3.2.23 Another scary threat in Michigan

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words to talk about bad people. Because there’s some evil motherfuckers out there who need to be called out.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! We have something really exciting for you today. The annual gathering of nazi virgin scum known as CPAC is getting underway today, and you won’t believe this but TBS has been invited to speak. Yeah, shocked the shit out of us too. And since we’re not RINO loser chickenshits like Ron DeSuckus, we said hell yeah. So here are our prepared remarks for CPAC…

What’s up, freaks? How many of you has Matt Schlapp assaulted? Wow. That’s a lot of hands. Don’t ever trust a man whose last name sounds like a jar of mayonnaise farting. So what the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck is wrong with you all? We get that it sucks that your parents were brother and sister. We know it can’t be easy walking around with an ass for a face. And we have to believe spending years and years trying to figure out how to fuck an AR-15 has made you very angry and chafed. But y’all are gonna have to quit being so fucking awful. Like if we changed these banners to say “BIGGEST FUCKING LOSERS IN THE UNIVERSE CONVENTION” how long would it take you to notice? Anyway, we’re gonna get the hell out of here before you infect us with your bullshit. Trump is still speaking at this thing so you’ll have lots of stupid shit to cheer and lots of ass to kiss. Try not to attack the Capitol today, assholes. Peace!

We admit it’s not our best work, but we do hope we’ll get our point across. If you’d like to chat with us after, we’ll be sprinting through the lobby to get the fuck outta there. Love y’all!

Note two: Just in case you thought we were too harsh…

Note three: Yesterday Schumer and Jeffries fired off a letter to Fox News calling them out on their bullshit. And today WaPo’s Greg Sargent talks to other Democrats who are saying it’s time to take these lying creeps on. We couldn’t agree more. So let’s go. More: CNBC

Note four: Looks like Dark Brandon is gonna have to issue his first veto after Manchin and Tester joined Republicans to push the House’s bullshit anti-ESG bill. We won the Senate, and our reward is two years of watching our red state people act like we didn’t. More: CNBC

Note five: Merrick Garland testified before the Senate yesterday. He had to get yelled at by Ted Cruz. Then he went and shook Cruz’s hand. It was not super encouraging for those of us who think he’s a total chickenshit. More: CNN

Note six: DB has some thoughts on Marjorie Taylor Gross…

Note seven: Donna Brazile has a great column in the New York Times today (it happens occasionally) about how Vice President Harris isn’t getting the credit she’s due. Ain’t that the truth. More: NY Times

Note eight: So a whole lot of pundit scum based their anti-trans bullshit on a single story from a desk-worker at a St. Louis clinic. Thanks to local journalism, we know it was a lie. So when do the retractions and apologies start? More: STL Today

Note nine: So the US doesn’t want Elon Musk experimenting with computer chips in human brains. Um we sure as shit don’t either. More: Reuters

Note 10: Anyone wanna watch KJP fuck up Fox? We thought so.

Note 11: It doesn’t seem good that two Air Force commanders were fired after failing a nuclear weapons inspection. The firing part seems ok. The failing part not so much. More: CNN

Note 12: They’re trying to ban polling places on college campuses in Texas and they’re saying it’s for safety. College students are calling bullshit. More: KUT

Note 13: Holy shit the new trailer for Succession just dropped. Y’all gonna watch?

Note 14: Kari Lake is appealing her loss to the Arizona state Supreme Court. Yeah, we totally forgot she existed too. More: 12 News

Note 15: So we don’t know what country Florida is in anymore, but this ain’t American…

Note 16: Those #TwitterFiles losers are going to testify in front of Gym Jordan next week. It’s probably a bad sign for their side that we’re so excited for it. NO LINK

Note 17: So we were gonna post a clip of Kellyanne gaslighting everyone on Fox News, but we figured it would just piss you off and we really like you so why would we do that? More: HuffPost

Note 18: Want to see the greatest thing ever?

Note 19: We should do a drag show that’s just Republicans who have appeared in drag. We would need to rent out the biggest stadium you can find. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news and then kick this Thursday’s ass. We hope y’all are having an awesome week. And we hope you’re staying far the fuck away from CPAC. Have a blessed day.

Scary shit

Michigan AG Dana Nessel revealed this morning that she had been targeted by a “heavily armed” piece of shit who threatened Jewish people in the Michigan state government. What the fuck is happening in Michigan? Well the answer to that is progress. The majority of the people in Michigan want meaningful change and they have elected Democrats to deliver. And some truly sick fucking people just can’t handle that. Thank you to the brave leaders of Michigan for continuing to show us how it’s done in the face of terrifying threats.

More: NBC

A meeting!

For the first time in a very long time the United States talked to Russia. Secretary of State Tony Blinken met with Sergei Lavrov who you might remember as the scumbag Trump gave classified info to while standing in the Oval Office. Blinken and Lavrov met on the sidelines of the G20, and Blinken called for Paul Whelan’s release and for Russia to get the fuck out of Ukraine.

More: BBC

Say you’re sorry, Jamie

New House Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer isn’t that bright. But he’s also a real fucking asshole. Comer is under fire from veterans and the White House after saying on Newsmax the other day that President Biden’s late son, Beau, who was serving in Iraq while Jamie was doing god knows what back in Kentucky, should have been indicted. Comer is showing everyone what a scumbag he is, and even the Capitol Hill press is gonna have a hard time pretending not to see it.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden is “not confident” the Supreme Court will allow his student loan relief plan, he said Wednesday, a day after the court’s conservative majority appeared to support challenges to the aid program. More: HuffPost