3.26.24 Love to Maryland

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It comes in handy when a corrupt and broken Supreme Court is fucking with women’s human rights.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, apparently the universe decided to start this week with a big ol’ heap of bullshit. It turns out that Donald Trump was right — the justice system is rigged. Unfortunately, it’s rigged for rich criminal fuckheads like Trump…

ARGHHH!!!!! Like we said, a heap of bullshit. Just absolute bullshit. While the appeals court’s nonsense doesn’t change the amount Trump owes for the judgment, it is clearly special treatment for a privileged asshole who has already enjoyed way too much special treatment. So we’re going rogue.

Yeah, we’re just gonna take over Trump Tower the old-fashioned way — by squatting in the lobby. Yeah, call it Squatting for Justice. We’re just gonna take over the building. We’ve got sleeping bags and a thermos full of soup and our phones are like 62 percent charged. We promise to be respectful so that we’re not confused with those dirtbag Jan. 6 losers, but Trump Tower belongs to us now. Trump can have it back for half a billion dollars or if he promises to move the building and himself to Hungary and never come back. We would also be willing to accept a move to Mars, but he isn’t allowed to take any oxygen with him.

Want to squat with us? Let us know and we’ll pack another thermos. Y’all have a blessed day. Unless you’re that appeals court in which case you can kiss our squatting asses. More: NBC

Note two: Biden is headed to North Carolina today to talk Obamacare. You might know it as the law that is saving American lives that Donald Trump wants to repeal. More: HuffPost

Note three: We were gonna save this for the happy note at the end but we just couldn’t wait. Doodie Pooliani says he’s living in a “nightmare world.” LOL. If he wants that world to look better, we know a good landscaping company. More: Page Six

Note four: We’re gonna talk about it in the news section but holy shit the video of that bridge is just horrifying.

Note five: Just a reminder that the SCOTUS shitheads are hearing arguments on the abortion pill today. And here’s another reminder that a totally corrupt judiciary is fucking with women’s basic human rights…

Note six: RFK is announcing his running mate today. It will probably be someone crazier than a shithouse rat who wants Trump to win. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Happy birthday to Martin Short. Just a damn genius.

Note eight: We’ve been staying out of the Maryland Senate primary, but y’all know we love us some Jamie Raskin. More: Politico

Note nine: How dumb does a person have to be to believe that human garbage Elon Musk is actually for free speech? More: NPR

Note 10: LOL whoa. Dark Brandon ain’t fucking around and we are so here for it.

Note 11: The Trumps love immigration. But only when it’s for Melania’s parents. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Rep. Tim Burchett is getting sued for blaming the wrong person for the Kansas City shooting. We sure hope he loses this case like he long ago lost his soul. More: Tennessee Lookout

Note 13: The guy running against Jon Tester in Montana wants to get rid of the Department of Homeland Security. Anybody check on where this fucker was on Jan. 6? More: Axios

Note 14: Thank you to everyone who sent such sweet birthday notes for Paxton and Obamacare yesterday. Y’all are the freaking best.

Note 15: We feel like we should fact-check this. Trump ain’t Jesus. Unless he’s talking about Jesus the Sex Offender from the Big Lebowski.

Note 16: House Oversight Chairman James Comer basically conceded defeat yesterday, sending out a fundraising email saying that instead of impeachment he wants to issue criminal referrals so that Trump can start prosecuting the Bidens as soon as he returns to office. Jamie must’ve missed the note about presidents having total immunity. More: Axios

Note 17: We really really really don’t like Bibi Netanyahu. More: Axios

Note 18: Trump’s friends at the Heritage Foundation want to come for IVF. We should probably stop them. More: Media Matters

Note 19: Today’s closing happy note (we’re going out of our way to not name this note the happy ending) is about the Joe Biden comeback. Please enjoy this insider bullshit story about how Dark Brandon is now leading. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you super Sexy Patriots are having a good week so far. It’s true that things are fucked up out there, so stay in here with us where things are also fucked up but also pretty sexy. Love y’all!

Fire her!

So we need to show our love and respect to Rachel Maddow and the rest of the MSNBC crew for making damn clear that Ronna Not Romney McDaniel ain’t welcome on their shows. Hell, Lawrence O’Donnell was sick and he still went to work last night to tell Ronna and her NBC exec friends to fuck off. If there’s any decency or common sense at that network, she’ll be fired soon and those execs will apologize. But we wouldn’t hold our breath.

More: HuffPost

Love to Maryland

By now you’ve probably seen the video of the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsing after being hit by a cargo shit. It’s one of the most horrifying nightmare videos we’ve ever seen. Both local and federal governments sprung into action. They’re gonna need our support. In addition to the injuries and lives lost last night, this could painfully impact shipping to the area. If you pray, pray for Baltimore.

More: WBAL

April 15

Well it has taken fucking forever, but Donald Trump is finally facing a criminal trial. Yesterday a judge in New York ruled against Trump’s latest delay efforts in his hush money election interference trial and set a date for April 15. It was nice to see after that goddamn appeals court lowered his bond. It was also nice to see how angry this made Trump. See you on Tax Day, shithead.

More: AP

Today’s clips

The Department of Homeland Security’s investigation division hit Sean “Diddy” Combs with multiple raids at several Los Angeles and Miami properties connected to the media mogul. More: HuffPost

The fate of abortion access is back in the hands of the Supreme Court, where justices will hear oral arguments Tuesday on a case that could roll back availability of abortion pills nationwide. More: Politico