3.21.24 Impeachnot

It’s Thursday. There are 228 days until the general election. Impeachment goes (fart noise) again, Dark Brandon dominates the money race and Trump might do the funniest thing ever.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like this election is gonna age it by about 10,000 fucking years.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it happened again. We once again came up with a brilliant idea. Are you excited? Us too! So basically Trump needs to pay New York roughly a shit ton of money that he apparently ain’t got. At least not on him. So we’re starting to hear and see all kinds of wild notions out there…

LOLOL! So this is where our brilliant idea comes in. We know exactly what to do with Trump Tower.

Give it to us.

What? We’re serious. Dear Letitia James, please let us have Trump Tower. We promise to take really good care of it and we totally won’t rename it Donald Trump Is A Moldy Nutsack Tower. Because that would be wrong and we know that. You can totally trust us. We also promise that we won’t level it and then invite every American to come piss on the ashes. That would be very immature. And lastly, we swear we wouldn’t take pictures of ourselves rubbing our bare asses on Trump’s stuff and then send him those pictures. You have our word.

Ok fine. You got us. We would totally do all that shit. And more. So let us have it anyway. Or at least let us do the butt pic thing. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We screwed something up yesterday. We wanted to tell you about this shit-eating scumbag in Nebraska but we used the wrong link. Here’s a correct one. He is still a shit-eating scumbag. More: Nebraska Examiner

Note three: You know how our Supreme Court is broken and corrupt as all hell and stripped millions of women of their basic human rights? Well Americans don’t trust it anymore for some reason. More: HuffPost

Note four: Thank you to Justice Sotomayor for calling out some of the court’s bullshit. More: HuffPost

Note five: Gosh. It sure is hard to imagine where Trump is gonna get all that money from. Oh right.

Note six: This is a tough but valuable read. Godspeed. More: Politico

Note seven: After looking at the State of the Union and the two candidate’s post-speech travel, maybe the press should take a moment to reflect, change their baked in narratives and stop sucking so much. More: CNN

Note eight: RIP to M. Emmet Walsh. Dude was in some classics. The swim coach in Back to School. Or Harry and the Hendersons. Or Fletch! Fucking Fletch! And, of course, The Jerk. What a run. More: Variety

Note nine: The start of March Madness should be a national holiday. Go Kentucky!

Note 10: Sigh. Suck ass Joe Manchin is doing more suck ass stuff. What a dick.

Note 11: We found some more of that voter fraud Trump was talking about. Except it came from a Republican. Again. More: AP

Note 12: We know it’s not as much as scientists want and we might all be doomed, but Joe Biden’s efforts to combat climate change should not go unnoticed. More: Axios

Note 13: How Russian are House Republicans? Well nine of them wouldn’t even vote to condemn Putin’s kidnapping of Ukrainian children. We’re starting to think those QAnon freaks don’t actually give a shit about kids. More: HuffPost

Note 14: One of our asshole friends signed us up for RFK Jr’s campaign emails and they’re mostly silly notes from Deuce Bigalow or RFK begging for secret service protection. Probably because he’s spending a fortune on private security. And being an asshole. More: Politico

Note 15: Republicans are fine with antisemitism as long as it comes from a Republican.

Note 16: The GOP wants to raise the retirement age for social security. Doesn’t seem like the smartest thing to do in an election year. More: NBC

Note 17: And Trump wants a national abortion ban. More: The Hill

Note 18: It’s enormously disappointing to see Democrats going along with the racist Republican smear campaign against a Joe Biden judicial nominee who happens to be Muslim. Do better. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Today’s happy closing note is about Joe Biden making life better for thousands of Americans. Today Biden announced debt cancellation for 78,000 public service workers to the tune of more than $6 billion. Dark Brandon is changing lives. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that super awesome note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a lovely week. And don’t worry — if we get Trump Tower, y’all are totally invited. Just remember to wipe your feet. On everything. Love y’all!

Note 21: Bonus note — We think Wright Thompson is one of the best writers out there and he has a new piece out on Caitlin Clark. We just had to share it. More: ESPN


Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. Yesterday Jamie Comer and Gym Jordan had another impeachment hearing and it went embarrassingly bad for them. Yeah, their star witnesses were criminals and Trump supporters and former Trump supporter Lev Parnas showed up to spill the beans on the whole crooked Russia-backed scheme. Yeah, Parnas called out Republican members, including Sen. Ron Johnson, for knowing they were pushing Russian lies about Biden, who Parnas said hasn’t done anything wrong. Comer and crew responded that they are going to invite Biden to testify but this shit is a joke so don’t expect that to happen.

More: MSNBC, HuffPost

Go Joe!

So we knew that Joe Biden was outraising Trump, but holy shit this fundraising picture is something else. Biden and the Democrats have more than doubled the cash that Trump has on hand. And according to the Daily Beast, Trump is spending $230,000 a day on legal bills. Ouch. His PAC spent $5.6 million on legal bills last month alone. Let’s keep it going. Because we should probably stop a guy with that many legal bills from being president.

Do it, Don!

So this is funnier than anything we can make up or cuss about. Donald Trump is reportedly considering Liddle Marco Rubio to be his running mate. We almost pissed ourselves laughing when we saw this. Anyone want to see Kamala give Liddle a wedgie? Yeah, we do too. The funny thing is we despise Rubio so much that this is exactly what we would wish on him. Just endless daily abuse from an ass he hates to kiss. Go for it, Trump. We fucking dare you. LOL.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

It’s a pretty good morning for Wall Street — the Dow Jones Industrial Average is closing in on the 40,000 threshold for the first time in its 128-year history. More: CNN

President Joe Biden announced Wednesday one of the biggest federal investments in US chip manufacturing – a $8.5 billion grant to tech giant Intel – as he visited the battleground state of Arizona and struggles to get his key legislative accomplishments to register with voters. More: CNN

Two weeks after his last opponent dropped out of the Republican presidential race, coup-attempting former President Donald Trump is still seeing one in five GOP primary voters cast a ballot against him — potentially spelling trouble for his hopes to win back the White House. More: HuffPost