3.22.23 Let’s talk about Waco

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. But today they feel REALLY fucking good.

Note: Note: Groan. Hey, Sexy Patriots. How are you? We’re good too. And sexy. But um can we get this fucking show on the road already?! How in the hell is it possible we’ve spent the last hundred years waiting for the most obvious fucking criminal on the planet to be arrested? It’s like Christmas Eve if Santa paid off his porn star mistress, stole some classified docs and attacked the Capitol with his elves smearing their elf shit on the walls. And Christmas, the day that jolly sonofabitch gets what’s coming, just won’t get here. Argh!!!!

So while we wait, here’s Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Keep the faith, SPs! Justice cometh and that right fucking soon…

Note two: While we’re waiting to enjoy the misery of some other evil fuckheads, let’s take a moment to howl at this asshole in Florida who sponsored the “Don’t Say Gay” law and uh-oh pleaded guilty to COVID relief fraud. It’s not a party. It’s a fucking crime spree. More: Yahoo

Note three: Now let’s go back to Trump! Special Counsel Jack Smith apparently has the goods that Trump knowingly lied to his own lawyers about the classified docs. Don’t sound good! Maybe this first indictment will be like that perfect pinata swing and from now on it’s just a fucking monsoon of sweet sweet candy. More: ABC

Note four: Van Jones doesn’t want Trump to be indicted in New York. As always, fuck Van Jones. More: The Hill

Note five: Speaking of idiotic hilarity, why don’t we check in on the latest Republican presidential poll. Our favorite is the 1 percent club below Liz Cheney. That’s gotta hurt.

Note six: Hey btw, another big group of Oathkeepers were convicted for being treasonous scum who attacked our Capitol. Isn’t it weird how this is treated by the press like a non-Trump story? More: CNN

Note seven: So this is important but also extremely upsetting. NBC has a report on a new analysis laying out more than 120 countries where women can go to prison for seeking an abortion. Obviously there are quite a few parts of our own country hoping to make the list. We had no idea about Jamaica. Did y’all? More: NBC

Note eight: Wanna read something funny as hell? It’s about Tucker Carlson kissing some serious orange ass to try and undo the damage the Dominion filings have caused. More: Media Matters

Note nine: Ron DeSantis said he doesn't know how to spell sanctimonious. He went to Harvard and Yale. That shit might make political reporters swoon, champ, but the rest of us just think you’re either an idiot or posing as one. And we don’t want either for a president. More: Daily Beast

Note 10: So maybe we’re just being excitable hyper-sensitive shitlibs but um IT’S A BIG FUCKING DEAL TO US WHEN A HEARING DEALING WITH A FORMER PRESIDENT WHO HAS ENCOURAGED AND INCITED VIOLENCE AGAINST THIS COUNTRY IS DELAYED BECAUSE OF A FUCKING BOMB THREAT. Are we being unreasonable?

Note 11: Yesterday Rand Paul said Alvin Bragg should be put in jail. When CNN asked him for what, he couldn’t answer. So yeah, worst fucking libertarian ever. It’s almost like he’s always just been a spoiled rotten racist dickhead. More: The Hill

Note 12: The Oklahoma state Supreme Court is torn on the state’s extremist abortion ban, but they seem to have found the bare minimum of decency and compassion by saying that women have the right to an abortion if it’s a danger to their health. When we put it like that, it’s pretty goddamn insane, cruel and fucked up there are states where that ain’t the case, ain’t it? More: AP

Note 13: Remember Mitch McConnell? Looks like a turtle and helped engineer the downfall of America? Yeah we forgot too. Apparently he’s still alive and still in the Senate and spoke to his colleagues by phone yesterday for the first time in two weeks. Imagine the conspiracy theories from the right if this was Nancy Pelosi. NO LINK

Note 14: Last night on his fucked up nut-tanning show, Tucker Carlson put on his confused but serious face to lecture us about not fantasizing about putting your political opponents in jail. Well, Tucko, we’ve got some bad news for you. We are straight up perverts of fantasizing about Trump going to jail. We are drooling at the fucking mouths to see that sonofabitch in jail. He broke America! Like we had cracks and duct tape and a few places on fire before but he just took a goddamn bat to the whole place. So yeah, soulless spoiled rotten television creature, we are gonna fantasize about Trump going to jail. And we’re getting closer by the day to those fantasies coming true. Unlike that weird one you have with the mermaid and Giuliani and the novelty fake dog shit. Freak. NO LINK

Note 15: The Washington Post has a story today called “‘Trump campaign prepares for ‘new normal’: Running under indictment.” Someone should tell the chickenshit kiss-asses at the Washington Post that there’s not a goddamn thing about any of this that’s normal. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 16: At some point, Republicans are gonna just simplify things with a “Fuck Books” campaign.

Note 17: The Federal Reserve helped almost cause a bank run, is trying to put millions of Americans out of work and is about to raise interest rates again. At least the Biden White House is “closely watching” them. Why? Why are we doing this? More: CNN

Note 18: Trump’s biggest argument these days is that Black prosecutors are racist in reverse. So yeah, he ain’t got any arguments. Remember when the New York Times reporters kept saying they didn’t know if Trump is racist because they can’t know what’s in his heart? Good times. More: Vice

Note 19: WHERE’S THE FUCKING INDICTMENT?!

Note 20: There was craziness in federal court last night as DOJ and Trump’s joke lawyers raced to answer questions for the DC Circuit which put a temporary hold on the ruling that would force one of Trump’s attorneys to testify. But this is the classified docs case, so it shouldn’t impact what’s happening in New York. More: Daily Beast

Note 21: And on that whacky note, let’s go do some news while we wait for some NEWS. We sure do love y’all, and we’re damn grateful to have stood next to you and said in one unified voice “HELL FUCKING NO” to the Trump crime spree. Have a great day!

Medals!

It was so damn cool to see President Biden hand out the National Medal of Arts to so many remarkable people yesterday. Gladys Knight, Bruce Springsteen and Jose Felicano were among those who got awards yesterday. And of course you have to love an appearance from President Selina Meyers…

More: CNN

Orange Koresh

So this is where shit gets scary. We’re damn excited to celebrate Trump’s arrest, but we are a tad concerned about what happens next. Because this deranged motherfucker is doing a rally in Waco, Texas this Saturday on the 30th anniversary of the massacre there. So it sure as fuck seems that Trump is going to brand himself as the new Koresh being unfairly targeted by the feds. Where the fuck does a campaign go if it starts with the candidate comparing himself to David fucking Koresh?

More: USA Today

Yikes

Good government groups are calling for an ethics investigation into Jamie Comer after the New York Times reported yesterday that he’s a fucking disaster. Comer has made clear that he is only investigating Hunter Biden to get himself on Fox. He said as much to the New York Times. He also admitted to being involved in obtaining emails during his gubernatorial campaign in an effort to clear his name from domestic abuse allegations. Since Sam is the reporter who ended up with those emails, there’s only so much we can say about that part of it. But that dude sucks and his investigations are a joke. You’d think this bombshell would be a breaking point between Comer and the beltway media but don’t count on it. We’re beginning to think House Republicans are a bunch of scumbags who don’t know how to govern.

Today’s clips

New surveillance footage from a Virginia state hospital shows at least 10 sheriff’s deputies and hospital workers piling on top of Irvo Otieno, a handcuffed Black man who died of asphyxia soon after. More: HuffPost

US Patriot missile defense systems and Abram tanks are set to be deployed to Ukraine faster than originally planned, US defense officials said on Tuesday. More: CNN