3.30.23 Waiting for the orange bronco to make a run for it

3.20.23

It’s Monday. There are 596 days until the presidential election. Things are heating up in Georgia, Elon loves Putin and waiting for the orange bronco to make a run for it.

Be advised: This newsletter was bitten by a cussing werewolf so it cusses and is awesome.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Well that’s good to hear. Good for you for jumping all 27 busses. So impressive. Ours? It was pretty great. We watched the new episode of Ted Lasso, one of our favorite shows. Today Mr. Lasso and the rest of the cast are at the White House today to bring attention to the fact that the president is not an anti-social dickhead and to bring awareness to the need to take care of our mental health.

But Coach Theodore Lasso was not the only beloved American character to pop up on our radar screens this weekend. No, let’s not forget about Cousin Eddie from the National Lampoons’ Vacation movies who crawls out of his own filth from time to time to threaten the United States of America…

LOL. Fuck off, Cousin Eddie. America doesn’t enforce or not enforce the law because the goddamn Shitter Is Full Guy threatens us. How much shit under the kitchen sink do you have to drink before you start to believe you’re the heroic alcoholic from Independence Day? Seriously, kiss our asses, Ishmael from Kingpin. Justice is coming, and there’s nothing you or Kevin Sorbo can do to stop it. Whoever the fuck that is. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re still laughing about this. Are we supposed to be afraid of Cousin fucking Eddie?

Note three: Here’s a link to Maggie Haberman’s story about how Trump still has tons of power. We’re just kidding. We would never link to a steaming pile of horseshit like that. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note four: The New York Times did surprise us this weekend with a shocking expose about how Republicans convinced Iran to keep Americans hostage until Reagan won. It was a shocking betrayal, and it gives us real hope that the paper will do hard-hitting reporting on Trump 40 years from now. More: New York Times

Note five: Let’s check in on our old pal Rudy Giuliani, shall we? Since he got rid of the face shits we’re sure he’s not embarrassing himself anymore…

Note six: DeSantis sent in undercover agents to a drag show. They didn’t find anything “lewd.” DeSantis still wants to punish them. What would the coverage of DeSantis look like if political reporters stopped kissing his ass for five minutes? More: TampaBay.com

Note seven: Also, who else is Ron DeSantis having secretly recorded in the free state of Florida?

Note eight: We have to apologize for being so behind on returning emails — it’s one of our favorite things to do — but we loved your DeSantis nicknames from last week. We need to add a new one after watching him lick Trump’s boots this morning — Ron DeKissass.

Note nine: Can you believe George Soros made Trump cheat on his wife with an adult actress and then use campaign funds to shut her up?

Note 10: We kinda hope she keeps going. It’s been pretty fucking hilarious so far…

Note 11: It’s been 20 years since George W. Bush started an illegal war and invaded Iraq for bullshit reasons and that motherfucker is still free as a bird. More: NPR

Note 12: The MAGA crowd spent the weekend talking about forming a “patriot moat” of people around Mar-a-Lago to keep their hero from being arrested this week. This has strong Trump-boats-sinking energy to it and we heartily endorse.

Note 13: CNN would have you believe that the House Republican retreat this weekend was going to be about serious business until it got hijacked with Trump news. LOL. Yeah, ‘cuz otherwise they were gonna be super focused on policy. More: CNN

Note 14: With everything going to shit around us, it can be easy to forget that our planet is dying. More: NBC News

Note 15: America might get a tad nuts this week…

Note 16: More good news for Trump — his lawyers and E. Jean Carroll’s lawyers have agreed to combine the two rape defamation trials. Imagine being such a pig that you have two of these things that you need to combine. More: CNN

Note 17: Republicans — and Alan Dershowitz — spent the weekend arguing that Trump could still be president from prison. So things are going great for the Republican Party.

Note 18: This is an important look at how Republicans, the party of local control, have decided Black people shouldn’t be allowed to govern themselves. More: Inquirer.com

Note 19: Mike Pence went on ABC this weekend and refused to rule out endorsing Trump if he’s the nominee. To be fair, if he doesn’t endorse then Trump will probably try to have him killed. Again. More: Washington Examiner

Note 20: And on that embarrassing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you had a great weekend, SPs, because this week looks like it’s going to be fucking crazy. And you know TBS loves the crazy. And we love you too! Have a great day!

On our minds
With all eyes on New York, shit is getting real in Georgia. Following reports this morning that the Fulton County DA is considering RICO charges around Trump’s efforts to overturn the election there, Trump has filed a motion to have the DA and the judge removed. He’s accusing them of misconduct. Goddamnit if that ain’t hilarious. If there’s one thing that’s consistent about all of these cases it’s that Trump is freaking the fuck out because he’s a piece of shit who committed crimes against our country. More: CNN

Putin’s twitter
So Elon Musk continues to be a real peach. After becoming a full on Jan. 6 truther, Elon spent the weekend warning that Trump will “win in a landslide” if he’s indicted. Don’t worry. Elon doesn't know shit about politics. What he does know is how to be a corrupt asshole who sells out America. That’s why Russian bad actors were able to purchase blue checks and use them to pit Americans against each other over the East Palestine train derailment. How much longer can we ignore the security threat this dork represents? More: Associated Press

Are we really doing this?
Shit is getting hot in New York! Today Trump is sending a rebuttal witness to push back against Michael Cohen’s accusations. The move comes after a weekend in which Trump told the world he expects to be arrested on Tuesday. The important thing to remember here is Trump is a fucking liar so we don’t know when or if he’s getting arrested. Still, this is getting exciting. Anyone else unusually excited for a Tuesday? More: USA Today

Today’s clips

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) on Sunday said Jerome Powell should no longer chair the Federal Reserve following the collapse of two U.S. banks under his watch earlier this month. More:

Russian President Vladimir Putin welcomed Chinese leader Xi Jinping to the Kremlin on Monday, in a visit that sent a powerful message to Western leaders allied with Ukraine that their efforts to isolate Moscow have fallen short. More: Huff Post