3.25.24 Scary SCOTUS

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity like it’s old enough to remember when Meet the Press wasn’t a total goddamn joke.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Today at TBS is what we like to call a Screw that Shit Day. They don’t happen very often, but we’d like to take you behind the scenes and tell you all about it. Basically it starts the day before with a silly idea for one of our fake interviews. In this case, we were gonna have the QAnon Shaman as a guest to talk about how insanely fucked up it is that NBC hired Ronna Not Romney McDaniel and then had her as a guest on Meet the Press where she continued being a disgusting goddamn liar.

Then we figured Screw that Shit. We’re too mad to be funny. Instead we’re going to keep it really simple today — fuck NBC. Fuck MSNBC. Fuck CNBC. We’re not even watching goddamn Friends reruns anymore. Do you have any idea how badly you have fucked up when even this wet lump of chickenshit is calling out the network?!

How the hell are you gonna make Chuck Todd look like a voice of journalistic fucking integrity?! Do you know how hard that is to do?! Anyway, we’ve known this for a while but all media sucks now except for TBS. We didn’t build this to be the only voice of truth on the planet, but goddamnit we will reluctantly accept this burden since everyone else in the media has lost their freaking minds.

So yeah fuck NBC. Piss ‘em off and vote Blue. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re feeling pretty good about our decision to not say anything about Princess Kate last week. Phew. Get well soon, ma’am. Fuck cancer. More: Vox

Note three: Lisa Murkowski is thinking about leaving the Republican Party. She won’t, but it’s a nice thought. More: HuffPost

Note four: Senate Republicans darn near screwed us all on Friday, but we did manage to avoid a government shutdown. Again. More: Politico

Note five: We’re torn. There’s nothing funny about what RFK is doing but this is hilarious…

Note six: On Friday we told y’all that Marjorie Taylor Greene was threatening to file a motion to vacate against MAGA Mike Johnson. And then she did just that. But she didn’t do it in a way that would trigger a vote so she was just needing some media attention. And she got it as America was once again reminded that these are not serious people. More: AP

Note seven: Speaking of MAGA Mike, his majority is down to jack shit these days after Rep. Mike Gallagher shocked everyone on Friday by announcing he’s leaving the House. Yeah, those sick freaks hate each other as much as we hate them. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Anyone else get goosebumps when Fani Willis says “the train is coming?” Yeah us too. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Wow. We’ve been staying out of this primary, but it looks like we’re all Team Andy Kim now. Let’s go! More: Politico

Note 10: Liddle Marco has only just begun to be a pathetic weasel…

Note 11: How are your brackets? Nevermind.We already know.

Note 12: The DC Ag dared to look into super crook Leonard Leo’s corruption. The super crook went to war over it. More: Politico

Note 13: Hey so earlier in this newsletter we said Fuck Cancer. It’s something we deeply believe. March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month so we thought it was the perfect time to beg y’all to get your colonoscopies if you haven’t. Sam lost his mom to this evil, so this ain’t something we mess around with. Get checked out. Make the call today.

Note 14: How fucked up is the Republican Party? Even George Santos wants out. More: CNN

Note 15: LOLOL. Dark Brandon from downtown!

Note 16: What in the hell is James Carville thinking?! Actually check that. This is clearly not something someone who thinks would say. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Make sure you don’t miss Liam Neeson and Glenn Close reading Trump’s indictments. More: People

Note 18: We like to end on a happy note, and today we’re ending with two. And both of them are about Trump losing. This first note is about the tangerine dipshit going to court today with no bond. Is today the day we get to own Trump Tower? More: CNN

Note 19: Yeah, Trump losing money makes us almost as happy as the thought of that twisted fucker losing his freedom.

Note 20: Oh and he’s gotta go to court today because of his porn star hush money case. So your Monday is already better than that fucker’s. More: CNN

Note 21: And on those vengeful notes, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and are already in kick-ass mode for the week ahead. Thanks for joining us at TBS where we promise to never ever ever hire Ronna fucking McDaniel. Love y’all!

Happy 14th!

Obamacare is getting old! Can you believe it’s just two years away from driving? Yeah, the Affordable Care Act that has changed millions of lives and driven the Republican Party further insane just turned 14. President Obama, Speaker Pelosi and President Biden got together to celebrate and to kinda remind everyone that the orange asshead wants to take away this vital healthcare from a whole shitload of Americans. We have a lot of reasons for loving this law, but Adam might have the best reason of all…

Scary SCOTUS

So remember how a broken and corrupt Supreme Court stripped basic human rights from millions of women? Well they might not be done yet. On Tuesday, the court is gonna hear arguments in the case from conservatives who want to ban or restrict mifepristone, also known as the abortion pill. Yes, this is as fucked up as it seems. The assholes who are fine with pregnant women dying want us to believe they are worried about the safety of the abortion pill. Brace yourselves, SPs.

More: Axios

Lazy shits

MAGA Mike Johnson wants again sent the House of Representatives on a two-week vacation without doing jack shit for Ukraine. So while Putin grows more emboldened and more and more Ukrainians die, Johnson is probably heading back to Mar-a-Lago to kiss more orange ass. If there is any good news it’s that the slimy little scumbag is looking like he might bring aid to the floor after the break, but who the hell knows with these creeps?

More: NBC

Today’s clips

House Democrats may save Mike Johnson’s speakership – but he first must outline a pathway to approving aid to Ukraine, multiple Democratic sources told CNN. If Johnson were to announce he would take up the Senate’s $95 billion aid package, Democrats would vote in droves to keep him in the position, sources said. More: CNN

Secretary of State Antony Blinken on Saturday condemned a terrorist attack in Moscow that killed at least 133 people. More: Politico

Vice President Kamala Harris toured on Saturday the bloodstained classroom building where the 2018 Parkland high school massacrehappened, then announced a program to assist states that have laws allowing police to temporarily seize guns from people judges have found to be dangerous. More: AP