3.31.23 Republicans are threatening America again

Be advised: This newsletter uses a lot of profanity. But today it’s in a really fucking happy way.

Note: Sexy Patriots, yesterday was a sad and somber day for America. Let us not spike the football and then do an elaborate celebration. Let us be totally cool and… LOLOL we couldn’t keep a straight face. FUCK YEAH Y’ALL THAT ORANGE PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT FINALLY GOT FUCKING INDICTED!!!!!!! WOOOOO-FUCKING-HOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Somber? Hell we shook our booties so hard last night Sam lost a goddamn buttcheek.

Yeah, it was a fucking party in decent America last night. Right? Did y’all shake a tailfeather? Cut loose? Get a little raunch? If not, you’re in luck. We’d like to officially invite you to the TBS Orange Asshead Got Indicted Yeah Motherfucker Dance Party. All you have to do is make sure you have a little space around you, click on the link below and shake that fine patriotic ass. We will of course be joining you.

Feels good, don’t it?! Yeah we know the backlash is always coming, but ain’t nobody stealing our joy from this shit. We’ve waited too goddamn long. That sick deranged evil piece of pig shit did irreparable harm to this country, rigged a court that stripped millions of women of basic human rights and launched an attack on our Capitol.

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKK HIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

Let’s listen to it again!!!! Shake it good, y’all!!!!

Note two: Btw, we uh totally got hacked yesterday and somebody totally said a bunch of mean and not true stuff about Alvin Bragg. We never doubted him for a second, and we apologize for the breech.

Note three: Don’t worry. We found Sam’s buttcheek. Still in perfect condition.

Note four: Alvin Bragg fired off a letter to House Republicans today accusing them of acting like Trump’s defense attorneys and telling them to butt out. If they were smart, they’d listen. So don’t expect them to listen. More: Bloomberg

Note five: Big thanks of course to Stormy Daniels for making this celebration possible and for constantly embarrassing the Trump fans who come for her.

Note six: We have no idea what Trump has been indicted for and the Washington Post editorial board is already saying he should be let go. What the fuck is the point of a free and independent press that’s this frightened and pathetic? NO LINK

Note seven: President Biden and Vice President Harris are both declining to comment on the indictment. And that’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be. More: Independent

Note eight: Can y’all believe George Soros made Trump have an affair with an adult actress and then pay her to cover it up during a presidential campaign? Yeah, we can’t either.

Note nine: Trump just put out a Truth Social attacking the judge assigned to his case. Smart. NO LINK

Note 10: Wanna see something purty?

Note 11: In other less encouraging news, Florida Republicans responded to the latest school shooting by passing a bill that allows concealed carry without a permit. Republicans are the party of school shooters, and we should be clear about that. More: NBC

Note 12: DOJ is suing Norfolk Southern, which Republicans no longer care about because it was always about attacking Secretary Pete and his family. More: CNBC

Note 13: MIKE PENCE SAID IN AN INTERVIEW LAST NIGHT HE SUPPORTS A NATIONWIDE SIX-WEEK ABORTION BAN. THE TRUMP INDICTMENT IS AWESOME BUT THIS IS THE SHIT WE HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED ON. NO LINK

Note 14: Sorry to yell.

Note 15: Lindsey Graham crying and begging for money on Fox is our favorite part of this so far…

Note 16: Ron DeSantis said he won’t honor any effort to extradite Trump from Florida. LOL. So after getting neutered by his orange daddy, Ron is now threatening to defy the constitution to make him happy. Doesn’t sound very presidential. More: Business Insider

Note 17: Things aren’t going great at CNN. But greatness rarely comes from kissing Republican ass. More: AP

Note 18: Dark Brandon is going to Mississippi today to comfort tornado victims because he didn’t fuck then pay off a porn star and he’s a good guy who actually gives a shit about Americans. More: AP

Note 19: This isn’t really indictment related, but if you live in Wisconsin, please go vote for Judge Janet. And then go find some friends to vote for her too.

Note 20: And on that helpful note, let’s go do the news and then go do this weekend. Be careful out there, y’all. The crazies are pooping themselves over their fallen god. Don’t let them poop you too. Whatever that means. Love y’all!

Yay Finland!

Putin invading Ukraine has got to be one of the all time foreign policy blunders. Dumbshit thought he was going to wreck NATO. Oops. Instead he just made it bigger. Yesterday we got the good news that Finland has been accepted as a member nation. Welcome to the party, Finland! Fuck off, Putin!

More: BBC

Thank you, Brandon

In a lengthy proclamation, President Joe Biden issued a statement on Trans Day of Visibility. It’s so damn reassuring to have a president who loves us. “Today, we show millions of transgender and nonbinary Americans that we see them, they belong and they should be treated with dignity and respect. Their courage has given countless others strength, but no one should have to be brave just to be themselves. Every American deserves that freedom.” Thank you, Mr. President.

More: Washington Blade

We ain’t scared

The domestic terrorist organization known as the Republican Party is reacting to their cult leader being indicted the same way they reacted to his losing an election — by threatening America. Marjorie Taylor Greene has already tweeted that she will be in New York protesting when Trump is arraigned on Tuesday. Josh Hawley keeps saying we will “regret this.” We’re sick of being threatened by this scum. And we refuse to be intimidated by it. So if you’re a Republican who wants to threaten America over your gameshow host king, please kiss our asses, then go eat shit, then kiss our asses some more and then go fuck yourself.

More: Forbes

Today’s clips

But on Rupert Murdoch’s Fox News, which had given the former president the cold shoulder since the January 6 attack, the network quickly pivoted into a stance reminiscent of years past: defending Trump at any cost and portraying the legal system as a deep-state, corrupt force in American society. More: CNN

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