3.22.24 Bye, Bob

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like the state of New York just seized one of its golf courses lol.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we made it to the weekend. And we hate to be broken records, but it’s been another week of Joe Biden getting shit done and Donald Trump raving like a goddamn lunatic. So we figured this was a good time to stop and check in on the two campaigns and give you fine SPs a TBS Fucking Campaign Status Update.

First, the challenger. Trump is broke as fuck. Personally, he can’t pay for all that fraud and shit in New York and campaignally (that’s a real word), he’s sucking wind. In fact, the Biden team just started calling him “Broke Don” and that shit is so funny because a. You know it would make Trump throw ketchup and 2. You know it started out as someone calling Trump “Broke Dick.” Whatever polling advantage orangey once had is now gone. He sucks, he’s dangerous, he sucks and people are starting to remember it.

As for Dark Brandon, well, he’s out doing Dark Brandon shit. He kicked oodles of ass at the State of the Union and he’s been an unstoppable campaigning machine ever since. The man has been hitting the swing states so hard it’s making us sleepy. Biden has been making fun of Trump’s debt and even smacked him for the whole inject-bleach thing. Between the travel, the fundraising and the hard-hitting messaging, Biden and his team are doing everything we can ask of them from a politics perspective. That and we really dig the way he’s never attacked the United States Capitol.

The polls are neck-and-neck and also totally fucking worthless. We’ve still got months to go and a rogue’s gallery of shitheads, dictators and dickheads to beat. So let’s all make like Joe and Kamala and just work our hot freaking asses off. Because as Sam and his fellow Kentucky fans will tell you this morning, there’s nothing worse than waking up the day after losing a big contest like some goddamn losers. Goddamnit. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Axios, The Hill

Note two: Wanna have some fun with your ears? No, it’s not some kind of weird new fetish. It’s This Week’s Big Stuff, the cussing weekly podcast we post every Friday. Join us and help support this profane newsletter. We promise no ear stuff. More: Patreon

Note three: And yeah congratulations to Oakland and congratulations to Vice President Harris on accurately predicting their victory over the Kentucky Wildcats. More: ESPN

Note four: LOL. They should probably kiss more orange ass. It’s been going great so far.

Note five: The next time someone tells you America isn’t a racist county please just show them this horrific shit. More: HuffPost

Note six: So we assumed that there isn’t gonna be a government shutdown after congressional leaders reached a deal on spending. But House Republicans are tragic when it comes to not being idiots and they seem eager to torpedo this thing and shut it down. More: CNN

Note seven: Marjorie was even on Bannon’s show this morning saying they might vote to vacate MAGA Mike Johnson if he passes the spending deal. We’re really starting to think she might be the actual devil. More: The Hill

Note eight: How much does NBC suck? Well the Apprentice people just hired Ronna Not Romney McDaniel to be a political contributor. Yeah, it’s pretty fucking gross. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Larry Hogan won’t say how he feels about a national abortion ban. We need to beat him. Let this poll serve as our wake-up call. More: Politico

Note 10: House Republicans have Gym Jordan talking about locker room safety?! Really?!

Note 11: It looks like House Republicans have finally given up on impeaching Joe Biden. What a fucking waste of time. More: Axios

Note 12: A federal judge is warning that Trump might do another Jan. 6. Yeah, no shit. Someone should really tell the press. More: NBC

Note 13: Yay for country star Maren Morris who sounds like a TBSer with her declaration that Marsha Blackburn “fucking sucks.” Indeed she does, Maren. More: Independent

Note 14: Have y’all seen this absolute freakshow running in North Carolina who said Obama and Biden should be executed? Good for CNN for pressing her to explain that crazy shit.

Note 15: Tennessee wants to ban “chemtrails.” Mandatory tinfoil hats are coming, folks. More: Tennessean

Note 16: So Trump was bragging today that he has $500 million in cash. Sounds like good news for New York state where Tish James is about to start seizing mansions and golf courses. More: NBC

Note 17: Orange dingus’s social media company is going public today. You probably shouldn’t buy any of it. More: NBC

Note 18: Trump wants to know if we’re better off now than we were four years ago. The Biden campaign has an answer.

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note but Sam is so pissed off over March Madness that it ain’t happening today. So instead here’s a story about Dark Brandon getting laughs at Trump’s expense. Enjoy! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a great week. We know our campaign update is of little comfort given how close the polling is and how high the stakes are. But it’s much better to be us than them. In about a million different ways. Love y’all!

Bye, Bob

Bob Menendez sucks. He’s totally corrupt and we Democrats do not defend him. So we were thrilled yesterday to hear that Bob won’t be running for re-election as a Democrat. However we were less than thrilled to hear that he might run as an independent if he can beat his corruption charges before the election. What is it about US senators and their refusal to just go the fuck away? How is it possible that Al Franken is the only one who ever did?

More: CNN

Fuck this guy

RFK Jr. is an anti-vaxxer lunatic asshole. He’s also having trouble deciding his position on abortion. This is an old story, but we just wanted to remind everyone that RFK said he supports a national abortion ban before he walked it back. And when Alabama came for IVF, RFK said he hadn’t read the ruling and refused to say how he felt about it. This dude is a cheap con artist, but we have to take him seriously.

More: NBC, Washington Post

LOL Suckers

So a few weeks ago Trump campaign manager Chris LaCivita told reporters that donors to the RNC would not be paying Trump’s legal bills. You won’t be shocked to hear that was a lie. Now we know that a percentage of everything Republican donors give to the RNC is going to help Trump try to stay out of jail. We’ve known for a while that Trump voters were the biggest chumps on the planet, but this is embarrassing.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Russia and China on Friday vetoed a U.S.-sponsored U.N. resolution calling for “an immediate and sustained cease-fire” in the Israel-Hamas war in Gaza to protect civilians and enable humanitarian aid to be delivered to more than 2 million hungry Palestinians. More: HuffPost

Attorney General Merrick Garland dismissed as “absurd” the idea that he should have edited or withheld a special counsel report slamming President Joe Biden’s memory. More: Politico