No no no no no no no. Sexy Patriots, for the rest of today, please think of Today’s Big Stuff as Today’s Florida Bloggers (and Stuff). And as Florida bloggers, we’d like to say this…

Fuck Ron DeSantis. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck Ron DeSantis. Did you know he likes to smoke shit? Like actually smokes shit. Yep. He likes to take his own feces, put it in a pipe, put a lighter to it and smoke it. It’s how he becomes completely full of shit. Sometimes he rolls it up like a poop cigarette. He’s that fucking gross. He’s a shit-smoker. A horrid smell of burning crap that would make most people vomit is what turns him on. He’s a truly sick fucker. And even worse than that is he wants to destroy the First Amendment that allows us to make jokes about his disgusting shit-smoking ass. So yeah, fuck Ron DeSantis. And fuck his doody bong.

Signed — Your friendly neighborhood Florida bloggers

Note two: Doody bong is actually something we wrote down and sent to people. Proud day around here.

Note three: So it seems like the jury and judge got it right with this Murdaugh thing, right? Yikes. We’re sure CPAC is already reaching out to him. More: NBC

Note four: We’ve got a new show for you to watch — Daisy Jones and the Six on Amazon Prime is freaking awesome. We haven’t read the book and we’ve only seen the first two episodes, but highly recommend. But only if you like rock n’ roll.

Note five: What these red state legislatures are doing to trans kids and their families is just cruel. Karen Berg lost her trans child to suicide not long ago. Kentucky Republicans didn’t give a shit. Pure fucking evil.

Note six: Ugh. So we’re hitting a roadblock on judges, and that’s pretty much the only thing the Senate is doing. With Fetterman getting treated for depression and DiFi out with shingles, we’re doing a vote. Vice President Harris has already been to the Hill twice this week to break ties. Not good, y’all. More: NBC

Note seven: Well holy shit, people in North Carolina are finally getting some help with healthcare. Tar Heel State politicians finally worked out a deal to expand medicaid. Only took a fucking decade. More: CBS17

Note eight: LOL! Matt Gaetz says they don’t have the votes to impeach Mayorkas. The new House majority is really crushing it. And by it we mean our respect for the US House of Representatives. More: Washington Times

Note nine: So we’d call this fucked up, but that doesn’t really do it justice. Trump recorded a song with some Jan. 6 prisoners. They didn’t call it “We’re a bunch of scumbag fucking traitors” so we didn’t listen. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We’re the party reuniting kids with their families. This is the other side…

Note 11: So we’ve gotta take a second and be fucking pissed at Biden. By refusing to veto the Republican override of local DC laws, Biden has sent the message that Washingtonians can’t govern themselves. It’s a real kick in the teeth for a city that has been very supportive of the president. More: HuffPost

Note 12: So y’all know how much we hate Politico and that we’ve been boycotting them for a long time now. But this is important and needs to be shared. So fuck them but here’s a link… More: Politico

Note 13: Headlines these days are just a grab-bag of crazytown shitnuts words. Also, don’t buy dildos from nazis. It only encourages them. More: HuffPost

Note 14: The House Ethics Committee is finally taking a look at George Santos. They’re gonna look at AOC too because everything in the House is a goddamn joke. More: CNN

Note 15: Steven Spielberg is the GOAT. We should be listening to every last word he says here…

Note 16: Texas Republicans want to censure a Republican member of Congress because he voted for last year’s bipartisan gun safety bill after the massacre in Uvalde. Oh and Uvalde is in his district. More: Texas Tribune

Note 17: Georgia Republicans want control over prosecutors in the state. We’re guessing the Fulton County DA led them down this path. More: AJC

Note 18: Merrick Garland surprised us yesterday by not siding with Trump on something. DOJ says cops from Jan. 6 can sue the orange asshat. Must’ve been tough for Merrick to do. More: NBC

Note 19: Anyone feel like dancing this weekend?

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news and then go do some weekend. If you need us, we’ll just be Florida blogging until the weird little man in the high-heeled boots tries to start some shit. Love y’all!

Fuck Walgreens

So Walgreens has confirmed it will not sell abortion pills at its stores even in states where abortion is still legal. The pharmacy chain said that it is scared shitless of Republican AGs and will cower before them. We might be paraphrasing. Still, this is insanely fucked up and you should feel free to call or email them and let them know how you feel. Then take your business elsewhere. Fuck you, Walgreens.

More: CBS

Volunteer (to leave) State

We used to have a lot of love in our hearts for Tennessee. But after seeing how cruel and stupid it is to its own people, we’re having to rethink some things. Yesterday Gov. Bill Lee signed a bill restricting drag performances. What a fucked up bigoted bullshit thing to do. And they won’t be the last state to do it. The Republican Party stands for cruelty and discrimination. They keep telling us how much they hate Americans. Are we listening? Fuck Bill Lee.

More: CNN

LOLOL!!!!

So you won’t believe this, but Gym Jordan’s weaponization committee ain’t going so great. Thanks to House Democrats, we know that Jordan’s witnesses have been corrupt and deranged morons who don’t have any actual firsthand knowledge of corruption or bias but do have plenty of conspiracy theories and love for the Jan. 6 attack. Between Comer and Jordan, Republicans are absolutely shitting the bed and we can’t believe we’re saying this but we hope they keep going.

More: Rolling Stone, CNN

Today’s clips

Residents who say they’re still suffering from illnesses nearly a month after a train carrying toxic chemicals derailed in Ohio confronted the railroad’s operator Thursday at a town forum, demanding to know whether they’d be relocated from homes they’re afraid to live in.

“It’s not safe here,” said one man, staring straight at representatives of Norfolk Southern. “I’m begging you, by the grace of God, please get our people out of here.” More: HuffPost

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