3.29.24 The boys are back in town

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It just can’t fucking help it.

Note: Yay, Sexy Patriots! The weekend is here! Congratulations on making it through yet another week in America 2024. Things are kinda like the Hunger Games in this piece these days so give yourself a pat on the back. And then take that same hand and use it to give Trump the middle finger for pulling this shit…

Oh hell no he didn’t. But yeah he did. The orange slime went to New York yesterday for a cop’s funeral and then pretended to give a shit about cops, law and order and New York. At this time, we would like to remind the whole entire goddamn world that DONALD TRUMP LAUNCHED A VIOLENT ATTACK ON THE US CAPITOL THAT LEFT MULTIPLE LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES BATTLING DANGEROUS SCUM IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT FOR HOURS WHILE TRUMP WATCHED IT ALL ON TELEVISION AND DIDN’T DO JACK SHIT. We’d also like to remind you that 140 cops were injured, four later died and Trump didn’t give even the tiniest rat’s ass.

Through our anger, we tried to decide how to cover this. Then we remembered Officer Friendly. Remember him or her? The really nice cop who came to your elementary school and said don’t do drugs and cops aren’t all bad? It’s been a long time, but we called up Officer Friendly for an interview…

So yeah, that went about like we thought it would. Guess he ain’t too friendly when it comes to treasonous criminal shitbags. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you enjoyed those obscenities, you’re gonna love the audio version. Check out This Week’s Big Stuff, our weekly roundup podcast that features Sam and Adam cussing about the news. This week we talk about how good it feels to be wearing non-pissy pants these days as Joe Biden’s campaign looks stronger by the day. Join us and help keep this deranged newsletter rockin’ and rollin’. More: Patreon

Note three: Cesar Chavez’s family is going to endorse Joe Biden after RFK Jr. said the late hero would have endorsed him. Yeah, dude. And JFK Jr is still alive. More: CBS

Note four: US consumer sentiment is at its highest level since 2001. Seems like a good thing for a sitting president in an election year. More: Market Watch

Note five: Did y’all see this absolute moron lawmaker in Michigan who sounded the alarm that a planeload of immigrants had come to town when really it was the Gonzaga men’s basketball team arriving for March Madness? Are these sonsofbitches getting dumber? And if so, how the hell is that possible?

Note six: Damnit. RIP to Louis Gossett Jr. What an actor. So many great roles, but our favorite will always be Iron Eagle. More: The Wrap

Note seven: Trump has been attacking a judge’s daughter. If anyone else did this, they’d be in jail. So why isn’t Trump? More: Rolling Stone

Note eight: The families of Israeli hostages told Netanyahu that they are being treated better by the White House than they are by Bibi. That guy is the worst. More: Axios

Note nine: This is an ugly story. A young American soccer player was using her Instagram account to attack the LGBTQ community and even make fun of American soccer hero Megan Rapinoe. Y’all know how much we love Pinoe so you can guess how pissed off we were to see this. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 10: Yowzer. That’s a whole lot of bibles…

Note 11: It’s funny as hell watching Kari Lake pretending to be less crazy. That would be like this newsletter pretending it doesn’t cuss. More: NBC

Note 12: Kentucky Republicans are so worried that Mitch McConnell is gonna die that they passed legislation to cut Democratic Gov. Andy Beshear out of the replacement process altogether. More: Politico

Note 13: The RNC, which fired Ronna Not Romney McDaniel, is so mad that NBC fired Ronna Not Romney McDaniel that they’re talking about cutting NBC’s access at the Republican convention. This would be really funny if we didn’t know that NBC will be desperate to get that access back and probably hire Mike Flynn or some shit. More: Politico

Note 14: We know the stock market ain’t the economy, but damn that motherfucker has been hot under Dark Brandon. More: CNBC

Note 15: The human herpe wants to put us in jail. You first, Steve-o.

Note 16: House Republicans are actually serious about taking their Mayorkas impeachment bullshit to the Senate. Well, serious is probably the wrong word to use there. More: CNN

Note 17: It’s been a year since Putin kidnapped WSJ reporter Evan Gershkovich. Maybe the paper’s owner should talk to his friend Trump about it. More: Politico

Note 18: Well holy shit. A super rich white dude is going to prison. Miracles do happen. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s happy note, we want to note that Women’s History Month is coming to an end. And if we don’t vote this November, then both women and history will be too.

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have a lovely weekend. We also hope you know who Officer Friendly is or else that joke didn’t work at all. Love y’all!

Yikes

So remember last week when you thought that anti-vaxxer anti-abortion asshead RFK Jr’s campaign couldn’t get any crazier? Well you were wrong. Because it did. Yesterday Politico revealed that Nicole Shanhan, Kennedy’s new running mate, has called IVF a lie and suggested that exposure to sunlight is better for fertility. Sounds like someone who would inject bleach and take livestock medication. Or someone who believes RFK Jr. should be president. There is just a whole lot of crazy going on in politics these days.

More: Politico

Fuck this dude

You won’t believe this but it turns out that Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin is not the moderate the beltway press told us he was. In fact, he seems to be just a vindictive asshole. One day after Youngkin got egg on his face after losing the Washington Capitals and Wizards in an arena deal that Democrats ended, Youngkin vetoed bills that would raise the minimum wage and set up the recreational cannabis market in the state. He’s clearly got his feelings hurt and taking it out on the people of Virginia. What an asshole.

More: AP

The boys are back in town

Stephen Colbert joked that Biden, Obama and Clinton were all in New York last night and not one of them was there to be on trial. Yeah, Dark Brandon got the club back together at Radio City Music Hall where they taped an episode of the podcast Smartless and did a massive fundraiser with Colbert as the host. It brought in a whopping $26 million, which is more than twice what Trump raised all last month. In maybe the funniest move we saw all day, the Trump campaign said they’re going to hold a fundraiser next month that will raise $33 million. The only difference is that Team Biden actually raised the money and Team Trump is saying they hope to. LOL. Good luck!

More: USA Today

Today’s clips

One week after rolling out the country’s strongest-ever federal tailpipe standards for the cars most Americans drive, the Biden administration is doing the same with the biggest, most polluting vehicles on the roads: buses, commercial vans and freight trucks. More: CNN

Republicans eked out a narrow win in the 2024 redistricting wars, gaining a single seat before the general election. More: Politico