3.29.23 SCOTUS tries to be a little less BROKUS JOKUS

Be advised: This newsletter uses words like fuck and shit. They seem appropriate when shit is this fucked up.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Today we’d like to do something a little different and talk with you about rare and exotic animals. It’s a hobby of ours along with being sexy and patriotic. Specifically, we’d like to talk to you about the Bullken. Ugly name, right? Well the creature itself is actually quite hideous as well. And dumber than a goddamn log that fell out of a really stupid tree.

It might be the most unusual and useless animal on the planet. Half-chicken and half-bull, the Bullken is not known to be courageous or intelligent. It mostly spends a lot of time with its nose in the asses of other Bullken. It’s known to cower when the wind blows and it is often seen trying to have sex with hay bails. Sometimes it just beats its head against the wall for no discernible reason before pissing all over its own feet. The Bullken is what’s known to zoologists as a “pathetic smelly dumbfuck” animal. It’s a technical term.

So why are we telling you all about this repulsive and utterly pointless creature? So the next time you see Kevin McCarthy, you won’t have to wonder where the chickenshit ends and the bullshit begins.

Yep, motherfucker’s parents were Bullkens. From the same litter actually. Explains a lot, don’t it? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: In case you’re wondering what inspired that…

Note three: Hi, if you live in Wisconsin, please hurry your fine ass out to vote for Judge Janet. Thanks!

Note four: Fox is trying to save Rupert Murdoch from testifying in the Dominion case. The judge doesn’t seem to be buying it. And frankly we’re not either. There’s just something about that evil personified that we don’t trust. More: NBC

Note four: It’s amazing to us there are people who still give a fuck what Josh Hawley has to say. Ever since that time he egged on an attack on the Capitol and then pissed his pants for the whole world to see, we’re just not that interested. More: HuffPost

Note five: More Bullken shit…

Note six: We wanna send some love to our trans friends. We know this has been a shit week on top of a shit year. Keep your head up. You’ve got friends who think you’re awesome. Like weird cussing newsletters. More: NBC

Note seven: As always, the stories about those who died so that Republicans can keep having sex with AR-15s are heartbreaking and infuriating and just all-around devastating. More: CNN

Note eight: Speaking of horribly fucked up shit, a Trump supporter was arrested for pulling a knife on a mom and her kids outside the Manhattan criminal courthouse. So is this just our goddamn country now? More: NY Daily

Note nine: While we’re in Manhattan, um, it’s not like we ever believed Trump when he said he was getting arrested last Tuesday because he’s a fucking liar and we’re not idiots. But are we gonna indict this asshole or what? More: AP

Note 10: Is this dude doing cocaine on the House floor? No, right? Like what kind of degenerate asshole would… nevermind.

Note 11: It’s pretty fucking embarrassing for House Republicans that they’re gonna threaten to drive the global economy off a cliff for spending cuts but they won’t even — or can’t even — pass a fucking budget. And it really should be the end of all media efforts to both-sides this bullshit. It won’t be. But it should. More: KBTX

Note 12: Chris Christie says he will never support Trump again. If you’d like to bet a kajillion dollars that Chris Christie never kisses Trump’s orange ass again, please shoot us an email. We’ll be happy to oblige you. (THIS IS FROM AN AXIOS STORY. AXIOS FIRED A REPORTER FOR CALLING OUT RON DESANTIS’S PROPAGANDA SO WE DON’T LINK TO THEM ANYMORE)

Note 13: We should probably update you on the House investigations. So update — they’re a fucking joke. More: Vox

Note 14: This is a really cool story about two genius teens who made a huge mathematic discovery. We don’t understand one bit of it, but it sure does seem amazing. More: Complex

Note 15: This is either hilarious or creepy. Why do they all look like Blue from Old School?

Note 16: Sen. Tommy Tuberville, the Herschel Walker who got elected, is holding up a shitload of Pentagon promotions until he can force his backwards ass abortion bullshit on the women of the armed services. If you’re asking us why this isn’t a huge fucking scandal, the answer is we don’t know. More: Yahoo

Note 17: The Senate chaplain is done with the bullshit. He didn’t say it like that though. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Thank you to Vice President Harris and the Second Gentleman for continuing to make us proud while representing the US in Africa this week. More: AP

Note 19: Madonna is going to do a show in Nashville to stand up for drag queens. We apologize for forgetting for two seconds how awesome Madonna is. More: Billboard

Note 20: And on that funtastic note, let us take our fine asses on over to the news section. We hope your week is going well. We realize things are all fucked up, but we know you’re staying sexy and patriotic as all hell out there. We love y’all. Be good to yourselves. Don’t step in any Bullken shit.

Forced courage

A federal judge says Mike Pence has to testify about his conversations with Trump about Jan. 6. You might remember Pence as the guy who said a few weeks ago that history will judge Trump for that day. Seems to us that if Mike Pence isn’t completely and totally full of shit, then he would be eager to record the truth. You know. For history.

More: CNN

That should do it

So you know how the Supreme Court is a broken disaster of a joke in a flaming bag of sick dog shit? Well worry no more! They have secretly instituted new ethics guidelines that they’re under zero obligation to observe. So yeah, this doesn’t look like shit to us except a few cruel and crooked assholes giving themselves cover to do more cruel and crooked shit. They suck. Expand the court.

More: Washington Post

Idahorrible

It seems like every single day Republicans find a new and fucked up way to make the fall of Roe even more evil and tragic. Today’s example comes to us from Idaho where some truly sick fucks have gone and invented a new felony — “abortion trafficking.” Yeah, they are moving to restrict interstate travel for abortions. This is the kind of shit that was always coming. They were never going to stop at Roe. That’s why we can’t stop either.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Last November’s election handed Democrats an additional seat in the Senate, a welcome cushion for the party that was supposed to make it easier to confirm President Joe Biden’s executive and judicial nominees.

But in recent weeks, two key Biden nominees have withdrawn their names from consideration for a job in his administration and two more could be in jeopardy. More: HuffPost

As Fox News faces legal peril over its coverage of Donald Trump’s 2020 election lies, one of its most featured Republicans, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, is trying to gut the free speech protections that may ultimately save the network from financial ruin. More: CNN

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