3.27.24 Fingers crossed

It’s Wednesday. There are 222 days until the general election. We might get lucky at SCOTUS, Ronna has a bad day and an earthquake in Alabama.

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Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
March 27, 2024

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s a non-lunatic Kennedy reading the news.

Note: Get ready, Sexy Patriots! Today we’ve brought back one of our most exciting guests ever. Yeah, it’s a phone number we try really hard not to use except in emergencies, but we pulled it out just as soon as we saw this bonkers bullshit…

Yeesh. Even for Orange Satan that’s some pretty fucked up shit. So to comment, please welcome back to the newsletter, all the way from Heaven, put your hands together for God…

TBS: Welcome! We are always so honored that you take the time to join us.

God: Hey you crazy bastards! Loving the newsletter. The pod is so-so.

TBS: Um, thank you, ma’am. We’re working on it. So did you see that Trump is selling bibles?

God: Well I see everything so yes. And you’re right — that is some seriously fucked up shit.

TBS: What did you think of Trump saying he’s like Jesus?

God: Well I thought it was stupid and blasphemous but actual Jesus is furious. He punched his television. Had to get stitches in his hand. Not great with Easter coming up.

TBS: Oh yeah that’s a little awkward. So do you have any words of wisdom for us?

God: Yeah, you should lock that crazy motherfucker up and make sure he doesn’t get within a country mile of the White House. And don’t kill or lie or any of that shit.

TBS: That’s good advice.

God: Well, I am God.

TBS: Fair point. Thanks for joining us. Please stop wars and poverty and stuff and have an awesome day.

Well there you have it, folks. God says Trump sucks. We already knew that, but it’s still nice to hear from the lady upstairs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Sigh. The thing that sucks most about politics right now aside from the racism, sexism and domestic terrorism is having to take silly dumbfucks seriously because they are also dangerous in their dumbfuckery. Anyway, RFK announced a running mate. More: CNN

Note three: Are there any three sweeter words in the English language than “Trump got gagged?” More: NY Daily News

Note four: The mainstream media has pretty much stopped caring about stuff like this but the gag order came not long after Trump attacked the judge — and the judge’s daughter. Always a class act. More: Independent

Note five: Like we said, take the silly dumbfucks seriously…

Note six: Goddamnit. We really wrote “cargo shit” instead of cargo ship yesterday. Despite our normal potty mouths, this was a typo and we regret the error. Sorry.

Note seven: We’d like to invite the Idaho racist scum who harassed the Utah women’s basketball team to go to hell after kissing our asses and fucking off. Seriously, Idaho, what’s your problem? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump and the GOP are hurting for money and building zero campaign infrastructure. Remember when people were worried about the Biden campaign? More: AP

Note nine: Looks like things might be heating up in Arizona. Wouldn’t it be great if all the swing states were in a race to see who can jail the most Trump criminals the fastest? More: ABC

Note 10: As Americans and human beings, we find this horrifying. As people who want Democrats to win elections, LOLOL!!!

Note 11: Don’t hold us to this, but we suspect Kari Lake might be full of shit. Ok hold us to it. More: AZ Central

Note 12: Anybody else think this Matt Schlappy stuff is super fishy and total bullshit? We’re supposed to believe all this was a “misunderstanding?” More: Politico

Note 13: Compare how Joe Biden responds to protestors to how Trump did. Notice that Biden didn’t tear gas these folks or encourage his supporters to rough them up. More: NBC

Note 14: Trump put out a statement yesterday denying that he wants to terminate Obamacare. In that statement, Trump said “Joe Buden disinformates and misinformates.” So if you were wondering if the dumbest dumbass on the planet could still get dumber, well, you have your answer.

Note 15: And Team Dark Brandon was on it…

Note 16: Oh and by the way Trump is fucking lying. He’s been trying to get rid of Obamacare for almost a decade now. More: HuffPost

Note 17: When they say Texas justice, they mean rich white assholes get away with everything no matter how much illegal shit they do. More: AP

Note 18: We’ll talk more about this in a second, but Republicans are pretending to be mad at RNC. It’s important to remember that these are the same losers who get mad about Dr. Seuss and new Star Wars movies that include women. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note. And while this isn’t necessarily happy, we were comforted yesterday to see the government response to the shocking tragedy in Baltimore. We spent a whole lot of yesterday trying to wrap our brains around that video. Truly horrifying shit. Thanks to the people on the ground and on the ship who acted fast and saved untold numbers of lives. Our hearts go out to the families of the six people who are missing and presumed dead. More: WTOP

Note 20: And on that lengthy note, let’s go do some news! Also, do you think we’re going to hell for making God so potty-mouthed? Probably not, right? Oh well. Love y’all!

Fingers crossed

Despite some scary talk from the scary people on the Supreme Court, it looks like America might dodge another dose of fascism courtesy of the highest court in the land. Yesterday SCOTUS heard arguments in the batshit crazy Texas case to ban the abortion pill. According to people who watch the court, it looks like a majority of the justices will rule that the plaintiffs didn’t have standing. But as usual, take a look at what Thomas and Alito were saying to get a glimpse of what the right really wants. And will do if Trump is elected.

Buh-bye

It only took several days and their entire on-air cast calling out their bullshit, but NBC’s executives reversed course on Tuesday and announced that Ronna Not Romney McDaniel will not be joining the network after all. In a memo to staff, NBC News chief Cesar Conde said oopsie and that the network will keep trying to find other Trump trash to take Ronna’s place. But now we know for sure that NBC and MSNBC should be viewed with skepticism. And as usual the only place to come for real news is this fucked up newsletter.

More: Politico

Holy freaking shit!

So Democrats won a special election last night. In Alabama. We’re totally fucking serious and it’s awesome. Democrat Marilyn Lands won a special statehouse election last night by roughly a shitload. Yeah, it turns out that Americans down want preachy dipshits fucking with IVF or basic human rights. Who knew except everybody? This was a Trump +1 district that Doug Jones won by five even though he lost the race to a fucking tree stump. Anyway, y’all think anyone is forgetting about women’s rights anytime soon? Yeah, we don’t either. Thanks, Alabama. Damn that feels weird to say.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Rep. Troy Nehls (R-Texas) is under House Ethics Committee investigation, the panel revealed Tuesday. More: Axios

Facing multiple criminal prosecutions and over a half billion dollars in civil judgments, private citizen Donald Trump would almost certainly be denied even the lowest level security clearance, were he to apply. More: HuffPost

Anti-abortion activists and elected officials have a backup plan should the Supreme Court reject their arguments for nationwide restrictions on the abortion pill mifepristone. In fact, they have several. More: Politico

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